Saturday, October 25, 2008

"Not mein kampf im afraid my friend, not mine. h.f. loves all of his children, even the homo-sexuals and lezbos and in bet weeners." -Jacqueline

Okay, so I've been thinking about/writing this blog entry for about a month now. And I figured that since election is in about oh, a week, I'd better post it.

So Prop 8. So civil rights. The pursuit of happiness vs. freedom of religion. Freedom of speech vs. freedom of religion. So the separation of church and state.

So the Church asking us to give of our time and our means to make sure Prop 8 passes.

So Liz's very close gay friends/family and THEIR rights and feelings.

It's been quite a journey to reconcile my initial feelings towards Prop 8 with what the Church and the prophet has been asking us to do. I know a lot of LDS friends have been blogging (part of what they've asked us to do anyway...use the internet and our knowledge of technology to advocate Prop 8), but this here entry will also include some thoughts of my personal journey of reconciliation, and obedience. Because when we were first asked to support Prop 8, boy, was I up in arms. I still think the wording of Prop 8 in the law itself is good and clear, but think that the way it's written in the ballot is pretty biased. But that's beside the point.

***Important note: For any of you who are gay, bi, lesbian, transsexual, straight, unsure...please don't be offended at my words. If something that I say here is hurtful to you, I am sorry. Nothing here was written in hate. I believe that everyone on earth is a child of God, loved dearly by their Creator, and it is my responsibility to love and respect them as such as well. I urge you to keep reading, throughout this entry. It's a little long, and may be a little...straight-forward. But before you make any judgments, I ask that you at least give some thought to what I'm saying, because I promise these conclusions were made after many many many hours of study and prayer. They were not easy conclusions to come by, and I am not writing them lightly, so I ask that you please not treat them lightly. I would welcome your thoughts and comments.***

First, a little background:

Proposition 8 is a proposal on the ballot to amend the California state constitution to read "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in the state of California."

Brief legislative history---
1977 - First legislation regarding marriage is put into California law, defining marriage as "a personal relation arising out of a civil contract between a man and a woman."
1999 - "Domestic partnerships" (also known as civil unions) are given many of the same eligibility and civil rights as marriage, including those regarding hospital and jail visitation, insurance, wills, sharing of property, tax benefits. Domestic partnerships can be applied for by same-sex couples, or by straight couples in which one partner is over the age of 62.
2000 - Proposition 22 is passed by 61% of California voters. It was the exact same wording as Proposition 8 currently, but it applied to the California "Family Code."
2004 - San Francisco county clerk begins issuing same-sex marriage certificates. This action is immediately challenged by supporters of traditional marriage, and the conflict begins its journey to the California Supreme Court
May 15, 2008 - Four Supreme Court judges rule that Prop 22 is discriminatory and overturn it.
(1) Gay men and Lesbians are commonly subject to biased treatment that has no basis upon their ability to be a contributing member of society. Therefore, sexual orientation, like race, religion, or gender, is a suspect class for purposes of the Equal Protection Clause of the California Constitution. This suspect classification requires that the highest level of scrutiny be applied to laws potentially infringing upon the rights of these persons.
(2) Under the above standard the statutory denial of marriage licenses to same-sex couples is unconstitutional.
Majority ruling by: Ronald M. George (Chief Justice), Joyce L. Kennard, Kathryn M. Werdegar, Carlos R. Moreno
Dissent: Marvin R. Baxter, Ming W. Chin, Carol A Corrigan
June 2008 - The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints sent out a letter to all Church leaders in California to be read in congregations throughout the state, asking members to give of their time and means to pass Proposition 8.

Well, I was UP IN ARMS right away. My rebellious soul kicked violently against such political sentiments being read out in sacrament meeting. My initial thoughts/reactions were somewhere along the lines of "Hell, no!" But more specifically, they were something like this:
• Hey hey hey hey! What happened to the Church's stance on not telling us how to vote!? What happened to the Constitutional separation of Church and state? Isn't it supposed to go both ways?
• What about anti-discrimination laws? What about equal rights? As Christians, shouldn't we be advocating equality and fair treatment?
• What does the Church care about what the rest of the world does regarding marriage, anyway? We've got our own beliefs...we get married in the temple, we get married for eternity. How does what the fallen world do regarding marriage affect or endanger our beliefs?
• I keep hearing the argument that legalizing same-sex marriage will lead to people trying to legalize polygamy or marriage between man and animal. I don't see the logic in that. How will legalizing one lead to legalizing another?
• But my most predominant thought was this: I have several very very close friends who are gay or lesbian. Many of whom were raised in the Church, some of whom are still active, faithful members. What about their feelings? Can I do what the prophet says and sign this ballot, making same-sex marriage illegal, and look them in the eyes? What will I say to them?

As you can see, I was feeling pretty strongly. But not willing to risk my eternal salvation on this issue, and knowing that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, I decided to take Hugh B. Brown's advice to "exercise your God-given right to think through on every proposition that is submitted to you and be unafraid to express your opinions, with proper respect for those to whom you talk, and proper acknowledgment of your shortcomings." So, I set out to do me some learning. It should be noted for the purpose of this story that I searched with intent to find out, not intent to prove. I have a testimony of the prophet, and of God's plan for his children. I just couldn't figure out how this Prop 8 thing fit in with both that and what we are taught (and what I've learned personally) about Christ-like love and tolerance.

Throughout many hours of study and prayer, here are some of the things that I found out/realized:
• After further research, I found out that the Church's stance is more specifically not to advocate any particular political party or candidate. There have been several times in this dispensation when the Church has organized its members to be active in political causes involving moral issues of great importance, and makes sure that it does so by following all protocol involved in maintaining separation of Church and state. While I'm still a little uncomfortable with the idea of political items being matters of business in sacrament meeting, I understand the level of importance this particular issue is for the brethren, and also trust their judgment regarding our worship meetings.
• Anti-discrimination laws are about tolerance. But I've done a lot of thinking about what Elder Bednar has called the "tyranny of tolerance." If Prop 8 doesn't pass, religious leaders lose a lot of rights. Adoption agencies and Churches (and possibly even our temple?) could be sued for denying same-sex couples children or weddings. And that's not fair either! It should also be noted that through domestic partnerships, same-sex couples can enjoy the same rights they would have through a legal marriage. This "tyranny of tolerance" idea has been brought up in other contexts as well, and I really like the idea. To avoid the "tyranny of tolerance," you've got to take on the thought process that says this: You will be safe from my judgments regarding your choices and lifestyle. But that also means that I ask to be safe from your judgment regarding MY choices and lifestyle. I may reject your choices, thoughts, or actions, but I do so without hate or malice, and if you should choose to reject my choices, thoughts, or actions, please do so without hate or malice as well.
• So funny it should take me so long to realize this, but you know that one document from the brethren on the family? You know, the one entitled "A Proclamation to the World"? It has just recently occurred to me that said document is not a proclamation to the world about what we's a proclamation to the world about what is true. "Marriage is ordained of God" no matter who's performing the ceremony. And since right here and now, homosexuality doesn't fit into God's plan for His children while on earth, making same-sex marriage legal throws a big wrench into...well, God's plan for His children. Examples: Suppose a couple of missionaries find a same-sex couple who want to learn the Gospel. The conversion process in this case is going to be pretty intense, anyway, but think how much more complicated and painful it would be if divorce proceedings had to be a part of that process? Granted, there are probably very few same-sex couples who would be terribly interested in the Gospel, anyway. But even if there were two souls out there who would be, wouldn't it be worth it to bring them to Christ? The Proclamation on the family also states that "children are be reared by a mother and a father." I am 100% sure that there are millions of gay guys and lesbian women who would be incredible parents. But even just from a medical/psychological/social point of view, there are so many more advantages to raising a child in an atmosphere where they are exposed to a man and a woman. Men and women are inherently different, have different influences. These differences, and the balance between them, are essential to becoming a well-rounded, emotionally balanced individual, regardless of gender, gender identity, or sexual orientation. It's not the only factor, but it sure is important.
• I guess people are right about same-sex marriage leading to the blurring of other laws regarding marriage. I guess, since I've never met any polygamists or people in love with their pets, I couldn't imagine them being in the same category as my gay and lesbian friends. In my mind, polygamists etc. were "the freaks." Yeah, just paint a big "H" on my forehead and call me hypocritical. Because I'd deserve it. For those closed-minded sentiments, I am sorry. That's the same closed-minded judgments a lot of others with varying sexual orientations get all the time. Whether or not I'm an advocate for alternate sexuality has very little to do with my advocation for anti-hate. I still don't understand it, but I have attempted since to retract my judgmental stance. From a legal standpoint, the possibility does carry a lot of weight.
• I have realized through this experience that so many times, I try to "obey God without offending the devil." Yeah, that's a little straight-forward. My statement implies some insult, which I don't like, but I can't think of a more diplomatic way of putting it. Well, let's put it this way: I really hate "choosing sides." Perhaps when it comes to moral issues, I'm diplomatic to a fault. I don't like making blanket statements regarding any issue. There's a part of me that believes there are exceptions to every rule, possible justifications for every crime, a square peg for every round hole. I feel like this ability/weakness makes me both wishy-washy and very strong. Woot for the yin vs. yang. This world-view of mine can be pretty valuable, and I don't know that it would be wise to try to pick one side or the other on any issue. But I'm learning that in some things, I don't have any choice. On Prop 8, I've got to take a stand--a strong stand--either for or against. And when it comes down to it, after its all over, when my children ask me what I did for Prop 8, when November 5th has come, when I stand before the Lord and he asks me which side I chose, I want to know and be able to say that I fought a good fight. And I know that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. I know that the Lord's wisdom and political knowledged and foresight far exceeds my own. I know that obedience brings blessings, that faith brings knowledge. So when it all comes down to it, I want to be able to say that I was a part of the ranks fighting on the Lord's side. Even if at first I resisted. Even if its hard. Even if I'm still confused about some things. I've learned that obedience can happen at the same time as learning why you're obeying. (Check out Alma 32:27-43 and John 7:17 for more on this last concept.)

So when it comes to Proposition 8, I've discovered that there can be no middle ground...not any that I would feel comfortable standing on, at least. And so it follows that I've got two choices:
• Fight for a yes on Prop 8, and have trouble looking my gay/lesbian friends/family in the eyes.
• Fight for a no on Prop 8, and have trouble looking my LDS friends, my bishop and my Lord in the eyes.
Ultimately, I'm choosing the former. To all of my dear family and friends whose eyes I may struggle to look into, please know that my love for you is not in any way diminished. I do not believe that "God hates homosexuals" and I hate phrases like "the gay agenda" and I find bumper stickers like "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" closed-minded and offensive. I'm just trying to be obedient, and the above reasons are why. Even though I don't understand every detail of the issue, I've come to feel strongly that this is something I need to do.

In the last several weeks, the Presidency and General Authorities of the Church have asked the young single adults and the young married couples in California to play a particularly strong role in this political battle. It has been made clear that helping Prop 8 pass in California is the especial stewardship of the young single adults and young married couples. Another reason to make my decision.

There are still a lot of things surrounding this issue that I don't fully understand. From a political/religious point of view, I've come to believe that passing Proposition 8 does the most good for the greatest amount of people. From an emotional point of view, I still sympathize with the "equality for all" thing. I don't understand the role (or more specifically the lack thereof) of homosexuality in the plan of salvation. I'll be completely 100% honest here...I've never had any problem with the idea of homosexuality. I have problems with promiscuity, with pedophilia, with pornography, and with rape and other sexual crimes/addictions. But in my heart of hearts I still have yet to believe that homosexuality is wrong. You can hit me over the head with the plan of salvation until kingdom come, and it won't change how I feel. I've yet to encounter any logical or even spiritual argument that can convince me that a healthy, loving relationship between two women or two men is wrong. Believe me, I've been trying to figure it out for YEARS, and will probably spend the rest of my life and possibly longer learning how to reconcile my testimony in the Gospel with my feelings towards homosexuality. I've just accepted the fact that for now, the Lord is simply asking me to be obedient when it comes to Prop 8, and to simply go on faith until one day He does see fit to bless me with knowledge/experience that can help me understand the limits in His plan for His children while they are in this mortal state. I'm always learning, and always open to learning, but I think it will take a lot more explanation from the Lord to me personally, and a lot more time for me to come to any definitive conclusions.

Well, you made it. You finished this extensive, detailed, hard-core blog entry! I commend you. I've become excited to be a part of this cause, although I'm still occasionally wary of the attitude some take with it. But I've gained a testimony of my part in it. And so, as I've been saying, "We are all enlisted 'till the conflict is o'er!"

Also, regardless of your stand on this issue, if you are registered, GO VOTE ON NOVEMBER 4TH. I feel very strongly about this! Check out my 4th o' July entry from this last year to find out why.

And feel free to comment! And get out there and educate yourself! Check out all these resources, and whatever else you can find! Remember Hugh B. Brown's advice, but how are you going to make a decision if you don't know what your consequences might be?

And for the record, I'm still a Mormon Democrat and you can't make me believe I'm going to hell for it. And I think a lot more Mormons would be Democrats if they just took a political test or got more involved. But I ain't hatin.'

Peace and love in oh-nine, everyone.

Some additional interesting resources:
LDS NEWSROOM: The Divine Institution of Marriage
LDS NEWSROOM: Same-Gender Attraction
Coalition to Protect Marriage Website
INTERESTING NPR ARTICLE: Gay Rights Vs. Religious Liberties

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses." -Unknown


My license has been suspended. Long story, but for the point of this blog, let it simply stand at "my license has been suspended."

In order to lift said suspension, I've got to send an SR-22 form to the DMV in Oregon, stating that I have current insurance.

My insurance has been canceled because my license is suspended, and won't re-instate until the suspension has been lifted.

But I can't lift the suspension unless I have current insurance.

But I can't get current insurance until my license is no longer suspended.

Damn bureaucracy.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Confessions of an Oregonian who misses Idaho from California


I've got to take a moment to un-burden here. I seem to have mis-placed my rose-colored glasses, only temporarily.

I received the news, late last night via internet, that I have several thousand dollars available to me for this coming winter semester of school. A generous several thousand. Like, several thousand to cover ALL expenses for school and then several thousand left over.

God bless America. I humbly thank all the tax-payers whose money pays for my education.

Naturally, I'm ECSTATIC. It means that my financial goals will definitely be met (especially with my working two jobs here in California for a few more months), and that I will definitely be returning to BYU-Idaho in January to continue my degree. It means having roomates and theatre and roomates and classes and roomates and Comic Frenzy and roomates again! In only 12 weeks or so!

But herein lies the paradox. Does this news motivate me, give me a light at the end of the tunnel, help me to get through the hardship of this fall semester away? Not really. On the contrary, it seems to simply be making me more aware of how much I DON'T have RIGHT NOW.

The thing is, I was ALREADY looking forward to all the things that came with my return to BYU-Idaho. This little financial aid award just cleared away any remaining obstructions...took care of all the little "how" details of my plan to return. It solidified my return without a doubt. I'm really happy about that. But if I've got all that money waiting for me up there, and its more than enough, what is there to keep me here in California, sleeping on a mattress in my grandparents' back office floor? For another 2 and a half months?

Things I would miss about being here in California:
• warm weather
• the Lindsay family
• I can keep my second ear piercing in while here
• job at Barnes & Noble
• small singles ward

And my own family, too, of course. But at this stage of my life, and for me personally, it is extremely difficult to LIVE WITH family. If we were in the same area, could visit occasionally, etc., I would be thrilled. But living with them is a little difficult. I've been on my own for nigh unto five or six years, and to suddenly return to...well, to RULES of living under someone else's roof, that's a challenge. I'm a free spirit. I'm glad to sweep the patio, as long as you don't wake me up, open the window, leave my door open, and ask me favors early in the morning on days when I don't have to be anywhere in particular.

My friend Carrie and I have a theory. We have come to believe that it is against nature for two grown women in different life stages to attempt to live together.

At age 23, I'm much happier living with a handful of other people close to my own age. The rules are just so different. It's not that I'm against RULES themselves; on the contrary, I think they're a necessary element for a happy home. But at age 23, and sharing a place with people my same age, there's not one person IN CHARGE. There's no hierarchy of law...there's no one or two people who decide how everything is done. Running the home is a far more communal process. Everyone discusses and comes up with systems, solutions, agreements, etc. If anyone does adapt the role of "mother," it's never one woman putting herself in charge of everyone else's schedules, rules, bed-times, and chores. (And if it was, she would probably be miserable because her roomates would probably hate her.) A roomate "mother" is perhaps the one who sits everyone down to discuss dishes rotation, or who calls apartment prayer, etc.

I suppose this is probably an idealized roomate situation. I've had my share of not-so-idyllic apartments, but you're not considered rebellious or disrespectful if you just do your own thing.

I miss just doing my own thing. But my family has been very generous in allowing me to stay with them, and I owe them the respect and politeness they deserve for their generosity, and for being my family.

That's where the canker g-naws.

I'm really really really looking forward to moving in with friends again.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Just a bit of silliness, really...

Mom and me + alien eyeball antennae + iSight = 18 minutes of antics

18 minutes of antics + iMovie = The following.

Enjoy the family fun. It's clear where I got my sense of humor from. My mom is my hero for so many reasons. And this is just a few of them.

**Note: The first part of this video was inspired by a somewhat more brilliant and rehearsed youtube video.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Yet more poetry

This poem was born of several parents. One, of James Best's most recent poem posted on his blog. Two, of my own current poetry kick (itself born of a lot of recent emotional upheaval, I'm sure). Three, of this nutty bird that's been living in my grandparents' backyard, who has no sense of day or night. Enjoy!

Poems About Birds
“So when I am ready to read it, that bird will startle itself
right into my mouth. Down my throat.
And sing for me, make for me a second heart.
Trill away what I need trilled away."
--James Best, “The Bird”

There is a bird outside
that has no idea what time it is
one in the morning and
I’m brushing my teeth to an ornithological serenade.

I wonder if birds develop
mental illnesses.
Bipolar barn owls.
Manic-depressive mockingbirds.
Autistic African Silverbills.
I’m brushing my teeth at one in the morning
and there’s this bird
in the farthest corner of the backyard
singing itself into a frenzy.

Not a lullaby.
Not some haunting nightingale
a loon calling lonely on a moonlit lake.
I’m talking Mickey Mouse club
Bozo the clown sing-along
1950’s cornflakes commercial.
One in the morning,
I’m brushing my teeth with tears in my eyes
and there’s a bird out there
who doesn’t give a damn
just singing hallelujah to the good Lord
who made him.

Lissa said
there are things
that hurt so much that
it feels
like you don’t even have a heart.
An empty cage in your chest,
a vacuum in your ribs.
Anything that sang flown away.

One in the morning
and some bird doesn’t give a damn
that the sun set six hours ago.
Darkness already swallowed up everything
started in the corners at 7:00 p.m.
and slowly ate its way to the open empty spaces.
At one in the morning
everything is desert places
Silence that sludges through your veins
like mud
Making empty places emptier.

And somewhere
invisible in a corner
there’s this bird
who doesn’t give a damn.
To hell with empty cages
and the darkness that will remain
for another five hours at least.
This insomniatic out-of-touch damn crazy bird
is just singing hallelujah
to the good Lord who made him.

First video blog: Experiments in Femininity

Note: They DID end up coming off that very day, after I spent about 15 minutes trying to remove one of my contacts with fake nails on, and failed. It's completely impossible.

Channeling cummings...

The e.e., not the Alan. Here's a poem. It's kind of an experiment, but I had fun writing it. Like I was telling a friend, the resulting poem here seems to be one part e.e. cummings, the other part sullen teenager. The ending's a little weak, as per usual, but its the line the poem was born of, so I couldn't bring myself to change it.

Also, I completed my first video blog yesterday, and have learned that its fun and that I detest the latest version of iMovie and that my startup disk is almost full. Youtube is currently processing my uploaded video blog, so expect to see that up here soon!

NOTE: In its original format, this poem is all over the page, and the placement of the words is important to the meaning. However, blogger isn't caring to recognize that, so until I figure out a way to make it do things MY way, you'll have to settle for just the words and my assurance that the poem is much more interesting in its original cummings form.

One Smart Cookie

If she baked you bread
if you took a bite
just a taste of her
would it turn into butterflies?

I sense you wanting
she writes in tongues

Thow wing lang widge
like EllaQueenOfAllThings Jazz
throws syllables

Comic Frenzy’s
been doing it for years
and that God of Language
He’s all Mine.

(all Kleenex all snottearschocolate)
“asaWomanI can tell”
“I know you”
my green green green eyes all MoralsHonestyFriendshipLoyalty

stay on my backburner
simmer simmer slowly
Let me let all the bitter
simmer simmer out

begin to see the light at last
For I shall disapprove of anyone you date
so long as she is not