It's been so long since I've done a quote book post! Some of these are over a year old now. I love being surrounded by funny people. Enjoy!
"No matter how many times I hear Elder Christofferson talk, it always takes me a split second to remember that he's NOT Alex Trebek." -- Amanda
Liz: I totally stole that joke from an Anne Sexton poem.
Marshall: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I stole my joke from "Veggie Tales."
"Dude, I love you, but you'd be one f***ed up children's book writer." -- Anonymous high school student in an English class I subbed for
Liz: I told my sister that they did the show "Big River" in Orem, and she as like, "Where did you get black people to do that show?"
Brooklyn: They're called Polynesians.
Roughly two full hours after getting home:
"Speaking of food, that reminds me! I have a burger in my backpack!" -- Jacob
Marshall: I tried being sexy once.
Liz: How'd that go?
Marshall: I hurt my hand.
Riley: This is a dark room.
Murphy: Your butt's a dark room! (long pause) I'm sorry. That was really weird.
"It's hard to go poop when my dress is so FLUFFY!" -- Anonymous little girl, overheard in a public restroom
"I wrote a little Christmas poem, once. About a mouse. Named Andrew." -- Anonymous
"I went to jail once for peeing in an alley. It was my birthday!" -- Overheard on SLC bus
"It's a little cheese-filled egg swaddle!" -- Jacob, commenting on my omelette
Jacob: How's The Mystique?
Brandt: Well, as its name suggests--
Kieffer: It's a brothel.
"It's just nice seeing British men saying things to each other." -- Jacob, on the film "The Imitation Game"
"This is a good-looking dog. If he was a human, he could be in a liquor commercial." -- Anonymous
"Quick! Push your scratchers into my back!!!" -- Jacob's desperate request for a back-scratch
Adam: Which Wednesday?
Riley: The September Wednesday!
"Why was he fired? Was it the combat boots?" -- Ashley
Liz: All of my worst injuries are from theatre.
Riley: All of my worst injuries are from shaving my legs.
"It's a bitch, but, you know...nature." -- Marshall
"I wasn't really tired, so I was hoping that if I read for a while, it would sleep me down a little bit." -- Jacob
"Shut up! Shut up and look at these tiny leggings!" -- Beckah
"I tried to make a Pope hat but I accidentally made a penis." -- Ben A
"I shouldn't have done that. But it's milk under the water bridge." -- Jacob
"My boobs are lighthouses. They're like beacons of hope." -- Ashley
"I figure learning to golf is preparation. Like...I'm gonna be old someday." -- Carson
Me: What are you gonna be for Halloween?
10-year-old: I don't know yet. Maybe a guy riding a turkey?
Liz: Your boyfriends? Plural?
Isha: Yes. The Church has selectively called me to beta test polygamy.
Bryan: Hitler's kids could be anybody, if they changed their name.
Liz: It could be like Shia LeBeouf or something.
Ben P: I had such high hopes for him.
Bryan: Who? Hitler?
Ben P: No. Shia LeBeouf.
"Yes! I got this! I was the primary chorister, bitches!" -- Ben A
Bryan: I respect you, Eric.
Eric: Thank you, Bryan. You're the only one I don't care about.
Jacob: Lemme just spitball this idea with you.
Jacob: Brain freeze...brain stem...
Jacob: Yeah, brainstorm.
Eric: Make that moment come after the [makes crazy noise].
Liz: Um. How do you spell that?
Bryan: H. h. h. h. h. h...h.
"Carpet just...makes me sad." -- Jacob
"Wait, that's your car, right? Good. I didn't want to hump someone else's car." -- Kieffer
Liz: Whoa. You made that joke so fast.
Jacob: I'm the impala of comedy.
"I've asked Brother ____ to share his experience, and I've given him permission to use one swear word." -- Bishop
"I like falling, but I don't like landing." -- Bryan
Andy: So I see this trash can lid flying through the air--
Liz: Wait. Why was it flying through the air?
Andy: Because I threw it.
"This album sounds like a late night with some whiskey and some light hallucinogens." -- Dave
Liz: Look at the moon right now!
Bryan: It's super spooky! It's all orange and stuff, like a bowlful of bloody cheese.