Itchy Feet

I tend to get restless in the colder months. Shorter days, colder weather, more time inside. I've got cabin fever something awful lately. But I've also got what I call "itchy feet," which is a sort of broader version of cabin fever. Cabin fever is just being a little restless, wanting a change of scenery, needing to get out and do something different. Itchy feet is when you feel all of those things, but more strongly. It's when you want some kind of lasting change, something big to jolt you out of your own status quo. The cure for cabin fever is a simple walk outside or a night with friends. Cures for itchy feet include things like drastic haircuts, redecorating the living room, and impromptu road trips.

The name isn't great. "Itchy feet." It sounds more medical than metaphorical. But a friend used it once years ago, and now I can't think of anything else to call that feeling of wanting something big and undefinable. It's like a "cabin fever squared" sort of feeling.

A few months ago, while I was doing something mundane like folding laundry, I thought to myself, "This is not the life I want to be living." So I spent the next few days thinking about the life I DO want to be living...what it looks like, what it includes. I know this is cheesy, but I'm a big believer in creating the life you want for yourself.

But here's the problem. And I fear this will sound obnoxious, because I'm really so lucky in so many ways. But a lot of my ideal life depends either on time passing, or other things that are outside of my control, or both. Here's what I'd love to be doing:
- Working as an adjunct faculty member for a university's online program
- Living in an RV full-time
- Making awesome theatre and film, both fluffy and deep (and ideally being paid for it)
- Continuing to pursue my other passions of writing, art, etc.
- Being in a better place with my mental and emotional health, having worked through divorce-induced (and previously induced) trauma

These are all things that I'm actively working towards. But I have to finish my MFA before I can apply for adjunct jobs, and then be hired. I've got to solidify my financial situation before I can make the move to full-time RV life. My contributions to theatre and film depend on me being cast, or me finding the time to create my own work, or collaborate with others. And as far as mental and emotional health goes, that'll just take time (and the continued guidance of my awesome therapist).

The main thing I lack right now is patience. Which I'm learning I don't have much of, in the grand scheme of things.

I am so so so lucky to be doing so many awesome things in my life right now. So there's this part of me that's like, "Be happy NOW, girl. You've got so much going for you!" And it's true. I do. But my feet are still SO ITCHY. I love writing my MFA. But I'm suffering from two parts writer's fatigue and one part writer's block in the last part of my thesis, a draft of which is due on Sunday. And I have SO MUCH FUN playing Maggie at the Hale every other night. But I'm craving something I can sink my teeth into--I want something challenging and provocative and thoughtful. My comedy muscles are well-worked. Now I want some drama. I'll get to flex those muscles some in an upcoming production of Othello (details TBA), but remember how we also talked about how I'm impatient?

I sort of have the vague sense that I'm not doing anything particularly meaningful to the world right now. I'm doing a lot of things that are meaningful for myself, and I'm doing a lot of things that will prepare me to do meaningful things. But I dunno, the world will little note nor long remember that one page of my art journal that I spent my afternoon working on.

I don't doubt that the ways I spend my time are generally fairly admirable, or at least above reproach. But it doesn't quite feel important enough.

Finally, I live alone, and that means that if I'm not around people for a while, I kind of sometimes forget how to...be a person? I don't know. Like I just get weird in all of my social interactions when I do leave the house. Weirder than usual.

(Tangential note: To any new friends I made in 2017, I'm really grateful for you. You're getting a pretty messed-up version of Liz right now...I've been a wreck, off and on, since February. I know and accept that I'm generally emotional and awkward and weird, but I have been more emotional, awkward, and weird than usual this year. Even if you haven't noticed it, I sure have. For the handful of new friendships I've made this year, or strengthened this year, I keep thinking, "Geez. It's too bad this person didn't meet me BEFORE 2017." 2017 has been rough for America and humanity in general, to be honest, but divorce poured gasoline on whatever fires I was already tending. And to add an additional metaphor, divorce also seems to have brought my whole house of cards down, and I've been trying to just function day to day while I also rebuild that house, hopefully this time with something sturdier than cards.)

I'm grateful for my "Bundle of Trouble" family, for Marco Polo conversations and backstage chats with Mandee, for texts with Beckah, for creative folks who play Tom Waits' albums on Halloween, for Cinema Sundays with Laura, for yoga with Adele, for shows and IHOP nights with the Improvables. Y'all keeping me grounded until I can get something more solid under these itchy feet of mine.

Also, I'm probably gonna re-decorate my living room this weekend.

Hello again, and thank you.

I'm still here!

I'll write all about the roller coaster that the last few months has been, but I'll do that later. I'm still kind of motion sick from the ups and downs, so I need to take a little while to process them. Despite the rough ride, just know that there are lots of good and wonderful things in my life that make me grateful to wake up every morning.

Here are just a few of them:

1) The bedroom ceiling. 

I got a pack of glow-in-the-dark stars from Amazon.com, and spent two and a half hours covering the ceiling and upper walls of the bedroom, unsure about the result. And then when I went to bed, I couldn't sleep for a solid half hour, because I was just grinning at the ceiling. I am OBSESSED. (Note: The above picture is not my bedroom. I do not have a camera that has the ability to capture a star ceiling that well. Also, that bedroom is five times bigger.)

2) The apartment in general, actually. 
I've made a few changes around here, and it looks awesome, and I enjoy coming home to it every night. Someday I'll muster the energy to do a before-and-after blog, but today is not that day.

3) The Great British Baking Show. 

You guys. I am obsessed. I can't help it! It's so charming and British and everything is so yummy and I love cooking shows anyway, but there's none of this cut-throat American falsified DRAMA. It's just British people baking their tushes off and it's so charming. I'm in the middle of re-watching it. Already.

4) California. And family. 

The stars aligned last week and Beckah and I got to visit Mom and Ray and Oma and Opa and everyone in California AT THE SAME TIME. With our grown up jobs and grown up schedules, that's not always easy. Beckah got there the day before I did, and when they picked me up from the airport, we went STRAIGHT to the beach. Didn't even stop to drop off luggage. We also spent some time at my uncle's log cabin in the woods, and that was wonderful, too. Mad Libs and good music and books read aloud were all included, of course.

5) S-Town. 

The producers of "This American Life" and "Serial" created a new podcast called "S-Town" and it's amazing. It's one story with seven chapters, which they released all at once on Wednesday this past week, and I finished the series today. It's funny and sad and poignant and beautiful and mysterious. 10 out of 10, would recommend.

6) Curls

I love having curly hair. I had an especially good hair day today, and it made me feel especially pretty. I love days when I feel especially pretty. (Ain't vain. I just think women should spend less time focusing on what we think are flaws in our appearance and celebrating the pretty instead.)

7) The wind outside the bedroom window as I write. 
I can hear it rustling through the trees, making the branches creak slightly. It's eerie and lovely.

8) To Kill A Mockingbird

I've loved every show I've ever done. Even if it was hard or had challenges or wasn't as fulfilling, I've always found something to love, or at the very least, something to learn. But some shows just sort of stand out in your memory as special. There's just some extra magic somehow, and everyone is passionate about the work, or maybe the story means something important to everyone involved. Macbeth. Enchanted April. And now, To Kill A Mockingbird. This show came to me at a very difficult time in my life. And that's the case for a few of us in the cast...a lot of us are dealing with loss or heartbreak of some kind. It's so meaningful to have a place to go every night where we can all pour our hearts into a story...all the heartbreak and joy and anger and fear and laughter and sadness.

And everyone is SO TALENTED. These freaking little kids and tweens, even, the ones playing Dill and Scout and Jem, are INCREDIBLE. And that actually goes for everyone. We had a run-through earlier this week, and I cried roughly eight separate times? (In reality, I started crying at the top of Act Two, and sort of kept crying off and on until the end.)

I have some dear friends in the cast, and it's been wonderful to strengthen those friendships. And despite my feelings of social anxiety, I'm slowly forming new friendships, too. Most of the cast were strangers to me at the beginning of rehearsals, but I love that friendships sort of naturally form while we're all building a show. Even though I feel awkward and uncertain sometimes, I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. People who care deeply about this work, who are funny and kind and smart.

So many members of the cast have shared what "To Kill A Mockingbird" has meant to them over the years. During rehearsals, people have shared personal experiences, poems, things they've learned, thoughts on the show. Tears have been shed. Not every rehearsal is this overwhelming emotional experience. But that's beautiful, too--the banter-y rehearsals, the missed lines, the just dragging through it. I may be blinded by my love of theatre, but I'm legitimately disappointed when I'm not called to rehearsal. During our first read-through, the director pointed out that this story is timeless, but unfortunately, it's also timely. I think all of us feel a small sense of responsibility in telling this story. It's such an honor to be even a small part of this process. I feel so so so blessed.

"In a pair of lacy pants": A Defense of Being the Mormon Cast Member in Cabaret

If you follow me on other forms of social media, you may have noticed that I'm in rehearsals for Cabaret with Utah Repertory Theatre. I'm in the ensemble, playing one of the Kit Kat Klub girls, who works in the nightclub in "a pair of lacy pants." (Incidentally, this is the one show I've done in the past several years that my dad and stepmom are able to come see. The one where I'm dancing in my underwear. I gave my dad fair warning, and he replied that he's not prudish, and truth be told, he knew me as a toddler, and has seen me dance in less than my underwear. Fair enough.)

You may be thinking, "But Liz! 'Cabaret' all sex and stuff! You're a True Believing Mormon! What are you doing dancing in your underwear?!"

I'm dancing in my underwear because I believe in the story that Cabaret tells, and I think it's important.

Here's my philosophy; the six main ideas behind my decision to do Cabaret.

POINT #1: THEATRE CAN TEACH AND INSPIRE AND MAKE US BETTER HUMANS

Brigham Young once said, "Upon the stage of a theater can be represented in character, evil and its consequences, good and its happy results and rewards; the weakness and the follies of man, the magnanimity of virtue and the greatness of truth. The stage can be made to aid the pulpit in impressing upon the minds of a community an enlightened sense of a virtuous life, also a proper horror of the enormity of sin and a just dread of its consequences. The path of sin with its thorns and pitfalls, its gins and snares can be revealed, and how to shun it."

And I agree. But I don't think that limits valuable theatre to ONLY "The Testaments" and the Nauvoo Pageant. Mormons don't have a monopoly on truth and virtue. We can learn important lessons about how to be smart and kind humans from so many sources, including shows like Cabaret.

POINT #2: NO DARKNESS --> NO CONFLICT --> NO DRAMA --> BAD THEATRE

Therefore, actors are needed to play the parts that aren't always saintly. If the Bible was made into a stage play, SOMEONE would have to play Jezebel. You simply can't have good storytelling without including people making bad choices.

(And to be honest, I don't even know if my character's choices to work in a nightclub are all bad. I haven't decided yet.)

Sometimes there are just characters making choices, and you as the audience can evaluate if they're good or bad, or why they made them, or how you can live your life differently because of their example.

POINT #3: IT'S PRETEND

I just finished a play wherein I set things on fire with the intention of killing people. The play before that, I kissed two men who were NOT my husband. Those are both bad things in real life. Significantly worse things than dancing in my underwear, if we're being honest. But it's not REAL. I can't bring myself to believe I'll be held accountable for things I'm doing in character. There are a handful of things I don't think I will ever do onstage or on camera, but the majority of them have to do with whether or not I feel the work is valuable.

POINT #4: I BELIEVE IN THOUGHTFUL STANDARDS THAT NOT EVERYONE HAS TO SHARE

If you're uncomfortable with shows like Cabaret, I think that's okay. You have a right to abstain from the things that don't feed your soul. You also have a right to do so free from judgement. But that judgement needs to go both ways. Others have a right to participate in things you feel uncomfortable with. I, personally, don't feel uncomfortable with the content of Cabaret. I've thought and studied and yes, even prayed, about this decision for myself. I won't be offended if you don't agree with the content of the show, or feel uncomfortable, or don't want to see it. (I'm a little offended by the idea that you might think I'm a heathen for participating, because I feel it doesn't give me due credit, but that's my own issue.)

POINT #5: I ALWAYS WANT TO GROW AS A PERFORMER

I haven't played a dance-heavy role since...2006? After several injuries in my early twenties, I shifted my focus away from dance and more towards acting and singing. I still enjoy dance, and I'm fairly decent at it. But this show will push me to re-awaken and strengthen skills that have laid semi-dormant for a decade. Skills that I know will make me a better performer. And it gives me an opportunity to explore and shape a character unlike any I've played before. I want my acting jobs to push me into new territory, to force me outside of my comfort zone just enough to help me grow.

POINT #6: RELEVANT ART SHOULD BE DONE

When we had our first meeting as a cast this week, the director and several cast members talked about the deep need they (we) feel for this show right now. Because here's what Cabaret is actually about:
- It's about the dangers of nationalism, when it runs unchecked.
- It's about what happens when a leader shows up and promises to fix the problems of a lot of people who are underemployed, disenfranchised, and angry.
- It's about blaming an entire group of people for the problems of society.
- It's about a time and place in history when LGBT rights were being fought for, and sexuality and gender was being researched and honored, and the LGBT community was given a safe haven from bigotry, before a World War sent the entire movement underground again.
- It's about joining the crowd without trusting your own heart and conscience first.

Those are lessons we need now and always. As the granddaughter of German immigrants, as an LGBT ally, as a citizen of the United States, and yes, as a Latter-day Saint, I feel a duty to share these lessons. It really is okay if you feel uncomfortable about the context in which these lessons are shared. But for me, I'm grateful for the opportunity.

"Because paper has more patience than people."

I have been keeping a journal for 17 years. A few months ago, Jacob asked me what my motivation for journaling has been. I answered with a lot of reasons--because I write compulsively, because writing helps me think through things, because I know it will be fun to go back and read about later, because it will be an important record for future generations. But when I thought about the first journal entries I ever penned, and what motivated those, I realized suddenly that it was the diary of Anne Frank.

I was about 12 when I first read Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl...one year younger than Anne was when she wrote her first entry. It is one of the most well-loved and oft-read books I own. I still have my original copy--I think I got it as a birthday or Christmas gift. It is one of the few books that survived moving to Oregon, my entire college experience, and various purges/spring cleanings. I've read it so often that I have whole sections of it memorized.

Anne articulated for me so many aspects of growing up, even though our worlds were so different. The feeling of being misunderstood, of being afraid to show anyone your better side in case they laugh at you, of having opinions and thoughts and aspirations that people don't take seriously because you are young. And I know I'm not the only person who felt that way--it's part of why the book has been so well-loved for so long.

Anne Frank's diary gave me courage as a young girl...courage to pursue my dreams and develop my gifts. Her words gave me confidence during lonely times, when friends were hard to come by, or when family members were fighting, or when the world just seemed too big and confusing to be a part of. The diary inspired me to write my own stories and experiences, and this blog exists in part because of that inspiration. This story is very very very dear to my heart, and it always will be.

Until this last week, I'd never seen any adaptation of the story. Not the play, not any film or television. I think I've been afraid of this enormously beautiful part of my life being...well, slaughtered. It would be heartbreaking to have this beloved story told poorly. But I finally girded my loins and headed to the Hale Centre Theatre Orem's production--an old friend was playing Dussell, and I wanted to see his work in this story that I love so much, and to see if the story could really be told on stage. So I sat in the 4th row and watched as ten actors told the story.

And it was beautiful. It was as close to perfect as it could get.

It is an astonishing challenge to portray people who really lived. And for so much of my life, I've seen each character through Anne's eyes...unfeeling Mummy, insufferable Mrs. Van Daan, the shy and dear Peter, the stodgy and foolish Dussell. But the play allowed me to see each character even more fully. Mummy only seems unfeeling because she and Anne don't quite understand each other, but they long for one another's love. Dussell is simply a man set in his ways, and having to go into hiding with two full families is hard on him. Mrs. Van Daan was truly happy when she was young, and her life hasn't turned out quite the way she wanted it to, and that hurts her.

(Part of me wishes I could have seen this show earlier, so that this blog could also serve as a review and a "go see this show!" But closing night was Saturday...oh, the impermanence of theatre.)

The script does a wonderful job of bringing Anne's diary to life, and condensing some of the most important parts into a 2-hour production. There were little details that I noticed and loved--the mention of the Westertoren clock, Anne's moment of talking about the window in her room, the giving of gifts. Anne gives all of these things a lot of thought in her diary, and seeing them nodded to onstage warmed my heart. And the script manages to capture the humor of Anne's world as well as the heartbreak--the anger as well as the love.

HCTO's stage conventions were also perfect choices (and I don't know whether some of these are specified in the script or not). The audience entered through the hidden door that concealed the entrance to the "Secret Annexe"--complete with a bookcase. And as soon as any of the "Secret Annexe members" entered the stage, THEY STAYED ONSTAGE. This included during scene changes (which were done through dimming the lights and a voiceover of one of Anne's diary entries, during which the actors would complete any costume changes), and during intermission. It was such a perfect convention--because the Van Daans, the Franks, and Dussell truly did have to stay there the entire time. Having the actors remain onstage and in character during intermission allowed the audience to see the way they must have spent most of their time, in boredom or in games, in conversation, or resting.

An enormous shout out must be given to each of the actors. I could spend hours singing each of their praises, but I'll just say that their performances were flawless. I think part of my love of the show was simply because what was presented onstage perfectly matched what I've seen in my head for all these years. Often when we dislike some movie or play, it's because what we see on stage or screen DOESN'T match our imagination, but this time, it happened to align perfectly for me. (And a big shout out must be given to Dan Anderson as well, for superb costume design. You've a good eye, sir, and your design heightened the storytelling without distracting from it.)

In all my years of reading "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl," I've only read the afterword a few times. I know the story of what happened to each of the members of the Secret Annexe. But Anne's diary doesn't cover it--we don't hear about the events in her voice. So I've never had to really face it. I've never had to watch the faces of the Van Daans and the Franks and Mr. Dussell as they listened to the sounds of the approaching Gestapo. I've never had to witness their fear and despair as the knocking and hammering got louder and louder. And my heart splintered watching it.

Anne Frank's story is an important one, and a beautiful one. Not only because of the story she tells, but because of the beautiful way she tells it. In one journal entry, she writes:

“I want to go on living even after my death! And therefore I am grateful to God for this gift, this possibility of developing myself and of writing, of expressing all that is in me. I can shake off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear; my courage is reborn. But, and that is the great question, will I ever be able to write anything great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer?”

In the tragedy of Anne's story, there is such beauty in knowing that her dream came true. She goes on living, even after her death. And in her own way, she did write something great, and she became both a journalist and a writer.

I know I can't speak for them. But I feel certain that the real Otto and Edith Frank, that the real Mr. and Mrs. Van Daan, that the real Peter, the real Margot, the real Albert Dussell, and the real Anne Frank would be honored and pleased by HCTO's production, even if they would be surprised by it. I'm sure none of them expected their story to become so widely known, but I feel as though the universe gave Anne and each of her Secret Annexe housemates a gift. They get to have their story told, and they stand as voices of the millions whose stories we will never know. I left the production filled with gratitude for both Anne and her diary, and the world of theatre that brought it to life.

Following Up

Between getting called back for an unexpected role (yay!), Cary Elwes winking at me, and my most recent blog entry getting so much attention, May has been a little surreal.

For those interested, I addressed some ideas in the original post by editing one point about personal revelation. I know what I meant, but based on comments, I've realized that I didn't communicate it clearly, and felt it would simply be easiest to go back and edit a little. To make things as clear as possible, I've highlighted my edits to the original post in orange. You may view the original post, with changes, here.

I had this whole huge new post written to discuss the responses this blog has gotten, but instead I'm going to let others do most of the talking. Here are two bits of writing for you:

The Millennial Star: Some Thoughts on Discipleship and "Staying Mormon"
This blog is a response written directly to mine, with some wonderful, beautiful, powerful truths that I totally agree with, and just didn't (don't) articulate well. I am always hesitant to share the deeper parts of my testimony. Some of that is due to feeling like I can never quite say what I mean--like words aren't quite enough to express what I feel. And some of it is just plain fear. I can say it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, but I sure find it hard to live by. The Millennial Star somehow managed to capture some of the deeper truths I carry in my own heart and express them better than I could have done. I'm grateful to this writer for being humble, wise, and articulate. It's a blessing that I share their sentiments because they express them better than I can. My strongest belief is that we can do more to grow and find peace by turning to the Lord than we can by doing anything else. If that was unclear in my original post, I am to blame. That is the most important step in carving out your place in the Church.

There is one thought from this blog I'd like to address, though, and that is the power of reaching outward. The Millennial Star blog rightly pointed out the differences between individualism vs. discipleship. But one major part of the "It only matters what you think of you and what God thinks of you" philosophy is this: God wants us to serve others. He wants us to form meaningful relationships. He wants you to find and build communities. So if we are truly evaluating ourselves by what God thinks of us, we will remember that He always loves us, but we will also ask questions like, "How can I serve and lift others?" "Who would the Lord have me help today?" "What can I do today to bring others to Christ?" God also wants us to turn to Him. Allowing this philosophy to guide our lives will naturally lead us to discipleship, simply because we are thinking about God's will. If I had said, "It only matters what YOU think of you and you alone," this would be pretty straight-up individualism. But to me, the idea "It only matters what you think of you AND what God thinks of you" covers both individualism and discipleship. For myself, it has helped me to not get too caught up in the culture, or traditions of men, but has also kept me seeking divine truth.

On Religion or Black and White and Gray
This was a post written by a dear dear friend almost a year ago. In it, she expresses the beauty of a Gospel where we can have a personal relationship with God, who understands our intentions and relationships and circumstances. This, along with the power of the Atonement, allows us to live our lives without worrying about whether or not someone else is living the Gospel correctly. I could easily use this as a defense for myself against those who, at least in the comments section, seem pretty concerned about my eternal welfare. But it goes both ways. Because I am a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck (with a German temper), there are so many times when I am critical of those around me, or are tempted to be. It is one of my greatest weaknesses--being self-righteously irritated. But Carrie's example reminds me that I don't have to worry about how others are living the Gospel. They are on their own journey. I am grateful for the people around me who remind me always to keep my eye on Christ.

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and wisdom and testimonies and solidarity. Keep being awesome.



Oh, final thought. This is unrelated to anything spiritual. But if you're wondering why I'm naked, here's an explanation. (Don't worry, it's totally G-rated.)

How to Stay Mormon When You're Tired of Mormons

A couple of years ago, there was a blog entry that made the rounds called "Being a Mormon Misfit." I loved the message of hope and belonging that it provided. I also appreciated this friend's response, reminding readers that many of the Mormons we think of as "mainstream" probably have a lot more going on under the surface than we think.

I think the Mormon Misfit does exist, if it only means someone who just feels like they don't fit in. They could in actuality fit in, but just not feel like they do.

Because God knows I've been one of those people--someone who feels like they don't fit in. Modesty makes me grumpy, I have a second piercing in my right ear, I am pro-gay marriage, and you guys, I have a tattoo designed that I want so so so badly. But I've also felt a confirmation of many of the truths of the Gospel. And sometimes that puts me in a contradictory place.

So over the years, I've found a way to carve out my own space in the Church. It's an ongoing process, but I thought I'd share some of my tools--a practical guide to how to carve out your own space of belonging. Some of these tools may work for you, some of them may not. Spirituality is so so personal. But if you sometimes sit in sacrament meeting and wonder what the hell you're doing there, know that I've been there, and sometimes I'm still there, but remembering the following things help me to keep perspective.

6 Things To Remember When You're Tired of Mormons

1. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you--just what you think of you, and what God thinks of you.
This is probably the biggest guiding principle in my life. And it's completely impossible to truly remember and live by all the time. But it's really what everything else in this list comes down to, and when you can remember it, it's empowering. So what if the Relief Society President thinks you're immodest? She's not in charge of your eternal salvation. And even if she or other leaders have a hand in your eternal judgement, God's judgement will override any of that.

2. Personal revelation is more important than anything else. [I think I was unclear in this section, so I've added a few additional clarifications in orange, as of 11:00 pm Monday, May 18th. I apologize if that makes anything in the comments make less sense...I couldn't think of a better way to address these things!]
In our Church, we speak often about the importance of obedience, of faith in the Church, of following the counsel of leaders even when we don't understand it. And there is value in those things...we can grow and learn from doing those things. But there may be times that your own conscience may dictate otherwise. Those are painful moments, and it can be really really difficult to trust that you're doing the right thing in following your own heart. And maybe sometimes it's NOT the right thing [to follow your own heart]. But your responsibility as a human being is to take everything you are told to the Lord. And if your own personal revelation says something contrary to [what leaders of] the Church [may say], trust it. [I'm not talking about things like commandments. Personal revelation will not be contrary to the COMMANDMENTS. I'm talking about things like leader's opinions on the Big Bang, or the best way to be a parent, or what legislation should be passed. I honor and sustain the men and women called to lead this Church, but recognize that it is not meet that we are commanded in all things, and that sometimes something that seems like revelation for the entire Church may not be when you seek confirmation of it.] Others may judge you for [your interpretation of statements by leaders], but those who pass judgment are not in charge of your eternal salvation, so it doesn't matter what they think.

3. You have permission to leave if your pain exceeds your nourishment.
I mean this on a short-term basis, although I think it can apply long-term. But since the point of this post is to help people stay active if they want to, I'm mostly focusing on short-term. It's inevitable that someone will say something in one of your meetings someday that rubs you the wrong way. You may never have a day when you go to Church and 100% agree with everyone around you. Most of the time, you can just shift your focus, listen to the Spirit, dig into your scriptures on your own, find some way to help you stay grounded. But sometimes the sheer effort of doing that distracts from the actual nourishment you could be receiving. So if you need to step out for a few minutes, for the rest of the meeting, or for the rest of the day, give yourself permission to do that. Take your worship into your own hands. It's almost always best to stay. But if you're not getting anything out of Church, put yourself in a situation where you ARE being spiritually nourished.

4. God's children are flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wrecks. 
That includes:
- The elderly man who takes his sacrament talk as an opportunity to share his personal opinions on abortion and gay marriage
- The bishop, Relief Society president, the Elder's Quorum president, and any other leaders
- The lady in Sunday school who says the only sex ed children need is the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife
- The Stake President's wife, who tells everyone from the pulpit that you will feel the Spirit more if you shower every day
- The guy in your ward who says he gets to tell you that your stick-on tattoo is against the Honor Code because "he has the Priesthood and you don't" 
- The Sunday School teacher who dismisses the comments a woman makes about the lesson, and then welcomes the EXACT SAME COMMENT when it's made by a man

(All of these are based on true and personal stories, BTW.) The point is that, like everyone is always saying, "The Gospel is perfect, the people are not." And as difficult as it is to remember, this also goes for the prophets and apostles. Which takes me back to point #2--personal revelation is more important than anything else. If a leader says something you don't feel comfortable with, you have a right to take it to the Lord, figure it out, maybe even reject it. But no one should have to censor themselves to your own standards/beliefs...Even the idiots have a right to be here. They have a right to say whatever they do, and you have a right to dismiss it if you feel you must.
(Also note, you are a flawed, imperfect, fallible, messy, emotional wreck.)
The other part of this truth is this: In the words of an old friend, "If somebody seems perfect, then either #1, they're Jesus, or #2, they have something to hide. Probably #2 though." This is where Val's point about the Mormon misfit being a myth fits in. Many of the people you see at Church may seem "orthodox" and "perfect," but are likely carrying things the rest of us can only dream of. Don't fail to imagine others complexly.  

5. The purpose of Church is to nourish everyone, including those who are just beginning.
For those who have been members for many years, or for the intellectual types, Church can sometimes just plain get boring. There is so much insanely interesting stuff in the scriptures and in Church history...complicated details that deserve our time and attention. And 99% of the time, that's NOT the stuff we talk about in Sunday School. But that's because everyone is at a different place in their progression and testimony. What if someone is returning to Church after a long hiatus? Or what if someone just got baptized? Or what if they're just investigating? Discussing the connections between LDS temple ceremonies and Masonic ritual is NOT going to bring them closer to Christ--it will probably overwhelm them. I'm not saying that studying those things is bad. In fact, I think it's really really good and really really important. But that's what personal study is for, or discussions with friends and family. This is totally the "Gospel According to Liz," but to me it makes sense to say that while there is overlap, Church is primarily the time for nourishment, and personal study is primarily the time for learning.

6. For most of us, life is better with the Church than without it.
This is the ultimate truth that keeps me in the pews. Because I haven't always had the Church in my life. And there have been times when I've had the Church, but not as fully. And here's what I think. Life can be painful and complicated and overwhelming. And that's true whether you're in the Church or not. So if it's true, you might as well continue to receive nourishment where you can. I know I can use all the help I can get when it comes to life, and the Gospel is the best source of help I've found.


The Rock Wall
Here's my final thought. An institute teacher shared this with me years ago, and it's a FANTASTIC analogy. Your testimony is like a rock wall. (Don't worry about the purpose of the wall--the analogy doesn't stretch that far.) Everyone is constantly building to their walls, stone by stone. And every now and then, you may stumble upon a stone and not see exactly where it fits. It may be labeled "gay marriage" or "visiting teaching" or "hymns are boring" or "why do we have so many freaking meetings and why are they so freaking long." But that doesn't mean you abandon the wall. It means you set the stone aside and keep building with what you DO know. And as you build, you may suddenly see where that stone fits. Some people have likened this process to a jigsaw puzzle, but that implies that everyone's testimony looks the same eventually. I like the stone wall better because everyone's will look completely different, and have different foundations, but all of them are still valid. It can be frustrating to feel sometimes like you're surrounded by stones you don't understand. But hang in there. You'll find their place eventually. And as you do, you'll find your OWN place, too.

The Mormon Darwinist: Why I Believe in the Theory of Evolution (And Still Have a Testimony)

I got to talking with a friend about evolution the other evening, and it got me all fired up and ready to discuss things, so I decided to write my thoughts here. I'm gonna do a little explaining, de-bunking, and testifying here, and it's much easier to present my ideas clearly in writing. I've had a long journey to my current ideas, and ten years ago or so, would have called myself a staunch creationist. But I've done a lot more learning since then, and I've come full circle (gasp!) without losing any faith in God. So here goes. (And I apologize in advance if this is a little...pedantic. I had to get a little academic here.)

First of all, let's get on the same page here.

READER'S DIGEST VERSION OF THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION

Let's meet Charles Darwin. Here he is with his striking eyes and startling beard:

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who spent several years in the Galapagos Islands in the 1830s, where he observed lots of variation among the flora and fauna. This got him thinking and theorizing and observing even more, and in 1859, he published "On the Origin of Species" and basically turned the world upside down. Before this, just about everyone (scientists included) tended to believe that all creatures put on earth were formed perfectly and immutably. Fossils were assumed to be from creatures that still existed somewhere, not creatures that had gone extinct.

Darwin offered a different explanation: creatures evolved through natural selection. Here's how natural selection works: Let's say, millions of years ago, creatures that we'd now call giraffes were wandering around Africa, but they've got short necks. One day, a giraffe is born with a genetic mutation that makes his neck just a little bit longer than the other giraffes'. Because of his long neck, he can reach leaves higher up in the trees. He's better nourished and that makes him a little bit stronger and healthier than the others. And in the animal kingdom, that means more procreation! So he finds a lady giraffe and they have a giraffe baby. And that giraffe baby inherits the longer neck from her father. So she gets to procreate, and she passes the longer neck on to her offspring. With each generation, the longer the neck. And the longer the neck, the better the chances of survival, since  long-necked giraffes can reach leaves that are higher, see predators approaching from far away, etc. The giraffes with shorter necks don't procreate as often, simply because they don't survive. And after several thousand/million years, you've ONLY got long-necked giraffes. Bam. New species.

Generally speaking, a new species is official when it can no longer reproduce with the old species. Because there's usually more than one mutation going on...giraffes aren't only getting longer necks with every generation, they might be getting taller legs, or different coat patterns, etc. Eventually, long-necked, spotted giraffes' sperm and eggs are no longer compatible.

Got it?

One of the biggest proofs of evolution is the fossil record. We can see how species changed, adapted, and went extinct because their remains were left behind, and we can date them based on how deep in the earth they are and carbon dating. There are millions of species that no longer exist. We can also see natural selection at work today, not only in the Galapagos Islands, but everywhere. Check out this famous moth example.

Okay, now let's do some de-bunking. Here are some common arguments against evolution, and my response to them.

COMMON ARGUMENTS AGAINST EVOLUTION

"Evolution is just a theory."
Here's a delightfully sassy quote by modern biologist Richard Dawkins to address this point: "So is gravity, but I don't see you jumping out of buildings."

In science, the word "theory" has a slightly different meaning than in everyday life. In everyday life, a theory is an idea or a guess...something that hasn't been tested yet. In science, a theory is the end result of lots of observation and experimentation. A theory both explains past observations and makes predictions future events and patterns. Scientists don't throw the term around lightly.

So when scientists say something is a scientific THEORY, they mean that lots of testing and observation has been done to prove it.

"I can't imagine something as complex as the human eye just EVOLVING."
This is an argument that I've heard a lot, and I admit that there is a poetry to it. A lot of it seems to stem from this quote from Darwin himself: “To suppose that the eye with all its inimitable contrivances for adjusting the focus to different distances, for admitting different amounts of light, and for the correction of spherical and chromatic aberration, could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I confess, absurd in the highest degree."

BUT, it seems that people often end the quote there. In reality, the very next sentence in this Darwin quote is, "The difficulty of believing that a perfect and complex eye could be formed by natural selection, though insuperable by our imagination, should not be considered subversive of the theory.”

And the reality is that although true evolution takes many many many years, this kind of complexity has been observed. Scientists have proposed how light-sensitive patches of skin eventually became the complex eye. Check out a summary of the idea here.

"Wouldn't we see species changing before our eyes?"
Well, that's not actually how evolution works. Evolution doesn't say that individual creatures will transform. It says that over time, generations of a species change. (See explanation above.)

"But Darwin didn't even believe his own theory."
I'm not sure where this one comes from. I don't know a ton about Darwin's personal history...I do know he struggled with aspects of his theory, partly because of his religious uncertainty and partly because it was a CRAZY BRAND NEW THEORY that was not widely accepted at the time.

And regardless of whether or not he personally believed it, it has been proven by countless other scientists.

"Fossils are just placed on earth by God to test our faith."
Here's why this doesn't jive with me, personally. Because God doesn't seem to work like that...I just mean that there doesn't seem to be precedent. Faith is hope for things not seen...not the denial of things seen. I can't think of any other examples in scripture where God showed us something with physical evidence and asked us to deny it. So it doesn't make sense that He would do that with fossils.

"If humans descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?"
Darwin never actually claimed that human are descended from modern monkeys. He claimed that humans and modern monkeys share a common ancestor.

Most of us are familiar with the famous "March of Progress" illustration of evolution:

But it's actually a little bit misleading...it seems to imply that a monkey just grew up into a man. A better illustration is this:

A monkey swinging through the trees didn't suddenly lose its hair and start walking upright. Somewhere around 12-16 MILLION years ago, some ancient primates had babies who could walk upright more easily, and they survived to have babies who did the same thing, and eventually, those upright-walking primates could no longer reproduce with the other primates and they were officially a new species.

"Evolution can't explain how life FIRST began on earth."
It doesn't claim to. Life spontaneously beginning on earth is one of the great mysteries of science, and there are several hypotheses out there. There are also several amazing experiments that are getting closer and closer to showing that life can be created from non-organic ("non-alive") compounds.

WHERE SCIENCE AND RELIGION INTERSECT
(AND WHY IT MATTERS)

Okay, now let's get to the good stuff. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a "True Believing Mormon" with a testimony of a loving God. So how can I believe all this ridiculous science stuff that so blatantly denies a God? Here's how.

Creation of Man

So the Bible says that Adam was the first man. He was created from the dust of the earth. Here's how I reconcile this idea with that of human evolution.

One of the doctrines of the restored Gospel is that we are spirit children of Heavenly Father. Our spirits existed before we came to earth, and we inhabit our bodies like a hand inhabits a glove. So while there could have been generations of humanoid beings on earth, Adam was the first being who was a spirit son of God. Here's an illustration of what I mean. (And I know I just said that this illustration isn't a very accurate one, but it is a good one for illustrating this point). Like this:

The Bible says that "man was created in God's image" and "from the dust of the earth." But these are vague and poetic terms. It's totally possible that God just sort of snapped His fingers and swirled together a human being from dirt. But the fossil record says differently. The Bible doesn't give us the details of how man was created, only why. I don't think that scripture is the only source of truth...that it's the comprehensive guide to everything in the universe. The purpose of scripture is to bring us closer to God and help us know how to live good lives. I think that God wants us to study and find truth in all places, including the world of science.

Idea of Eternal Progression
When it comes down to it, the entire theory of evolution is all about how species change to meet adversity. And the entire plan of salvation is about how individuals change to meet adversity. To me, evolution is the physical and scientific parallel to the idea of spiritual growth. It's just that spiritual growth happens on an individual level and physical growth happens through generations. It's not a perfectly clean parallel. But it's one that resonates with me. 

My Place In the Universe
This is the "so what?" part of things. There are a handful of people out there who would ask "If you're just trying to be a good Christian, why do you need to know where human beings came from? Why do you need to understand any of this? Just be kind and move on."

And here's my reply.

While that may be enough for some people, it isn't for me. I think it's important to understand how the world around us works, because then we can better understand our place within it. And understanding our place within the world helps us know how to treat God's creations--how our actions affect the ecology around us. Understanding the scientific world reminds me that we are subject to the laws and patterns of the natural world. (And one of those things is evolution.)

There's also the awesome part of Mormon doctrine that says that I have the potential to be a God myself someday--to create worlds without end. But how am I to do that if I don't study how my own God did it? I realize that there will probably be thousands of years worth of curriculum on "planet creation" in the next life before I'll be ready to give it a go. And there are plenty of people who have lived on earth who didn't get a chance to study science and evolution in this life. But I do have the chance. And it strengthens my testimony to learn of these amazing things now.

Because here's the most amazing thing about the theory of evolution to me:

It reveals a God of immense complexity. 
From all that I've studied and felt and learned, I've come to see God as the Greatest Scientist. The God who loves me and knows me as an individual is also the master of the nuclear fusion that creates starlight. He is more than just an invisible man in the sky, a mere human being with magical creation powers. He understands the diverse and constantly shifting universe. That's incredible.

A God who can snap His fingers and create a living being is one worthy of worship, but one who can orchestrate a complicated machine of a universe is one worthy of emulation.

Have any other related questions or issues? Things you've learned? Things you've wondered? Leave a comment! 

Secret Service (not the spy kind, though)

So I finished my first Personal Progress activity a week or so ago! (I'm doing the required value experiences as one of my "9 Goals While 29" this year.) I did one for Good Works, and it was actually just a little bit harder than I thought it would be. Here's what I did:

Learn why service is a fundamental principle of the gospel. Read Matthew 5:13–16; 25:34–40; Galatians 6:9–10; James 1:22–27; Mosiah 2:17; 4:26; and 3 Nephi 13:1–4. Others often give service you may not notice, such as preparing meals, reading to or listening to younger children, repairing clothing, or helping a brother or sister. For two weeks record in your journal the quiet acts of service your family members and others perform. Acknowledge their service in some meaningful way.

Here's why it was difficult. Number one, my current family is me and my husband. I don't have siblings or parents at home to observe. Number two, as the scriptures above talk about, one fundamental part of service seems to be discretion. So it's hard to observe others doing service when most people are trying to keep their service on the DL.

(This also makes it difficult to "acknowledge their service in some meaningful way." I can either publicly "out" people for doing nice things, or I can creepily be like, "Hey, I saw you do that nice thing. I've been watching you. Good job." So this is my way of acknowledging the service of others.)

When we think of service, I think we most often think of "tasks"--doing the dishes, making a meal. And I did observe this kind of service in others. There were times when people helped clean up the theatre before or during rehearsal, or when Jacob did the dishes, or a friend sent an encouraging text message. But I was also reminded that good works and service can mean anything that shows kindness. The kind of service that was really meaningful and inspiring was mostly very small. It was a compliment given briefly in passing, or someone asking how someone's day was and sincerely listening to the answer. I think that simple, sincere friendliness might be the most powerful kind of good works out there.

It's also contagious. Watching others around me be friendly inspired me to be more of a "giver" in my relationships.

To be vulnerable for a moment, I, like every artist (okay, like every human being), go through phases when I feel insecure and don't have any confidence and just feel certain that no one actually likes me. The thing is that these thoughts and feelings have nothing to do with my interactions with others--it's just me freaking out. And those times make me a "taker" in my relationships--I start to feel this desperate need for others to validate me as a human being. And that kind of need doesn't make me a very good friend.

It's kind of counter-intuitive, but the reality is that the antidote for a lack of confidence around others is to SERVE others. Low self-esteem makes you feel like you don't have much to give, but the reality is that giving fills you up. It turns friendships into something you desperately NEED (even though it's never enough) to something that uplifts and inspires and strengthens everyone involved. I feel a little bit guilty for forgetting this as often as I do. (To my friends and acquaintances, I'm sorry for that. I'll keep working on it.)

Thank you for your wonderful examples! You make me want to be better and to lift others up. Keep being kind, people. It's rocking my world.

Months before Thanksgiving

Hello everyone.

I'm 29! I'm going to do an update post about my 8 Goals While 28, and share my new goals for this coming year, but first I want to talk about gratitude. Because I've got a lot of it, lately.

I used to think gratitude was a choice. Like, that you would be happier if you consciously chose to be grateful for things. I still think that's true, but I'm also starting to believe that gratitude is something that can happen TO you. It's something that can fill you up, suddenly and unexpectedly. I feel like that's been happening to me a lot lately.

There is so much uncertainty in Jacob and I's lives right now. We live paycheck to paycheck, and every audition and query letter and submission and substitute teaching job is another leap off another cliff. But while I'm leaping, the view is beautiful. Here are just some of the bright and peaceful moments that have been shimmering in my heart lately:

The early morning sunlight on the mountains as I drive to school in the mornings, the clouds slowly burning away as everything grows brighter.

The cast of "Damn Yankees" singing "Happy birthday" to me at rehearsal, accompaniment at all, while I sat feeling so shy but so full, grinning from ear to ear.

Jacob sitting in the living room, playing the songs he writes, singing words that are so beautiful and so true.

Driving through Provo in the rain, listening to romantic music.

Sitting in a Wendy's in Orem, while ideas for a story pour into me, and writing them messily down in a notebook.

Watching a woman at an audition write the word "YES" in capital letters on the top of my audition sheet.

Standing around the piano at Melany's house at 11:30 at night, Marshall's hands flying over the keys, and Daniel and Taylor and I all taking turns singing.

Good talks with new friends while driving to and from rehearsal.

Getting up early one morning and eating cereal on the front porch in the cool morning air, watching the world wake up around me.


Maybe it's because I'm sort of forced into "living in the moment" nowadays, but I just feel more present in my life than I have in a while. I suspect these moments have always been here, and I've just been too busy "planning ahead" to notice them. And life still isn't perfect. It isn't easy. The bathroom roof leaks and public school students always misbehave for the substitute teacher and I had to buy off-brand cheese last week. But I've got all these good and beautiful moments that give me the strength to deal with the not-so-good moments. I'm so so so blessed, and it would simply be unreasonable to go on without acknowledging that fact.

So I'm starting off my 29th year of life by feeling grateful.

photo via

The rains came down...

...and the floods came up.

Literally. Rexburg had some major flooding yesterday evening...about 2 inches of rain. 2 inches doesn't seem like a lot, but it's a lot. Especially when it all comes down within like, half an hour. There was also dime-sized hail. Between the debris caused by the hail and the huge amount of water in a short time, Rexburg's drains just couldn't cut it.

So this happened.

Plenty of people just took it in stride, like these folks, and the kayaker who's now famous among Rexburg's community (so many pictures of this guy). 

Video from the steps of the Kirkham building:

Video from the 4th floor of the Smith building:

Video from the east side of the Snow building:

Almost every building on campus was flooded. The Smith had some major electrical damage and is still closed, but the MC saw the worst of the water:

The testing center is located on the bottom floor of the MC, and seeing as how it's finals week next week, there were a lot of prayers that finals would be cancelled. But no such luck for students. Things are up and running again today.

The Snow building saw it's own share of water...this is the actor's studio:

Way to save the acting blocks, everyone. :)

There haven't been any major injuries, and no deaths. Jacob and I and his family live north of Rexburg, and we didn't get one drop of rain. I could hear the thunder, so I sat on the porch and watched the storm go by. Then I got on Facebook and was overwhelmed by all the photos and videos of what was happening on campus.

So, like any nature-lover, I got in the car and drove to campus. (I can't really explain why. I just wanted to be a part of it all, or something.)

Anyway, by the time I got to town, the floodwaters had receded quite a bit...and campus wasn't the raging rapid that it had been a few hours earlier. But it was clear that it had rained something crazy. I drove around for a bit and took pictures of the damage. These were all taken about 2 hours after the worst of it:

(This puddle was deeper than I had anticipated...)

This guy was happy about the rain!

 So I drove around for a little while, and then noticed crowds of people with buckets and trash cans, bailing people out. And suddenly, I thought, "Wait. People actually need help." I parked the van and grabbed our car trash can and waded out to help. I joined this group of people in their assembly line...they were trying to get the water down before it reached the front door of the house (just off camera to the right).

You know, I'll be the first to admit that the Mormon Church is not perfect. I love the Gospel dearly, and I don't ever want to leave the Church, but there are a lot of cultural things and sometimes policy things that I struggle with. But when it comes down to it, the students at BYU-Idaho are ready to serve. There was so much teamwork and service last night. Everything from "Bucket Brigades" to people bringing soup and water bottles to offering places to stay. No one told them to do it. They just saw a need and stepped up. 

Someone caught this gem of a moment, and it captures the spirit of last night's efforts pretty well:

 After we finished with the yard above, someone said they knew Baronessa Apartments needed help. So we all headed over there. And boy were they right. When we got there, a lot of the furniture had already been taken out of the apartments. 

But the biggest task ahead was bailing out the apartments. A lot of the student housing in Rexburg has a semi-submerged lower level, and quite a few of them were flooded pretty badly. I don't know details on other complexes...all I know is that Baronessa had about four and a half feet of water in each apartment.

Students were able to get most of their belongings out in time, but the damage was pretty bad. I joined the Bucket Brigade working to lower the water level, which meant standing waist-high in muddy water and filling up buckets to hand over the wall. I ran into several friends there, including my friend Eden who exclaimed cheerfully, "It's my first natural disaster!" as she stood waist-deep in water next to me, her hands muddy as she filled bucket after bucket.

We got the water down to about three feet, and then they brought a truck to help pump out the rest. The next task was to get the water-logged couches and mattresses out of each apartment, and to clean up as much trash as possible. We worked until about 9, before we ran out of light to work by.

I dreamed about it all last night, and this morning I woke up and wrote down my fragmented thoughts. I'm posting them here, unedited, so it's a bit disjointed, but it was an overwhelming experience, and I don't think I could describe it as well if I tried to compose it. Here are the images and memories I have of last night:

Wading through Baronessa. Surreal. Could have been any one of the apartments I lived in (thought of Beehive) back in the day. Walking on carpet underneath three feet of water felt so strange--a combination of sensations that I'd never experienced. Personal belongings floating among bark and dirt. Could see the waterline above the kitchen counter, along the living room walls, on the bedroom closets...it would have been neck-high in some places. Pictures and quotes on the walls, like every other girl's apartment in Rexburg. Dark because of no electricity, and getting darker. Towards the end, had to squint. 

Paper and occasionally clothing brushing past legs and feet. I would pull something out of the water now and then, to keep it from getting tangled. Stubbing toes on bed frames and cinderblocks. A few stray hangers now and then. A floating bag of flour. Swollen and water-logged cheerios. Carpets coming up from the water...bits of padding and plastic floating. Standing water being blocked by floating mattresses. Lip gloss, first aid, notes from classes, the occasional shoe, all floating by my legs. A water-logged towel I pulled up, and handed to someone outside, joking, "Just in case you need to dry off." I thought of Rose and Jack in the Titanic...wading through the water while furniture began to float around them. It all made the ceiling seem closer. 

My toes lost sensation after a while. I wondered what else I was walking in. I had to just not think about it, not wonder what was brushing my legs and feet. I was careful not to touch my face with my muddy hands. Thought of the times I moved mattresses in the past, and how awkward and unwieldy a mattress is. When they're waterlogged, they're too heavy to lift. You have to fold them, push them along in the water. We found a full suitcase under one of the beds, the clothing inside weighing it down so that we couldn't float it out. It took three people to carry. The box springs would make a squelching sound when you lifted them--all the water creating a vacuum underneath. Box springs revealed candy stashes, boxes of notes, the odd piece of clothing...things that would pour out with the water when we lifted them. In one apartment, I couldn't identify the white swollen cloth-like things floating in the water, until I picked one up and realized it was a wafer cookie, the package long gone. All of the refrigerators were floating, tipped up on their sides. 

When I got to the apartments, half of the furniture was already out on the lawn, and when I got down into the rooms, I realized it all had to have been floating. There was some good natured teasing...people still smiling. "It's my first natural disaster!" Eden laughed, while covered in mud, throwing a bucket of water over the edge of the wall. A boy who put a plastic rat on one of the refrigerators, and then watched while we all freaked out. Someone brought garbage bags, and we would just pick up whatever we could, setting the full bags outside the windows. One apartment where we thought we were done, but then I opened a door and discovered another bathroom, another bedroom. The water had been standing still for hours, and the smell made me gag. So much trash floating in that room...the mattress was blocking the bedroom, and the closed door had kept all the trash from floating out. 

Going through room by room, apartment after apartment, felt so strange--the water made them all look the same, but every square foot held some unknown underneath the surface. We started to warn each other of where nails were sticking up from the carpet, where the ground was unsteady. I kept slipping on linoleum, not being able to see where it started. 

There aren't a lot of pictures of the damage, simply because no one wanted to drop their cameras in the water. But here's what I saw last night, where I was helping:

(You can see the waterline near the light switch.)

As much trash as possible had to be removed so that it wouldn't clog the pumps. The couches and mattresses had to be pulled out so that all the water could be drained from them. We got all of it done just as the light was fading. The electricity was all off, so a few people had headlamps to help with the last of it. 

When I got home, we all exchanged stories. Kristi, Anna, and Jeff all went to Millhollow Rd, where their old house is. Their basement was fine, although the window wells were filled with water. They had some neighbors who weren't so lucky, though. Jacob and I were worried about our storage unit, especially since a lot of valuable things were close to the sliding door (guitar amp, my mother's old sewing machine, a box of my journals from the last fifteen years). But the seal on the door was strong enough that everything was perfectly dry! Whew. 

I had Laura take a picture of me when I got home, before I cleaned up. You can't quite tell in the picture, but my shorts are completely soaked through. 

Here's the other slightly worrisome thing that happened. I got in the tub and glanced down and thought, "Why is the water all reddish?" Then I noticed the enormous gash on my ankle.

It was bleeding a lot, and I had no idea when or how or where I'd gotten it. I was practically numb from the knees down by the time I finished at Baronessa, so I probably didn't even register it when it happened. I was worried because I'd been walking in muddy, possibly contaminated water for the last few hours, which is no good with a gaping wound. Laura and Anna helped me clean up, and when the dried blood was cleaned off and when the bleeding had slowed down, it really wasn't too bad of a cut. It was deep, but pretty clean. So I don't think it was from anything metal--all the metal I was working with was old and would have made a more jagged cut. There was one apartment where they told us to stay out of one room because of broken glass, so I think it might have been that. I disinfected and bandaged it up, and decided that if it looked bad in the morning, I'd go to the doctor. And as of this morning, it looks fine. It hurts when I forget about it and bump it or sit cross-legged, but its healing well. It's awkward to care for, since it's on the outside of my ankle, but in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing.

UPDATE: After being urged to do so by individuals and the healthcare community at large, I went and got a tetanus shot today. And now my arm hurts. But I am now less likely to die because of the flood. 

For the most part, Rexburg is doing pretty good. The floodwaters are almost all receded and campus buildings are completely cleaned up. As I type this, this is what the weather is like:

But there's still a lot of work that needs to be done. There are several families who lost everything.

UPDATE: Those wishing to make financial donations to help survivors of the flood recover, there is a fund set up HERE. 

There is also a Facebook page to coordinate recovery efforts. A lot of it is for meals and cleanup and housing, so it's mostly for the Rexburg area, but check it out to see if there's anything you can do to help! Click HERE.

During cleanup yesterday, I kept making the joke, "Everyone repent!" There were a lot of references to Noah's ark, too. Which makes this sight all the more meaningful...this was taken right before I drove into town yesterday:

"And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.
And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual generations:
I do set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth."
- Genesis 9: 11-13

The floods that happen nowadays don't have the power to destroy the WHOLE earth, and in times of flash floods, that's a nice thing to remember. So if this rainbow ain't perfect timing, I don't know what is.