Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Quotation marks make all the difference

Hullo friends!

Well, my sleep schedule is back to normal, I'm happy to report. (Which for me means going to bed sometime around 1am...)

When I got home tonight, I was full of grumpiness at my Spanish class because half of the class doesn't understand the difference between when to use the preterite and when to use the imperfect. This only made me grumpy because I already understood the concept, and I wanted to move on. I'm an academic snob. Sorry.

Anyways, in an effort to cure myself of my grumpiness, I ate a leftover waffle and read the quote-books. And I found some gems that I don't think have been shared yet. So here they are! There are LOTS, so have fun. =)

Should you be grumpy, I hope these make you smile. And if you're smiling, I hope they make you laugh. Enjoy!


"I could never live in a place where the buildings are PINK." --Annie

"I'm so tired that everything that comes out of my mouth sounds Bohemian." --Jordan

Kathleen: Ooh, this seat is nice and warm. Thank you.
Stephen: Uh...you're welcome. I'm glad my bottom could serve some purpose.
Jesse: For the first time in your LIFE!
Stephen: I...don't even know what to say to that.

"I'm not a mechanical guy. I like canoes." --Omar

"Aw, Annie. We're like twin babies cuddled up in the womb! You know, if we were twins in the womb, you'd probably be the one stealing all the oxygen and nutrients and stuff." --Me

"Keep your nudity inside your tent!" --Chris K

"He is such an awesome guy. He's ALWAYS learning. Every time I see him, he's got a new book under his arm. He'll probably NEVER get married, but he'll be BRILLIANT." --Jordan

"I'm chubby and I drive a mini-van! I just can't pull off that menace to society thing!" --Jillian

(narration while watching the movie "National Treasure 2")
Nathan: Oooh, an altar.
Me: Anyone here a virgin?
Nathan: No? Well, we're screwed.
Me: Literally.

"I LOVE this dress! The texture is like the inside of a coffin!" --Nellie

"Um, pretty sure there's a big difference between a 747 and an albatross." --Beckah

"I miss you so much that it is causing pain to my lower abdominal area...could just be the kidney stones, but the romantic in me wants to believe it's you." --Carrie

(on the casting of the lead role in the musical "Sacagewea")
"I think she's Asian. I don't think there's a bit of Indian in her. Maybe she's Vietnamese." --Anonymous audience member (overheard during intermission)

Nathan: So...if you're going to Kerblapistan or whatever on Monday...
Me: Uh, you mean "Honduras"?
Nathan: Yeah, Honduras.

Mary: No, let's take individual bags of chips, because the whole big bag crushes too easily.
Dad: My heart crushes easily, but that doesn't stop you from taking it for a ride.
(Me: What are you, fifteen?)

"Yeah, but I was the shiniest piece of tail on that stage, and you wanted me. And it showed." --Jesse (to his wife, on playing opposite each other in "Oklahoma!")

"There's nothing more celebratory than gunfire." --Mom

"That's the reason little kids are afraid of clowns. That and they come to your school to teach you sex ed in 2nd grade...that's pretty scary..." --Isha

"I just realized I easily have man-crushes on video game characters that have unrealistic but amazingly cool hair." --Ivor

Jeff O: No, my sister would get mad at me because I would chew off her Barbies' feet.
Barbara: What?!
Jeff O: Well, their feet were really soft! And they came off really easily.
Barbara: So she just had a lot of Barbie amputees?
Jeff O: Well, she had a nurse Barbie...
Barbara: Until you chewed off HER feet...
Jeff O: No, I didn't chew off her feet. 'Cause she was black, so...
Barbara: So you didn't feel right...?
Jeff O: Well, no, her skin was just rougher...it wasn't as easy.

Nathan: Well, if it's already been de-virgin-ized, no worries.
Me: No pun intended?
Nathan: I'm a guy.

"I've been unemployed for so long that I'm considering grad school." --Allison

Jonna: I look like crap.
Jonna's daughter: Do you want some earrings?

"I totally know what you mean! I was watching a commercial for Catholic Vote 2008 and I totally almost cried! And I'm not even Catholic..." --Becca L

"There are two things that always put me to sleep: the scriptures and sudoku. And I wasn't feeling particularly righteous last night, so I turned to the Japanese." --Jeff O

Me: Are those newspaper guns in your belt?
Morgan: Aluminum foil guns!
Me: Even better.
Morgan: I used them to get a free burrito earlier tonight.

"We ain't gonna buy no Eminem book! We here for an Eminem book, we gotta LEAVE. Right now. Fine, do what y'all want, I'm going to the religion section. 'Scuse me, ma'am, where's your religion section?" --Anonymous customer at Barnes & Noble

"Man, I wish my friends were parents. I'd be buying HELLA kids llamas!" --Alex

"Well, what do you know? You show the Jew a creche, he thinks he's a comedian!" --Aunt Carla

"I wasn't expecting the second wave. Bastard ocean." --Jeff O

Me: Would you like to sign up for a Barnes & Noble membership today?
Elderly Gentleman Customer: Oh no, I'm not signing up for ANYTHING. The last time I signed up for something, they sent me off to WAR.

"You know Jenny. She's a shrimp-y, stick-y...shrimp." --Annie

"See, this is what I remember from my childhood. This is so graphic! See, look at this. She's ironing him. I don't know why." --Mom (on German children's books)

"That's the last time I ever grow a moustache. I looked like a disgruntled postal worker with a moustache." --Bro. Bennion

Nellie: She was one of those friends that you have a love-hate relationship with because you're in 6th grade, you know?
Annie: No, I don't know.
Nellie: Yeah, well, you wore shirts with animals on them.

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." --Annie's grammar quiz

"If I were a baby, I would have crawled right back into my mom and hooked up the umbilical cord ASAP. I think that must have been my original plan, and then the doctor spanked me and I got side-tracked." --Jacqueline

"I don't pretend to understand the female body. I only know how to please it." --Jordan

Me: No, things sell out in America.
Annie: That's true. Wii's sure did.
Nellie: "Wii's"?
Annie: Yeah. The game.
Nellie: Oh. I thought you meant either the food, or Weezer.
Annie: Ha ha ha! ...Wait, what's the food?
Nellie: There isn't one. I thought maybe there was one that I just didn't know about.

"You're cool and kind of stupid." --Beckah


Shadi: What is name?
Theresa: What name?
Shadi: Customer name! What you think?
Theresa: Phelly.
Shadi: Phelly? I do not like this name.

"Yeah, Chris' fiancee is way rich. She's a nice lady, though. She gave me some cheese once." --JP

"That demo was like trying to sell a car to a monkey. We both know we don't need each other." --Vasiliy

CJ: Hey Helen, are there black people in Hong Kong?
Helen: Yes. They guard the banks.

"CJ, I swear. You are the man. The man with the plan. With the...underwear." --Shadi

"She's either hella fine, or one of those fat girls with a sexy voice." --JP

Shadi: Today we suck. Now I have to go home and scream. Because now I am angry.
JP: Who you gonna scream at?
Shadi: I don't know. Probably Verizon Wireless.

"Pablo Escobar. He was a CRAZY guy. He was better than Al Capone." --John

"Shadi's house is so fun. He's got carpet in his garage." --CJ

"People who don't buy Kirby from me--they don't believe in God. I am from the Holy Land, so everybody should respect me. I am sent by God from the Holy Land. God sent me to protect the world from dust and dirt." --Shadi (home country: Israel)

John: Can you guess which one of his parents is white?
JP: His dad! You can tell by the way he dresses.

(narration of a poker game being played on a cell phone)
"I raise...somebody all in...I call because I have too much chippies...I lost. I go all in...because I have nothing. And he go all in--what the heck he have? Oh s**t. No more chippies. Ace, jack. I go all in...here we go...I have the straight. Everybody lose to Shadi. King, four...I go all in...you know the game? You just go all in, every hand." --Shadi

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