Saturday, March 21, 2009

"And the riverbank talks of the waters of March -- It's the promise of life, It's the joy in your heart." --Aguas de Marzo

Tonight, I've got me a mild case of the blues. This happens to me without fail about once a month, to be quite frank, but it's excentuated by the fact that tonight, a Friday night, my roomates and I went to the store and then made cookies, which we ate at least half of, took a dozen pointless quizzes on facebook, and then went to bed.

Which was great. I loved it. I love my roomates. But...I've got spring and adventure and a desperate sense of time running out in my veins! I had visions of hiking "R Mountain" and making a bonfire, of dressing up and running around town, of finding some yuppie dance party to crash. So while Broulims and cookies and quizzes was lovely, it did nothing to satiate my spring fever. And while spring fever is bearable and even sort of glorious at 2 in the afternoon, it's absolutely insufferable at 2 in the morning. If I had a car, I'd kidnap some fellow adventuring friend and we'd drive to Denny's and then explore the new Hart Auditorium construction site. Or something. (Or at least I would if he'd ever ask me out or give me his number...)

But to remind me of the light at the end of the tunnel, I have these things:

First of all, Jenny is so much better! She's taking pills that probably weigh somewhere around 7 lbs., but they seem to be working. All symptoms are fading, and all systems are go.

Second of all, it's spring.

The weather has gone from this:














To this!














It was nearly physical torture to go to my one math class today. But I made it. I spent just about every second of it thinking of being outside, but I got the attendance points, and was never called on to answer anything. So it turned out all right.

Then I came home and got to ride this:
Which was great. It's a great bike. Suzuki Boulevard. Probably too big for me to handle on my own, but I don't really have any interest in manuevering one of these myself. I'm more of a scooter kind of a girl. When it comes to REAL bikes, I much prefer riding behind. I just count myself lucky that one of my best friends has a siiiiiiiick motorcycle.

It's very strange that the reason I'm blue tonight is because I feel so spring feverish. I don't know if "the blues" is quite the right phrase...I guess I'm more sort of...disappointed. Disappointed not to be doing all the crazy, silly, spring fever things I feel like doing. (And that I can still do as a 23-year-old. Although, let's be honest, I'll probably do them when I'm 50, but it's harder to get away with them then...) But I'm blue because I'm not acting on my inner happiness? That's seems simply too paradoxical to be accurate. At least it seems that way to my 2 a.m. brain.

Maybe it ain't strictly the blues I've got tonight. It's the greens. The spring fever greens. The edges of which are slightly tinted by the blues that are brought on by feeling limited in my abilities to express the greens.

Hm.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

"Say Doctor? Ain't there nothin' I can take?" - Harry Nilsson




What do
- a sinus infection
- hives
- pink-eye
- bronchitis
- a fever
- a viral infection
- lymph node cysts
- another problem that we'll be discreet about
and
- strep throat
all have in common?

Jenny Mae's body.

Prayers for a speedy recovery. One thing we're pretty sure she DOESN'T have is an immune system. All I can say is thank goodness for modern medicine and worthy Priesthood holders. And for Jenny's sense of humor. We just want to cuddle and comfort her, but hives make that difficult, not to mention the fact that she's pretty contagious. But most of the time she can join us in laughing about how ridiculous the situation is. As a matter of fact, we think she might be turning into some kind of mutant, with awesome super-powers or something. Read all about it here.

Stay tuned for an update on Jenny's health, as well as for the epic tale of Carrie's bachelorette party, which will go down in history as one of the craziest adventures of my college experience!

"When a thing has been said and well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it." --Anatole France


(Love of the printed word) =)

Hello all! I've got a lot swirling around in this brain and soul of mine, so instead of attempting to articulate it all, I've let others speak for me. The second set of quotations were things that I've stumbled upon somehow that have made me think a lot. AAaaaannnddd, just for fun, I've also added a few pretty cool youtube gems. My love to all!

How I'm Feeling/What I'm Thinking Lately:

“Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex:
We cannot fight for love, as men may do;
We should be wooed and were not made to woo.”
- Helena, A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Act II, Scene I)

“Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works.”
- The Book of Mormon, Jacob 4:10

“So baby hold on to me
Whatever will be, will be
the future is our to see
When you hold on to me”
- Eddie Money

Things That I'm Pondering and Questioning Lately:

“The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.”
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open…No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
- Martha Graham

"It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness."
- Leo Tolstoy

What I've Been Watching Lately:

Saw this on a special I watched on Netflix Instant Viewing (greatest thing EVER), and thought it was absolutely fantastic.



Oh, British humor.



"What tempo, Captain?" "Tempo, tempo, tempo? A TANGO!!!"



This one is longer, but if you have the time, it's pretty darn incredible. My friend watched this in her Education Psychology class and shared it with me. A neuroscientist describes the experience of having a stroke while knowing what was going on, and the unique opportunity of studying it from the inside out.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Out of the rut? Maybe...


Still needs some work, but about 7 poems later, I think this was the "de-rutting" one I was waiting for. It needs a week and a re-write or two, but here it is anyway.

Him
Let him have a mind like a maze,
shoulders like basketballs.

And when he walks,
toes start tapping.
Let him come reading

the backs of cereal boxes.
A junkie for the printed word
metaphorically shooting up

receipts, movie tickets,
nutrition labels.
Let him come
packaged like
1947.
Suspenders curving

over basketball shoulders
and spats for tapping-toe-walking.
Three whole pieces of
Easter-Sunday finest,

tie-pin of the Union Jack.

Let him come

with no instruction manual.
Clean-slate

un-shaven.

Loving God,

singing tenor,
hugging Mama.
And when he

reaches a door before

a woman,
let him hold
it open for her.

Taking the weight of it
and then turning to

find her
smiling there.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"There is a curious paradox, which no one can explain..." --The Fantasticks

Just some of what's been feeding my thoughts lately. Agency. Curious concept, that.

The God Who Loves You

by Carl Dennis

It must be troubling for the god who loves you
To ponder how much happier you’d be today
Had you been able to glimpse your many futures.
It must be painful for him to watch you on Friday evenings
Driving home from the office, content with your week—
Three fine houses sold to deserving families—
Knowing as he does exactly what would have happened
Had you gone to your second choice for college,
Knowing the roommate you’d have been allotted
Whose ardent opinions on painting and music
Would have kindled in you a lifelong passion.
A life thirty points above the life you’re living
On any scale of satisfaction. And every point
A thorn in the side of the god who loves you.
You don’t want that, a large-souled man like you
Who tries to withhold from your wife the day’s disappointments
So she can save her empathy for the children.
And would you want this god to compare your wife
With the woman you were destined to meet on the other campus?
It hurts you to think of him ranking the conversation
You’d have enjoyed over there higher in insight
Than the conversation you’re used to.
And think how this loving god would feel
Knowing that the man next in line for your wife
Would have pleased her more than you ever will
Even on your best days, when you really try.
Can you sleep at night believing a god like that
Is pacing his cloudy bedroom, harassed by alternatives
You’re spared by ignorance? The difference between what is
And what could have been will remain alive for him
Even after you cease existing, after you catch a chill
Running out in the snow for the morning paper,
Losing eleven years that the god who loves you
Will feel compelled to imagine scene by scene
Unless you come to the rescue by imagining him
No wiser than you are, no god at all, only a friend
No closer than the actual friend you made at college,
The one you haven’t written in months. Sit down tonight
And write him about the life you can talk about
With a claim to authority, the life you’ve witnessed,
Which for all you know is the life you’ve chosen.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

"That's odd. If I had a mind like yours, in fact if I had any mind at all, I'd be a brazen hussy." --Ellen Shanley, "Wonderman"




It is so much easier for a guy to ask a girl out, then for a girl to sit around and wait to be asked out. Or for a girl to some how communicate that she wants to be asked out. Without putting out.

Guys, I understand it ain't easy. I'm sure it's scary as hell. But at least you have some control over the situation.

I can't figure out how to get myself asked out by one particular person without advertising to everyone or seeming terribly forward.

Honestly. Whatever is a girl to do!? Besides pray that the Lord will put the thought into his head to ask me out?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Allow me a moment of literary despair...

I'm having one of those phases of longing to write poetry, and producing nothing but crap. Well, not crap exactly, compared to the entire world of amateur poetry, but crap compared to what I feel I should be capable of by now.

Maybe I should use more similes.

I don't often despair if I feel a lack of talent--for the most part, that feeling drives me to be better. But my muse is not a switch-on-and-off muse, and sometimes I have the awful suspicion that no matter how much I learn, I will always depend on a muse that I have no control over. Which means I could be hopeless.

In actuality, I'm fairly certain that I'll get out of this rut. I always do. But everything looks bleaker in an afternoon math class.

One day I'll write like James. My greatest fear is that I've already written my "Birches" and don't know it...that I've already written the best thing I ever will.

But I guess I'll never know unless I keep writing, will I?

Friday, February 20, 2009

Filled with Being Full



THINGS I LIKE:

1. The Thorsons coming to surprise us this weekend.
2. Seeing friends all over campus. Like Jenny Mae. And classmates.
3. Organic foods.
4. Spring being in the air.
5. Jeff getting accepted to the Actor's Studio. Without a call-back. With a scene I helped him find and cut and rehearse. One day, he'll be on screen at the kind of events where he'll have to answer the question "Who are you wearing?" And I'll point him out to my children and say "I knew him. I've still got his phone number on speed-dial."
6. My sister.
7. Girl's Camp
8. Working vacuums.
9. The fact that I can do things on the computer besides math during math class. Like work on scenes or talks for sacrament meeting.
10. Talks for sacrament meeting.
11. Water.
12. Cruises.
13. Making lists.
14. Curly hair.
15. The Gospel.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Safety First

Hello all! Stumbled upon this comedic world wide web gem via the appropriately named "stumbleupon.com" and had to share. Someone took actual safety warning signs that seem so ambiguous that they could mean anything, and added their own interpretations. (I wish I could take credit for these brilliant captions, but unfortunately I can't.) Hope it gives you all a hearty chuckle! Enjoy!




Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.









If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.







A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.







Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
- individual dose
- family value size
- neighborhood spray pump size
- supersize!








If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.







To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.








Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.







If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.








People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.










Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.







In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.








If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.








Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.









If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.







After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.









If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.








If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.








If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.








That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.









Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!










If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.








Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.









If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.








Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.








Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.








If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.










If a door is closed, karate chop it open.









Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Certainty in times of Uncertainty


This picture really doesn't have anything to do with this entry, but I really like it and I've been wanting to post it for a while. Anyway...

THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE:

1. This is a long week.
2. I've got to make some big decisions.
3. Little Britain is a good emotional detox.
4. The scriptures are true.
5. I miss the beach.
6. I want a motorcycle ride.
7. My peers scare me sometimes, and other times I'm a snob.
8. I love my roommates.
9. I'm excited for my sister and friends to visit this weekend/next week.
10. I'm sitting at a table in the MC, surrounded by complete strangers.
11. I want to be at the Playmill this summer more than anything else in the world right now.
12. I wish I could make several thousand dollars at a paid internship at a film or television studio in Los Angeles this summer second most in the world right now.
13. I bought underwear a few weeks ago because it advertised a "wedgie-free guarantee!" Which I thought was hilarious and didn't believe. But really, though. It's true. I'm sold.
14. I don't want to go to math class. Just about every time I have to. I never want to go.
15. I kind of want to teach someday. But I want to act on screen even more.
16. I don't know which of the above two things I want to pursue more.
17. I probably won't know which of the above two things to pursue until I have a husband (and possibly a family) who is also affected by that decision.
18. I'm an old maid by BYU-Idaho standards.
19. I got the blues something awful this week/today. Damn hormones. Being a girl sucks.
20. I think the guy sitting across from me is dumb for eating his french fries with a fork.
21. See, I told you I was a snob.
22. Although I often share Annie's weird, illogical, snobby initial attitude of "I don't need any more friends," I'm glad to be making some in my classes. Like my Book of Mormon class.
23. I'm barely going to pass math class. But I'm determined to pass it.
24. There's a kid in one or two of my classes who reminds me of Arthur Dent. Both the literary character and the most recent film adaptation character.
25. I'm probably going to write or something during math class, instead of actually doing math. I always just teach myself, anyway.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Anyone here speak GSL?

WARNING: Probably not a good idea to read late at night, if you're like Liz and get easily freaked out when you're tired.

I just finished watching an hour-long documentary on Koko, that famous, signing, cat-loving gorilla (ps Netflix Instant Viewing has changed my life, and also perpetuated my insomnia). I was fairly familiar with the story already, but I learned a few things more, and now my mind is in such a state of surreal amazement that I'm almost frightened, and decided to write about it in an effort to ease my mind, share my thoughts, etc.

Most of us have heard that thing about gorillas sharing somewhere in the vicinity of 98% of their DNA with humans. However, I've also heard that humans share about 16% of their DNA with LETTUCE. So the whole DNA sharing thing doesn't particularly impress me. And even if only 2% of our DNA is different, that 2% makes for an entirely different (and very distant) species. I've always been facinated by gorillas and chimpanzees (and elephants, but that's unrelated), because of their intelligence and complex social lives, etc. etc. But until they showed me a gorilla that could compose "Hamlet," I would continue to argue that they are not so close to humans as everyone makes them out to be. Now after watching this program, I find that perhaps I have to redefine things.

Some quick doctrinal background: I will always believe and understand man to be God's crowning creation. I believe that all living and natural things are God's creations, but that humans are His actual spirit CHILDREN. That knowledge hasn't changed.

Some quick animal intelligence background: Anyone who has ever had a dog knows that many animals are sentient, emotional beings, capable of understanding, love, and even occasionally reasoning. But the line between man and animal in regards to their abilities of communication, emotional memory, and was always a wide, solid, and black one. THAT knowledge is slightly shattered, or at least dented enough to severely shake me up.

I'd forgotten how astounding it is to see Koko and the other gorillas' knowledge of sign language and their ability to communicate. For example, when the care-takers at the gorilla foundation were looking for a prospective mate for Koko, they literally held "video auditions." They showed Koko a video tape with footage of several "bachelor gorillas" around the country, and asked her what she thought of each. For some she signed things like "nice Koko-love visit" and for others, things like "bad gorilla animal no away." But when it got to the footage of a gorilla named "Endume," she signed "good heart throb Koko-love visit hurry that." I don't know about you, but I don't really see how something like that can be automatic training.

I guess there's that possibility. But it's so ridiculous to me that it seems a conspiracy theory...that the videos of Koko and Michael (another gorilla who was taught sign language at the Foundation) were faked...that they were simply trained for attention. But that really doesn't seem likely.

The most powerful story I learned of was this. Michael, a male gorilla, was brought to the foundation as a baby. He was orphaned as an infant, and he was brought to a shelter by strangers, so nothing was known about his family or how he came to be an orphan. One day, one of the trainers signed to Michael "Your mother?" And Michael signed the following:

"squash meat gorilla mouth tooth cry sharp-noise loud bad think-trouble look-face cut neck girl hole."

The trainers were disturbed to realize the possibility that Michael's mother was killed by poachers, and that he witnessed her death. The trainers know Michael to be introverted and sensitive, and "a man of few words." They said that when he does talk, it's simple, and to the point. That's pretty incredible.

While the gorillas' sign language is far from the complexity of human speech, it should be noted that American Sign Language isn't grammatical either. It's conceptual. The documentary also talked about how Koko especially will occasionally make up signs if she finds the real one too complex, or if they don't know what she's asking about. They cited the examples of "eye-hat" for "mask," "finger-bracelet" for "ring," and "scratch-comb" for "brush."

I simply cannot bring myself to believe that any of that was faked, but I find it even more difficult to wrap my mind around this idea that these animals can be so staggeringly intelligent. It's so surreal to me...I kind of feel like the rug was yanked a little under me. Not completely removed from under me, but adjusted enough to give me this jarring feeling of realizing that perhaps the way I'd thought of something my entire life was false.

I have the horrible feeling that I'm not articulating what's on my mind at ALL, and that this entry is just...me recounting the most astounding things about this documentary I watched, without making any particularly interesting observations about it.

I guess what's on my mind is this. There are certain things I KNOW. The Church is true. God exists. We are His children. Lightbulbs have to be replaced eventually. Buying organic is more expensive. English verbs are gender-neutral. The list goes on. But this interesting, though perhaps trivial, documentary I watched tonight has served as the catalyst of my realization that maybe some of the things I thought I knew are actually completely different. Which of course, makes it tempting to follow the logic of "If I was wrong about THAT, what else am I wrong about?!" I think that's the thing that's jarring me. I feel solid in my religious faith, but...what if other things are totally different? What if...I don't know...what if the tide is caused by something other than the moon? What if volcanoes go all the way to the center of the earth? What if everyone sees colors completely differently, and what I call "blue" you see as what I call "yellow"? I feel so...un-anchored thinking about these kinds of things...

GAH. This kind of thinking at 2 a.m. will just make you slightly paranoid. I'd better read scriptures or something--grab ahold of something solid and sure--and try to get my brain to slow down enough to sleep.

That's actually probably the root of my problem. The fact that it's 2 a.m.