Updated: Audition Diary

Damn Yankees, July 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
CAST.

Marriott commercial, August 2014 (G&G casting)
Called back, not cast.

Les Miserables, October 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Barefoot in the Park, November 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Over the River and Through the Woods, February 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
Called back, not cast.

The Little Mermaid, February 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
Not cast.

USPS Industrial, February 2015 (Jeff Johnson Casting)
Not cast.

Being Charlie, March 2015 (Jeff Johnson Casting)
Not cast.

Into the Woods, April 2015 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Oklahoma!, May 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
CAST.

I get to play Aunt Eller at the Hale Center Theatre. August 12 - October 3. Details and a ridiculous amount of excitement to follow.

Following Up

Between getting called back for an unexpected role (yay!), Cary Elwes winking at me, and my most recent blog entry getting so much attention, May has been a little surreal.

For those interested, I addressed some ideas in the original post by editing one point about personal revelation. I know what I meant, but based on comments, I've realized that I didn't communicate it clearly, and felt it would simply be easiest to go back and edit a little. To make things as clear as possible, I've highlighted my edits to the original post in orange. You may view the original post, with changes, here.

I had this whole huge new post written to discuss the responses this blog has gotten, but instead I'm going to let others do most of the talking. Here are two bits of writing for you:

The Millennial Star: Some Thoughts on Discipleship and "Staying Mormon"
This blog is a response written directly to mine, with some wonderful, beautiful, powerful truths that I totally agree with, and just didn't (don't) articulate well. I am always hesitant to share the deeper parts of my testimony. Some of that is due to feeling like I can never quite say what I mean--like words aren't quite enough to express what I feel. And some of it is just plain fear. I can say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, but I sure find it hard to live by. The Millennial Star somehow managed to capture some of the deeper truths I carry in my own heart and express them better than I could have done. I'm grateful to this writer for being humble, wise, and articulate. It's a blessing that I share their sentiments because they express them better than I can. My strongest belief is that we can do more to grow and find peace by turning to the Lord than we can by doing anything else. If that was unclear in my original post, I am to blame. That is the most important step in carving out your place in the Church.

There is one thought from this blog I'd like to address, though, and that is the power of reaching outward. The Millennial Star blog rightly pointed out the differences between individualism vs. discipleship. But one major part of the "It only matters what you think of you and what God thinks of you" philosophy is this: God wants us to serve others. He wants us to form meaningful relationships. He wants you to find and build communities. So if we are truly evaluating ourselves by what God thinks of us, we will remember that He always loves us, but we will also ask questions like, "How can I serve and lift others?" "Who would the Lord have me help today?" "What can I do today to bring others to Christ?" God also wants us to turn to Him. Allowing this philosophy to guide our lives will naturally lead us to discipleship, simply because we are thinking about God's will. If I had said, "It only matters what YOU think of you and you alone," this would be pretty straight-up individualism. But to me, the idea "It only matters what you think of you AND what God thinks of you" covers both individualism and discipleship. For myself, it has helped me to not get too caught up in the culture, or traditions of men, but has also kept me seeking divine truth.

On Religion or Black and White and Gray
This was a post written by a dear dear friend almost a year ago. In it, she expresses the beauty of a Gospel where we can have a personal relationship with God, who understands our intentions and relationships and circumstances. This, along with the power of the Atonement, allows us to live our lives without worrying about whether or not someone else is living the Gospel correctly. I could easily use this as a defense for myself against those who, at least in the comments section, seem pretty concerned about my eternal welfare. But it goes both ways. Because I am a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck (with a German temper), there are so many times when I am critical of those around me, or are tempted to be. It is one of my greatest weaknesses--being self-righteously irritated. But Carrie's example reminds me that I don't have to worry about how others are living the Gospel. They are on their own journey. I am grateful for the people around me who remind me always to keep my eye on Christ.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and wisdom and testimonies and solidarity. Keep being awesome.



Oh, final thought. This is unrelated to anything spiritual. But if you're wondering why I'm naked, here's an explanation. (Don't worry, it's totally G-rated.)

How to Stay Mormon When You're Tired of Mormons

A couple of years ago, there was a blog entry that made the rounds called "Being a Mormon Misfit." I loved the message of hope and belonging that it provided. I also appreciated this friend's response, reminding readers that many of the Mormons we think of as "mainstream" probably have a lot more going on under the surface than we think.

I think the Mormon Misfit does exist, if it only means someone who just feels like they don't fit in. They could in actuality fit in, but just not feel like they do.

Because God knows I've been one of those people--someone who feels like they don't fit in. Modesty makes me grumpy, I have a second piercing in my right ear, I am pro-gay marriage, and you guys, I have a tattoo designed that I want so so so badly. But I've also felt a confirmation of many of the truths of the Gospel. And sometimes that puts me in a contradictory place.

So over the years, I've found a way to carve out my own space in the Church. It's an ongoing process, but I thought I'd share some of my tools--a practical guide to how to carve out your own space of belonging. Some of these tools may work for you, some of them may not. Spirituality is so so personal. But if you sometimes sit in sacrament meeting and wonder what the hell you're doing there, know that I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, but remembering the following things help me to keep perspective.

6 Things To Remember When You're Tired of Mormons

1. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you--just what you think of you, and what God thinks of you.
This is probably the biggest guiding principle in my life. And it's completely impossible to truly remember and live by all the time. But it's really what everything else in this list comes down to, and when you can remember it, it's empowering. So what if the Relief Society President thinks you're immodest? She's not in charge of your eternal salvation. And even if she or other leaders have a hand in your eternal judgement, God's judgement will override any of that.

2. Personal revelation is more important than anything else. [I think I was unclear in this section, so I've added a few additional clarifications in orange, as of 11:00 pm Monday, May 18th. I apologize if that makes anything in the comments make less sense...I couldn't think of a better way to address these things!]
In our Church, we speak often about the importance of obedience, of faith in the Church, of following the counsel of leaders even when we don't understand it. And there is value in those things...we can grow and learn from doing those things. But there may be times that your own conscience may dictate otherwise. Those are painful moments, and it can be really really difficult to trust that you're doing the right thing in following your own heart. And maybe sometimes it's NOT the right thing [to follow your own heart]. But your responsibility as a human being is to take everything you are told to the Lord. And if your own personal revelation says something contrary to [what leaders of] the Church [may say], trust it. [I'm not talking about things like commandments. Personal revelation will not be contrary to the COMMANDMENTS. I'm talking about things like leader's opinions on the Big Bang, or the best way to be a parent, or what legislation should be passed. I honor and sustain the men and women called to lead this Church, but recognize that it is not meet that we are commanded in all things, and that sometimes something that seems like revelation for the entire Church may not be when you seek confirmation of it.] Others may judge you for [your interpretation of statements by leaders], but those who pass judgment are not in charge of your eternal salvation, so it doesn't matter what they think.

3. You have permission to leave if your pain exceeds your nourishment.
I mean this on a short-term basis, although I think it can apply long-term. But since the point of this post is to help people stay active if they want to, I'm mostly focusing on short-term. It's inevitable that someone will say something in one of your meetings someday that rubs you the wrong way. You may never have a day when you go to Church and 100% agree with everyone around you. Most of the time, you can just shift your focus, listen to the Spirit, dig into your scriptures on your own, find some way to help you stay grounded. But sometimes the sheer effort of doing that distracts from the actual nourishment you could be receiving. So if you need to step out for a few minutes, for the rest of the meeting, or for the rest of the day, give yourself permission to do that. Take your worship into your own hands. It's almost always best to stay. But if you're not getting anything out of Church, put yourself in a situation where you ARE being spiritually nourished.

4. God's children are flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wrecks. 
That includes:
- The elderly man who takes his sacrament talk as an opportunity to share his personal opinions on abortion and gay marriage
- The bishop, Relief Society president, the Elder's Quorum president, and any other leaders
- The lady in Sunday school who says the only sex ed children need is the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife
- The Stake President's wife, who tells everyone from the pulpit that you will feel the Spirit more if you shower every day
- The guy in your ward who says he gets to tell you that your stick-on tattoo is against the Honor Code because "he has the Priesthood and you don't" 
- The Sunday School teacher who dismisses the comments a woman makes about the lesson, and then welcomes the EXACT SAME COMMENT when it's made by a man

(All of these are based on true and personal stories, BTW.) The point is that, like everyone is always saying, "The Gospel is perfect, the people are not." And as difficult as it is to remember, this also goes for the prophets and apostles. Which takes me back to point #2--personal revelation is more important than anything else. If a leader says something you don't feel comfortable with, you have a right to take it to the Lord, figure it out, maybe even reject it. But no one should have to censor themselves to your own standards/beliefs...Even the idiots have a right to be here. They have a right to say whatever they do, and you have a right to dismiss it if you feel you must.
(Also note, you are a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck.)
The other part of this truth is this: In the words of an old friend, "If somebody seems perfect, then either #1, they're Jesus, or #2, they have something to hide. Probably #2 though." This is where Val's point about the Mormon misfit being a myth fits in. Many of the people you see at Church may seem "orthodox" and "perfect," but are likely carrying things the rest of us can only dream of. Don't fail to imagine others complexly.  

5. The purpose of Church is to nourish everyone, including those who are just beginning.
For those who have been members for many years, or for the intellectual types, Church can sometimes just plain get boring. There is so much insanely interesting stuff in the scriptures and in Church history...complicated details that deserve our time and attention. And 99% of the time, that's NOT the stuff we talk about in Sunday School. But that's because everyone is at a different place in their progression and testimony. What if someone is returning to Church after a long hiatus? Or what if someone just got baptized? Or what if they're just investigating? Discussing the connections between LDS temple ceremonies and Masonic ritual is NOT going to bring them closer to Christ--it will probably overwhelm them. I'm not saying that studying those things is bad. In fact, I think it's really really good and really really important. But that's what personal study is for, or discussions with friends and family. This is totally the "Gospel According to Liz," but to me it makes sense to say that while there is overlap, Church is primarily the time for nourishment, and personal study is primarily the time for learning.

6. For most of us, life is better with the Church than without it.
This is the ultimate truth that keeps me in the pews. Because I haven't always had the Church in my life. And there have been times when I've had the Church, but not as fully. And here's what I think. Life can be painful and complicated and overwhelming. And that's true whether you're in the Church or not. So if it's true, you might as well continue to receive nourishment where you can. I know I can use all the help I can get when it comes to life, and the Gospel is the best source of help I've found.


The Rock Wall
Here's my final thought. An institute teacher shared this with me years ago, and it's a FANTASTIC analogy. Your testimony is like a rock wall. (Don't worry about the purpose of the wall--the analogy doesn't stretch that far.) Everyone is constantly building to their walls, stone by stone. And every now and then, you may stumble upon a stone and not see exactly where it fits. It may be labeled "gay marriage" or "visiting teaching" or "hymns are boring" or "why do we have so many freaking meetings and why are they so freaking long." But that doesn't mean you abandon the wall. It means you set the stone aside and keep building with what you DO know. And as you build, you may suddenly see where that stone fits. Some people have likened this process to a jigsaw puzzle, but that implies that everyone's testimony looks the same eventually. I like the stone wall better because everyone's will look completely different, and have different foundations, but all of them are still valid. It can be frustrating to feel sometimes like you're surrounded by stones you don't understand. But hang in there. You'll find their place eventually. And as you do, you'll find your OWN place, too.

Spoiler Alerts, But Not the Bad Kind

Ever read through old journal entries and thought, "Ha! Oh, younger self, if you could only see what would happen years into the future!" Yeah, me too. So here are a few imagined "spoiler alerts" for my own life. Maybe I'll print these out, put them in envelopes, and stick them in my journals, next to pertinent entries. A little perspective for my posterity. 


Dear 23-year-old Liz,
That talented man in that play you watch during the summer will one day become your husband.

Dear 21-year-old Liz,
Jordan and Heather will get married, and even though the journey to that union will have been crazy, their marriage will be the most beautiful thing in the world. They will move in to the same apartment complex as you and your new husband, and during the summers, the four of you will occasionally cross the parking lot for dinner or games. They will name their first daughter Kaitlynn Elisabeth. And parenthood will beautify both of them in ways you could never have imagined.

Dear 20-year-old Liz,
Also, Jesse and Kathleen will get married.

Dear 20-year-old Liz,
The curly-haired saxophone player in your FHE group at BYU-Idaho will cross your path dozens more times than you had anticipated. Nine years from now, you will stand next to him in the auditorium of the elementary school where you both work, and it will strike you as surreal that so much could happen in nine years, and that somehow, your lives still occasionally intersect.

Dear 19-year-old Liz,
That girl in your Acting I class that you are so intimidated by will become one of your dearest friends. You will write her letters during her mission, and more than eleven years later, you will still visit each other, still text, still talk on the phone for hours. She can still make you laugh more than almost any other woman you know, and her testimony will anchor you when you feel unmoored. Her children will delight and astonish you. (Also, you will almost fail your final for that Acting class, because she is your scene partner but instead of rehearsing, you will talk, and when it comes to your final performance, you will both forget your lines.)

Dear 14-year-old Liz,
By the time you are 30, you will have written over 200 poems, over 700 blog entries, one memoir of the time you sold vacuums door-to-door in California, and 2 novels. You will be a chronic journaler. But I think you might already somehow know that. I think you’ll sense, even when you're young, that writing will be a part of your life forever. And you'll be right.

Dear 12-year-old Liz,
Seventeen years after you make a scrapbook about the Princess Bride and write a fan letter to Cary Elwes, you will stand on set with that very man during a film shoot. You will not have a large role—you will play an extra in a party scene for a political candidate, played by the man you kept a signed photo of in your drawer, your first "celebrity crush." You will hold a table steady for him while he desperately writes out the changes to his lines that Rob Reiner gave him a moment ago, and afterwards, he will thank you, shake your hand, and ask your name. Later, between takes, he will ask the crowd why yawns are contagious, and you will explain mirror neurons, which he will think is a joke, but which you will insist is true. Before the final take, he will make eye contact with you as the cameras make final adjustments, and you will wink, and he will wink back. And you’ll smile and be cool even though on the inside, there will undeniably be a small part of you that’ll be all “CARY ELWES JUST F***ING WINKED AT ME!!!!”


photo via

Audition Diary, July 2014 - present

SHOW/PROJECT: Damn Yankees
DATE: July 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” from South Pacific
OUTCOME: Called back, single-cast as Sister!
THOUGHTS: Felt TERRIFIED in the audition, but was confident in my look. Also read/sang for Gloria at call-backs--didn’t feel great about that, but I went for it with confidence. Dance call-backs = CRAZY HARD. Learned that I either have to take dance classes, or make up in character what I lack in technique.

SHOW/PROJECT: Marriott commercial
DATE: August 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: G&G Casting
AUDITION PIECE: Dance combo taught at auditions
OUTCOME: Called back, not booked
THOUGHTS: Fun, and crazy! SOOOO many people! A good chance to put into practice the thing I learned from the Damn Yankees dance aud--if you can’t dance it, personality it! Although the dance was totally do-able and not hard. I did have a conflict, though (rehearsal) with shoot dates.

SHOW/PROJECT: Les Miserables
DATE: October 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Oom Pah Pah” from Oliver
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt overly confident in auditions, but realized later that I was pretty bad...vocally, performance-wise, etc. Was admittedly (and stupidly) jealous when another girl got Madame T, but in retrospect, she works harder and brings it to every audition and every role, on a level that I don’t. I want to catch up with her. Spent way too long having a pity-party until a friend called me out on it. A good lesson to learn.

SHOW/PROJECT: Barefoot in the Park
DATE: November 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from the show (provided), read for Corrie
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt pretty good about auditions, but knew I had a MAJOR conflict by being single-cast in Damn Yankees.

SHOW/PROJECT: Over the River and Through the Woods
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from show (provided), read for Caitlin
OUTCOME: Called back (one of 4 women! for 1 role which would be double-cast!), not booked
THOUGHTS: Felt really good about making strong choices in the initial audition, and felt VERY connected with my scene partner in auditions. Although maybe “too” connected...it’s supposed to be a blind date. Also had to do that stupid line “Did I actually just say that out loud?” It's a line that I find so cliche, so I dodged it with a different choice. Maybe not the one the director envisioned.

SHOW/PROJECT: The Little Mermaid
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: “Feed Me” from Little Shop of Horrors
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Decided on this audition at the last moment, and felt good about it for a few reasons.
Geoff (choreographer) waved at me with a grin when I walked in; also I approached this audition differently and less fearfully. Instead of “What do you want? Do you want me to be blonde? I can be blonde, what about height, I mean I’m a good height, but I can be meaner, do you want to see it again meaner?” I just thought, “I’m just going to do THIS piece really well.” And I feel like I did.
Also, afterwards, I felt aware of the fact that I wasn’t strictly following the music, which is something I should probably do in auditions, so they know I can.

SHOW/PROJECT: USPS In-house industrial
DATE: Feb 5, 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting, audition arranged through McCarty
AUDITION PIECE: no lines, moments from story-board
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Had fun! I still feel amatuer at this, but I’m just glad to be getting out there. Took everyone’s advice, and just was myself. I made the casting director laugh, so that was a boost, even if I don’t get cast.

SHOW/PROJECT: Being Charley - comedy film (dir. Rob Reiner!)
DATE: Wed, March 11
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting (through McCarty)
AUDITION PIECE: Sides (Cindy - hippy equine therapist)
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Not my best work, but not my worst either. They asked for two different options and I thought I gave them a decent contrast. Jeff Johnson himself was there and told me “Nice work,” and the casting guy recognized me and was friendly. I’ve got to work on where to look--NOT the camera! That’s my weakness--I treat the camera like my scene partner. But am I supposed to treat the reader like my scene partner? And look there? I should also practice in the car or something first--my first reading was sort of a “dress rehearsal.”
I asked around among industry folks--I should look at my scene partner. Looking into the camera instantly shows that I’m an amateur. Blerg. Might have messed up that audition a little much, but it’s a good lesson to learn. And I’m getting better at dealing with rejection.

SHOW/PROJECT: Into the Woods
DATE: Monday, April 20
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Wait” from Sweeney Todd
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Man, my voice is out of shape. Singing is like a muscle--and I haven’t really worked it in months. The song wasn’t in the best place for my range...the first half was golden, but I struggled a little bit with the higher second half. I thought about changing the key, but decided to keep it where it was, since the roles I'm most interested in (Baker’s Wife, Witch) are mezzo/soprano roles. I felt really good about my acting, although I fell out of it a little when my voice didn’t sound amazing on the higher stuff. I feel like I’m getting better at auditioning, slowly but surely. Or at least, I’m not getting as crazy-nervous and I used to.


Next audition: May 16th.

Accidental Tiny Fashion Blogger, or "Baby's Got Swag"

Because let's face it. My little sister, Beckah, had mad style as a kid.

She was also, as evidenced above, extremely photogenic.

Acting Inspiration: Melanie Stone

If I were a "real" journalist, I'd be starting this by describing the restaurant that Melanie and I are meeting in, and what brands she's wearing when she breezes into the table I've been saving for us.

But I'm not a real journalist, I'm a blogger. And I conducted this interview over the internet and not in a fancy restaurant. But I'm as excited about this interview as I would be if it were Jennifer Lawrence, or Tina Fey, or Cate Blanchett. I will never get over having talented, successful, brave, and beautiful friends.

This is Melanie Stone. Melanie and I met way back in 2009, when we were in a BYU-Idaho production called "Pioneer Song." (I had seen her before in a production called "Smash," but I was a little distracted at the time by another cast member in the show named Jacob Chapman, so I just thought, 'Man, she's good' and then watched Jacob.)

But then we did "Pioneer Song" and she really was fantastic. Melanie is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out, and her performance in "Pioneer Song" as the youngest daughter of a woman crossing the plains was heartfelt and endearing. We never got to work together as closely as we both wanted to, despite plans we made to film a short about two girls who discover a computer that's alive. (My fingers are still crossed that somehow, the universe will allow us to work together someday.)

Between 2011 and now, Melanie has managed to land some pretty awesome work, most notably the 3-part feature film "Mythica," in which she plays Marek, the magician's apprentice who scrounges up a handful of adventurers to save the day. (You can watch it for free here!)

And you guys. She's so so so good.

Like, I'm not even sure how I have a friend this good. I mean, she's up there on that screen with Kevin Sorbo, and winning "Best Actress" at the 2015 "Filmed in Utah Awards." See, look how awesome:

So, completely unashamed, I sent her a message asking if I could interview her for my blog. Because I want to learn from people I admire. And I figure that while I'm learning, the rest of you could too. I feel so lucky to know people like Melanie. Because going out and DOING this kind of thing takes courage. A lot about this industry is luck, or looks, or who you know. So it takes courage to just get out there and go for it...to be brave enough to put yourself in places where luck can find you, and to go out and create your own art when it doesn't. I love that about Melanie. I love that her career so far has been about just going for it. Even when she was skeptical. Even when she was discouraged. It means that even when I'm skeptical or discouraged, I can still go for it. It's inspiring.

I had originally planned on creating a profile kind of article from this interview, but Melanie just said so many awesome things that I couldn't bring myself to cut any of it. So here's the good old-fashioned transcript. Thank you thank you thank you to Melanie for doing this! I learn so much from you.

How did you become involved in Mythica?
I was auditioning for a smaller role in another one of Arrowstorm’s previous films, “Survivor.” The director of that film (John Lyde) recommended me to the producers of Mythica. I think it was a few days later that I received a call from them asking me to audition. I remember going in to their office and they were using a cell phone to record my audition. That definitely took the edge off, to say the least. Admittedly, my initial thought at that point was, “So this is the kind of project I’m dealing with." I was called back a few days later to read with another actor, and to be honest I was a bit skeptical throughout the entire audition process. I’m glad I was dead wrong on my first impression though; Mythica really surprised me. It’s been the greatest thing I’ve worked on so far.

What was your favorite thing about playing Marek?
This question is hard for me to answer. I’ve been asked it a few times and whenever I get done answering, I think “That’s not quite right.” So let me try and get it right this time.
I think my favorite thing about playing Marek was the fact that this was the first character I had really gotten to know and experiment with. It was the first time I had really grown attached to a role. Halfway through filming I found myself defending her all the time, on and off set.
On top of that I like how conflicted she is. She’s always struggling against this dark side, but she’s also spunky, sensitive, and caring.

What was the most challenging thing about playing Marek?
Making sure I was hitting the emotional beats. We were shooting movies one and two at the same time, and there were days when I would be in a scene from the second film and I’d realize, “Oh crap! That was totally a movie one Marek move!” She changes a lot, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t playing the wrong emotion because of the whole out of sequence thing… like I said it’s a struggle for me!

It seems like it would be kind of surreal to see your face on all these posters, and on the big screen. What is it like for you? How do you feel when you watch your own work?
It doesn't really feel like anything. Ha! I don't know, I think I might be weird or something.
As far as seeing myself on screen, I usually feel uneasy about it. I had a unpleasant first experience watching myself in a theater with an audience; I was suddenly made aware of all these flaws I had and it almost made me stop acting. I thought I was so bad. Obviously I didn't. Now when I see myself I try to enjoy it for what it is, but I'm always playing the critic when it comes to my performance.

When you first started working on movie sets, what were some things that took you by surprise?
Shooting out of sequence. I mean I knew this happened, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be for me. I really struggled with it… I still do, but I’ve come a long way.
Also all the food! There’s so much food to eat! That was a pleasant surprise. I like to sneak crafty [snacks] from set at the end of the day.

How is film different from the stage for you?
Like I mentioned earlier, shooting out of sequence in film really threw me. In Theatre it’s nice as an actor to just follow the flow of the story; it’s not as emotionally jarring.
Sadly I didn’t really figure out how to truly connect as an actor until I started doing film. I would rely on really good mimicking of what I thought I should be feeling as my character. I was doing it all wrong and no one was calling me out on it. To be honest I didn’t even realize what I was doing was wrong, so when I started acting on camera, I kept on doing it. It wasn’t until I had watched a few films I had done that I stopped and thought “Wow…this is really bad. I’m really bad!” Film doesn’t lie; it’s in your face and if you’re not feeling it, it shows. So I finally went out and took some private lessons from an awesome teacher in Provo, Ben Hopkin, and he steered me in the right direction and taught me about the importance of connecting.
I really would like another stab at theatre I think. I can imagine how rewarding it is to allow yourself to be in the moment for the entire show and not have someone yell “cut” or “okay, now say that line three different ways."

What about acting appeals to you?
How much I learn from it. I’m definitely a more empathetic person because of acting. When I was younger is was all about the rush I got from being on stage and being told I was great, but as you get older you have to find a better reason than that...otherwise it’ll drive you crazy. To be honest, it still does sometimes.

What are some of your goals as an actress?
To always be challenging myself, and to always be improving. I think if I can keep to those two things I’ll be fairly happy.

Where would you like to be in one year? Five years? Ten years?
In a year I’d love to be in New Zealand shooting a successful Fantasty or Sci-fi series! I’m a geek so of course that would be ideal. Although, I’d be grateful to still be getting paid for this sort of thing in a year. If I’m ever in a financially secure situation I’d love to go back to school and really study acting, take some time off to really wrap my head around it. As far as ten years from now… I haven’t a clue.

What hobbies and interests do you have outside of acting?
Being in nature. Any chance, I make it a priority to escape into the mountains. It’s oxygen for my soul. Aside from that I’m constantly changing my hobbies. Right now it’s Yoga, last month it was sewing ties.

Who are some of your major influences and inspirations?
I mentioned Ben Hopkin earlier. He really is fantastic. I think I’d still be stuck in my bad habits if it wasn’t for him. I mean I still have so much to learn (and always will) but it’s nice to feel like you’re headed in the right direction. I have him to thank for that.
Also Gary Oldman. I’m trying to figure out how to describe what it is I feel for that man’s performances… just complete awe and respect. He makes me want to spend years and years just learning and honing my craft.

What advice would you give to actors who want to get into film?
Aside from the typical “Take a class! Get out and audition!” I would say this: when you get discouraged (which you will), create your own work; write, produce, direct—whatever other aspect appeals to you—and share it with others, even if it’s bad. I’ve learned so much from dabbling in these other things, and I’ve learned about acting while doing it. This is a tough career, and it helps when other people in the industry see how passionate and proactive you are.

Finally, what are some of the things you've learned during the whole Mythica experience?
This industry is not easy. I recently stumbled across a journal entry from my niave 17 year old self that said something along the lines of “I want to be an actor because you’re getting paid to do nothing.” Yes, I also had to suppress vomit when I read that. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be doing what I’m doing, but I work very hard, and although it’s rewarding I also deal with a lot of disappointment. It is, however, certainly worth it. So I guess I’ve learned that to be a part of this industry, you have to really care about creating; you have to one of those people who doesn’t mind working hard, even if you're not making large amounts of money like the Hollywood A-Listers...because at the end of the day, it's still all worth it. At the end of the day, you're there because you really wanted to tell that story.

The Quotebook, Elementary School Edition

I work at an elementary school, and it's true...kids DO say the darnedest things. Here are a few gems from the last few months.

"We are not a secret society. We are a society with secrets." - 7th grader, overheard in the lunchroom

Principal: Your hair is looking wonderfully frosted, D!
D (2nd grader): Don't talk about my head that way! I am not a cupcake!

2nd grader 1: I'm going to see my best friend that I just met yesterday at the library!
2nd grader 2: By yourself?! Have fun getting kidnapped.

1st grader: What time until lunch?
Me: About 25 minutes.
1st grader: What time until...butt cheeks land? (hysterical laughter)

Kindergarten teacher: Okay, boys and girls! I'm going to have Miss Liz come into our classroom while I go to the bathroom.
Kindergartner: Okay, but did we really need to know that?

1st grader: You're grounded!
Me: Grounded!? For how long?
1st grader: For a really long time. Until you're old! Until you're 17!

"Do you think old ladies are stronger in Minnesota?" - 1st grader

Me: (finishing a phone call)
1st grader: Was that your husband?
Me: No, that was my dad.
1st grader: You have one of those TOO?!

"Is it made of squares? I like it when things are made of squares." - 4th grader

"I love the smell of pizza victory!" - 1st grader

Kindergartner: Why did you wear that shirt today?
Kindergarten teacher: Oh, just because I like it.
Kindergartner: (expressing friendly concern) Well, you kind of look like a zebra.

No offense, Matt Damon

I started keeping an audition diary, to keep track of who I've auditioned for, and when, and how it went. Looking at the list, I feel simultaneously disheartened and inspired. I'm disheartened by how often I haven't been cast, but inspired by my own (possibly hard-headed) determination to keep auditioning. It makes it even more clear to me what an incredibly lucky break "Damn Yankees" was. It sort of spoiled me--I started expecting to be that lucky all the time. But, like almost everyone else in the world, I'm discovering that I've got to WORK for this. 

Lately, every time I don't get cast, I'm sad for a little while, and then I have a "F*** you, Matt Damon" moment. No offense to Matt Damon--it really has almost nothing to do with him at all. It's based on a story someone told me, which the internet has failed to verify, but which is inspiring nonetheless. 

The story goes that Matt Damon was doing a Master class at a university somewhere, speaking with the acting students, doing a Q&A, etc. Someone asked him about breaking into the business, and he started telling them how, realistically, none of them will make it. None of them has what it takes, none of them are good enough, none of them are willing to work hard enough, and they should all find something else to do with their lives. Everyone sat in stunned silence, and then one guy in the back stood up and shouted, "F*** you, Matt Damon!" and walked out of the room. And Matt Damon paused as he watched him walk out, and then said, "That guy will make it." 

So whether or not the story is true, it's a good reminder for me. Not that I should, like, cuss out the people in the casting room. But so often, not getting cast, or not getting called back, feels for all the world like a voice saying to you, "You won't make it. You're not good enough. You aren't working hard enough. You should find something else to do with your life." And to that voice, I say, "F*** you! I'll keep working, I'll keep auditioning, I'll keep practicing, I'll get voice lessons, I'll find an audition coach." I know I can do this. It will take time and frustration and hurt and work, but after my initial few months of shell-shock, now every audition that didn't result in being cast just increases my determination to be better. 

February Slump

Warning: There are a lot of metaphors in this entry. There is also some onomatopoeia.  

I spend most of the winter dreading February. It's the shortest month of the year, but by the time I reach it, it seems like winter has gone on eternally, and spring seems too far away to bear waiting for. In February, I start googling plane ticket prices to Hawai'i, South America, southern California. I'm almost afraid to get in the car some days, for fear I'll just keep driving until I'm somewhere warmer, or where the days are longer. Somewhere where the pavement is still warm under your feet at 10 pm. 

I always feel sluggish in February. Like I'm fighting the urge to hibernate. I understand, intellectually, that I should exercise or something, that going on a walk would probably help me, that my body is a tool to help me accomplish amazing things. But commanding my limbs to do that seems as futile and as pointless as telling molasses to do jumping jacks. I'm the molasses, and the natural state of molasses in February is sitting in front of the space heater, eating an entire cinnamon crumb cake and reading "Harry Potter." 

I called this entry "February Slump" because the word "slump" seems so fitting. It's almost onomatopoeia. "Slump." The sound of a wet comforter falling onto the floor. Who wants a wet comforter? Nobody. Slumps are the worst. 

This February would be tough even if I didn't get the winter blues. I've felt disconnected from myself lately--spiritually, intellectually, artistically. Just in general. And that makes me feel disconnected to everything and everyone else. I'm an actress feeling the "rejection blues." I almost never have access to a car, making any errand or leaving of the house at all a long and expensive ordeal of public transportation. Jacob and I work almost exactly opposite schedules, so the only time I see him is a brief kiss (if he's awake) when I leave in the morning at 7:30. (Seriously. I haven't talked to Jacob in person since Monday.) 

I recently re-read "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl." In one entry, Anne talks about feeling depressed, and how it would sound silly to the grown-ups, but she's really just a young girl in need of some good rollicking fun. I feel sort of like that. I need a rehearsal where we can't stop laughing, or a good session of binge-watching some television show with Jacob, or a road-trip to someplace I've never been before. I need spontaneity, and to ignore my responsibilities and pretend I'm 21 instead of 29 and get out of my house and under some lights or onto some road or just anywhere where people know me deeply and that's not this apartment where I sit and snack instead of eat meals and watch documentary after documentary and then go to bed at 9:30 and then wake up the next day to the same thing. I need to be doing THEATRE because I need to be connecting with other human beings without the small talk and theatre is the best way I know how to connect to people. 

Blergh. 

Looking at my circumstances, I can see that I have all the tools I need to help myself. My life is a good one, with good opportunities and good people. But that's the thing about depression. It doesn't take away the tools. It takes away your own hands...your ability to grasp and use the tools you're surrounded by. 

I'll be all right. I'm always a little afraid when I write things like this that people will worry. But by the end of March, as the days grow even longer and the sun grows warmer, I'll be less like molasses/a wet comforter/someone without hands and more like my truest self. Right now, I'm far from the darkness and helplessness of deep depression. Just a mild case, and I know it will pass. This is just part of who I am, and even though it's rotten, I don't think I would change it. 

So for anyone else out there in the throes of a February Slump, we've only got one more day to go. Spring is three weeks away. 

We can do this. 

Documentaries Part Two

More documentaries! You can find these documentaries on Netflix, Amazon Prime Instant Video, Vimeo, and YouTube. And all of these can also be found on my new documentary website!

Decoding Neanderthals
Definitely a "laundry documentary," but there was some really interesting info here. The more and more we research early humans, the more clear it is that they were more advanced than we thought. It seems that early man was capable of language much earlier than we originally thought, and created and used much more advanced tools.

Nature: The Gathering Swarms
Nature is weird and awesome. This would be another "laundry documentary," except it really does need to be watched to be fully appreciated. This covers everything from swarms of bees to schools of fish to flocks of birds. Together, animals create a unique intelligence that's greater than the sum of their parts. It makes me think of the human brain...how there are all these connections between individual parts that create a whole.

Everything Or Nothing: The Untold Story of 007
This was a cool documentary because it covered EVERYTHING about James Bond, from the books to the movies...an overview of the whole franchise. Here's something cool--it's really been a family affair. The current producer is the daughter of the man who produced the original films. They talked about the different phases James Bond has gone through and how each film was received, and it's place in film history.

Breastmilk
Totally fascinating. This covered the cultural and medical ideas behind breastfeeding and focused on the journeys of several different women in different situations. One of my favorite mythic/poetic ideas they covered is that in some ways, breasts are phallic. They give this life-sustaining liquid. The woman who made this point said it might be more fun to just say that penises are breastly. :)
WARNING: FEMALE NUDITY (BREASTFEEDING)

Frontline: Secret State of North Korea
North Korea is so crazy, but I think things are slowly moving towards change. I think it's going to be in the next few decades that change will come to North Korea. More and more outside influences are moving into the country (movies, music), and more and more people are openly resisting the regime. Government officials are turning a blind eye to free market business more and more often. The little infrastructure that remained in the country is crumbling, and the current leader doesn't hold the same religious fervor over the people that his father or grandfather did. Time will tell.

E-mail Order Bride
Laundry documentary all the way. This focuses on the international marriage broker business, mostly in bringing together men from the U.S. and women from Russia. It focuses on several different stories and covers the challenges and benefits of a brokered marriage. Here's what I think--I think there are a handful of men who do simply struggle to connect with women, and for them, this could be a helpful service. And there are also men who are jerks--who choose Russian women because they "haven't had feminism over there" and those women "just want to stay home and take care of their men." And there are the rare cases in which creeps who are unhappy with their brokered bride get crazy and murder them. But it seems that nowadays, it's a little safer.

To Be Takei
Oh I love this man. I love love love George Takei. That voice. That sense of social justice. That sense of humor. This documentary was charming and enlightening and made me adore the man even more. It covers his early years in a Japanese internment camp, his choice to remain closeted for much of his life, his relationship with his now-husband Brad, his career path, his Facebook presence, and much more. Awesome.
WARNING: LANGUAGE, SOME DISCUSSION OF SEXUALITY

Reel Injun
AWESOME documentary chronicling the history of how Native Americans have been portrayed in film. One of the very first motion pictures EVER was of a tribal dance--there are many people who believed that a main purpose of film was to capture native peoples before they disappeared (ominous). Native Americans have filled a gamut of archetypal roles since then, and it's only the last few decades that film has been truly representative, instead of just stereotypical.
WARNING: SOME NUDITY

Secrets of the Dead: The Lost Diary of Dr Livingstone
Laundry documentary, but with some decent cheesy reenactments. One of the coolest parts of this documentary was how they deciphered Livingstone's old journals. He didn't have access to plain writing paper, so he recorded his notes on the pages of old books, on newspapers, etc, using ink made from berry juice. Which meant that his words are incredibly difficult to read. They did a whole series of experiments to try to read the diaries--what they came up with was pretty darn awesome.

Jesus Camp
I'm not even sure if I'm ready to talk about this. I found it incredibly upsetting. But to discuss it is to tread a fine line...I can't criticize other religious groups if I'm not willing to let my own be criticized. And that's difficult. But the disregard of science among evangelical Christians makes me furious. I sense so much fear and anger among fundamentalist religious groups, and I don't think it's making the world a better place. I recognize that there are sects of Mormonism--break off groups that are the same way. And I don't like them either. And in some cases, well-intentioned orthodox Mormons can create a culture of fear and anger and fundamentalism, and I don't like that either. It distresses me to realize that a whole generation of the world's children are growing up in a world of fear, and disregard for science. And I don't know what to do about it. Shut churches down? Nope. Because I believe in the First Amendment. Ugh.

Bound By Flesh
Interesting documentary about conjoined twins who grew up at a time when Vaudeville and sideshows and circuses made a fortune in "freaks." This focuses a lot on their story, but also covers the history of the entertainment industry in general. There are some strange complications in the world of conjoined twins...things I hadn't thought about until I saw this documentary.

History Channel: Albert Einstein Documentary 
(I'm having trouble finding the actual title of this documentary, but I found it on youtube here.) 
Here's something crazy. Sooooo while Albert Einstein was brilliant at physics, he was not so brilliant at marriage. But here's how things went down. In 1905, Einstein publishes the general theory of relativity, which totally disregards Newton's explanation of gravity. Newton said that objects pull things towards them--and the larger the object, the stronger the pull. Einstein said that gravity was caused by the mass of an object bending the fabric of space, kind of like if you put a bowling ball on a piece of fabric. But it's an almost unprovable theory. There's no way to test it. So Einstein finally gets the idea to prove it by photographing a solar eclipse. If he's right, the stars around a solar eclipse will appear to shift slightly. So it's four months before THE solar eclipse that will either prove him right or wrong. He and his wife are on the rocks. Finally, he tells her that if she divorces him, he will give her all of the Nobel Prize money. She will take their two sons and move back to Zurich, and their support will all depend on that money. Which is a total gamble, because he doesn't know if he's going to win the Nobel Prize. It all came down to whatever the eclipse reveals. But here's the other snag. Einstein is German. The eclipse is only visible from Russia. And it's 1914. (Google World War I history...)

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