Looking forward

(photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/dpetrus/)

I have a tendency to look backwards in time. To be fair, this is partly because the past has already been written. I can go back and look at old journal entries and photos and news stories and remember what happened. The future contains all these question marks. And if 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that there are more question marks than I ever thought. 

I do think there’s value in looking backwards now and then. You can remind yourself of things you learned, or see patterns you didn’t notice at the time. And I’m a sucker for nostalgia in general. 

But in this strange time of suspended animation, I find that looking into the past is a little bit painful sometimes. Much of my nostalgia is tinged with faint heartbreak nowadays. I don’t think it will always be that way, but when I find myself looking backwards, it’s with an ache of longing for things that are impossible right now. 

So I’ve decided to look forward to those “impossible” things instead. 

I may not be able to do many of these things for months, or even a year. But here’s what I’m looking forward to in the future. 

I’m looking forward to sitting in an IHOP with my laptop open, writing a blog or a poem or a script. I’ll order a second hot chocolate, and now and then I’ll notice the song that’s playing and smile. I’ll try to avoid getting syrup on my keyboard and will somehow fail, and it will be completely worth it. 

I’m looking forward to having friends over, and laying my head on someone’s shoulder and laying my legs over someone else’s lap. We’ll see each other’s entire faces, and we’ll bump into each other as we go to get another drink or snack from the kitchen. We’ll squeeze a hand or shoulder affectionately as we pass by one another, or mid-conversation. 

I’m looking forward to sitting in an airport, after hurriedly gathering my coat and shoes and laptop from the TSA bins that get re-stacked in that tense chaos. I’ll get a chocolate croissant and some fruit from Starbucks and then go sit by my gate with a book. On the plane, I’ll drink a ginger ale and do part of a crossword puzzle and then fall asleep, and be a little groggy and hungry when I land wherever I’m going. 

I’m looking forward to going to a movie theatre and paying way too much money for a giant bucket of popcorn and a gallon of soda. I’ll consume at least half of it during the 28 minutes of trailers before the movie starts. After the credits, I’ll walk into the parking lot and look up at the sky and the world will seem a little bright after the darkness of the theatre. 

I’m looking forward to standing in line for the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, avoiding the diamonds in the floor and hoping one of us gets to sit in the driver’s seat. I’m looking forward to the brackish smell of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, and churros and lemonade, and my feet being absurdly sore from walking around the parks all day. 

I’m looking forward to sleeping on friends’ couches. To driving a few hours to someone’s house, then talking late into the night, and then being woken up by friends’ children in the morning, wanting to play. 

I’m looking forward to visiting someplace I’ve never been to before. I’ll take the afternoon or evening and wander on my own, with no plan—just exploring whatever I come across. Maybe I’ll walk along a beach in the moonlight, or stumble upon a gallery or historical site, or people-watch at a park. 

I’m looking forward to going to concerts. To being packed into a huge stadium with a stressful amount of people and blissfully yelling lyrics along with whoever’s onstage, or packed into some small venue somewhere where the music is loud enough to make the cartilage in your nose vibrate. 

I’m looking forward to visiting family. To holding the people dear to me, and eating food together, and talking for an hour or two afterwards. I’ll try to be extra helpful with the chores, to make up for all my teenage years spent at rehearsal instead of sweeping the kitchen.   

I don’t think life will ever completely go back to “the way it was.” I kind of hope it doesn’t. I don’t see how it could. But I think all of these experiences that I’ve been thinking about—travel, time with loved ones, communal art—will all be a little sweeter after this time. 

I look forward to finding out. 

On Shakespeare

I did it. 

Two years ago, I made a goal that by my 35th birthday, I will have read, watched, or participated in all 37 of Shakespeare's plays.

I turn 35 tomorrow, and I finished the 37th play today.

I have some thoughts on Shakespeare in general to share, but first, a quick tour through the plays at a glance! (A handful of these have some disputed authorship, or shared authorship, but this list is the one that came up most often when I was researching the Shakespeare canon.)

Antony and Cleopatra
Read with some friends at the "Sigh Away Sundays" club in 2018
SUMMARY: Classic story of obsessive love, with a classic death by asp bite for our heroine.

Coriolanus
Watched the 2011 film
SUMMARY: OMG so much war, with one badass mama tries to convince her son to stop doing so much war.

Hamlet
Watched lots of films and productions, read lots of times
SUMMARY: Hamlet can't decide whether or not to kill his uncle (or himself?).

Julius Caesar
Read during undergrad at BYU-Idaho
SUMMARY: Ancient Greek story of ambition and betrayal.

King Lear
Read during undergrad at BYU-Idaho
SUMMARY: Which of the three daughters loves their father, the king? Who knows, he'll go mad.

Macbeth
Watched a handful of productions, played a Witch in a production at BYU-Idaho in 2009
SUMMARY: Witches and ambition and battles and Scotland!

Othello
Read in high school, played Bianca in a production in Salt Lake City in 2018
SUMMARY: Racism and rumors cause PROBLEMS.

Romeo and Juliet
Read lots and lots, seen a few productions
SUMMARY: Young teenagers from feuding families fall "in love" and everything goes terribly.

Timon of Athens
Watched the 2017 Stratford Festival production online
SUMMARY: Money can't buy you friendship.

Titus Andronicus
Watched the 2017 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: Romans (and Goths) are bloody and cut off hands and heads in revenge.

All's Well That Ends Well
Watched the 2013 Shakespeare By The Sea production
SUMMARY: The ole bedroom bait-and-switch will cure marital displeasure.

As You Like It
Watched the 2017 Shakespeare's Globe production online
SUMMARY: Rosalind dresses as a boy and falls in love with Orlando the poet in the forest.

Comedy of Errors
Played a servant in a production at BYU-Idaho in 2004
SUMMARY: Twins cause hilarity and chaos.

Cymbeline
Watched the 2016 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: War, mistaken identities, wagers on virtue.

Love's Labour's Lost
Watched the 2014 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: Studying is more important than women. Right? RIGHT?!

Measure for Measure
Read during undergrad at BYU-Idaho
SUMMARY: Corruption vs purity, morality and mercy in Venice! Starring Angelo the creepy lecherous priest!

Merry Wives of Windsor
Watched the RSC 2018 production online
SUMMARY: Falstaff tries to seduce two different women, but together they outsmart him multiple times.

Merchant of Venice
Read during undergrad at BYU-Idaho
SUMMARY: Antonio owes Shylock a pound of flesh.

Midsummer Night's Dream
Played Mustardseed in a production at South Medford High School, watched
SUMMARY: Fairies and lovers and actors in the woods!

Much Ado about Nothing
Watched the film in high school
SUMMARY: Benedick and Beatrice are secretly IN LOVE, and rumors both cause problems and solve them.

Winter's Tale
Watched the Shakespeare By The Sea 2018 production
SUMMARY: A king freaks out over the virtue of his wife, and Hermione is a living statue.

Two Gentlemen of Verona
Watched the 2014 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: Male friendship rivalry in romantic Italy.

Twelfth Night
Watched the 1996 film
SUMMARY: Twins cause romance and hilarity.

Troilus and Cressida
Watched the 2018 Royal Shakespeare Company production online (post-apocalyptic!)
SUMMARY: Greeks and Trojans (Helen and Achilles and all them) freak out about war and lechery.

The Tempest
Watched a production in high school, played Caliban and designed sound for a children's production at BYU-Idaho, played Gonzalo in a production at BYU-Idaho
SUMMARY: Prospero is magical and rules an island. His former betrayers show up and things happen.

Taming of the Shrew
Watched multiple productions and films
SUMMARY: Petruchio "tames" the headstrong Kate and marries her so that her younger sister can get married.

Pericles
Watched the 1984 BBC film
SUMMARY: Pericles guesses a riddle about incest and then goes on a lot of adventures that involve shipwrecks.

Henry IV, Part I
Watched the 2014 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: Hal is Prince of Wales but mostly wants to hang with Falstaff.

Henry IV, Part II
Watched the 2014 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: More of Hal hanging with Falstaff, and more of Falstaff and his gang in general.

Henry V
Watched the 2014 Royal Shakespeare Company production online
SUMMARY: Hal is now officially royal and beats France in a battle on St Crispin's Day, even though the odds are against him.

Henry VI, Part I
Watched the 2013 Globe Theatre production, performed on the battlefield of Barnet in the rain
SUMMARY: Joan of Arc fights for France, and people wear red and white roses to show their varying allegiances.

Henry VI, Part II
Watched the 2013 Globe Theatre production, performed on the battlefield of Barnet
SUMMARY: Women and commoners all seek to take over.

Henry VI, Part III
Watched the 2013 Globe Theatre production, performed on the battlefield of Barnet
SUMMARY: Bloody revenge and we meet Richard III.

Henry VIII
Watched the 1979 BBC film adaptation.
SUMMARY: Everything was the corrupt Catholic Church's fault and Queen Elizabeth and her dad are actually awesome.

King John
Watched the 2015 Stratford Festival production online
SUMMARY: France vs. England, starring a witty bastard

Richard II
Watched the 2013 Royal Shakespeare Company production online (starring David Tennant as Richard)
SUMMARY: Spending money on Irish wars leads to the rebellion of nobles, especially when they think the king is weak.

Richard III
Watched the 1995 film
SUMMARY: Tyrant with back problems.

BONUS: Two Noble Kinsmen
Watched a production by Grassroots Shakespeare Company in Salt Lake City, 2018
SUMMARY: Brothers in jail fall in love with the same woman.

And here’s what I’ve learned:


Shakespeare is AMAZING.

I know that his talent as a writer gets talked about so much that it’s a cliché, but really, truly, his writing is incredible. The language, the wit, the character development. Dude could freaking WRITE. Gimme those dirty puns and those inspiring speeches and that quick banter and those rambling soliloquies. I am here for all of it. Shakespeare activates this part of my heart and soul and brain that nothing else can, and I don’t know how to describe it except to say that it’s bliss and satisfaction and delight.

I am a big fan of the Royal Shakespeare Company

I watched a good portion of these plays on DigitalTheatre.com, where the Royal Shakespeare Company has made recordings available for a small fee. And it was WORTH it. I watched a few other productions online, from Shakespeare By The Sea and The Stratford Festival and The Globe and the BBC, but by far, my favorite productions were always the RSC’s. The costumes and lights and sets and ACTING and concepts and just all of it. (The exception was the ending of the RSC’s Love’s Labors Lost, which I thought was not well justified or developed.)

There are some common themes in Shakespeare’s plays

I think because I was consuming Shakespeare so frequently, especially during the last year or so, I began to see come common themes. The most notable of which is this: When men freak out about the “chastity” of the women they love because they listen only to other men about it, all hell breaks loose. In fact it’s a major plot point in at least 7 of Shakespeare’s plays: Othello, Cymbeline, The Merry Wives of Windsor, Much Ado About Nothing*, The Winter’s Tale, Two Gentlemen of Verona, and Troilus and Cressida.

I know that misunderstandings about sex are good for high-stakes theatre, both comedic and dramatic, and it’s something that would resonate with Elizabethan audiences. But I also like to think that Shakespeare was trying to tell us something.

Other notable themes include gender-f*ckery/queerness, the dangers of ambition, duality/opposites, appearances vs. reality, and revenge.

The histories are actually pretty awesome

I’ve always struggled getting into the histories. I haven’t even really tried that hard because I was like “royalty is boring” but it turns out I was mostly wrong. I am especially a huge fan of the Henry V story (Henry IV, Part 1; Henry IV, Part 2; and Henry V). The RSC produced all three plays with the same cast and concept, and I fell in love with our boy Harry and Falstaff is delightful, and that St Crispin’s Day speech really did make me cry.

I could spend the rest of my life studying, reading, watching, performing, and talking about Shakespeare and still make new discoveries

That’s part of why Shakespeare has lasted so long. His texts are so rich with meaning and so layered, and there are so many possible interpretations of his work and I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.



I’m almost tempted to re-do this entire challenge every ten years or so. In the meantime,

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended—
That you have but slumbered here
While these visions did appear.

(exits, pursued by a bear)









* The word “nothing” in the title of “Much Ado About Nothing” has a triple meaning. 1. Regular definition, AKA absence of something. 2. The word “nothing” has an Elizabethan pronunciation of “noting,” as in “noticing.” 3. IT’S ALSO A SLANG EUPHEMISM FOR VAGINA. This play is literally called “A Whole Lot of Freaking Out Over Rumors/Noticing/Pussy.”

Last night I dreamed that I was dreaming of you...

DREAM JOURNAL, EXCERPTS

Unknown Date
On a cruise ship with elaborate antique rooms. Kept hanging out with Shaun S, which upset Amy Schumer who was there and had a crush on him. Rescued Beckah W.

Unknown Date
We were performing “The Nerd,” but apparently just the highlights—the technical crew needed to end the show early because they had to go to a D&D supply store before it closed. So we just rushed through the scenes, sort of making up transitions, and then it became just weirdly improv-ed scenes that didn’t have anything to do with “The Nerd,” and then it was just a short-form improv show, with Andy K MC-ing from the booth. And it was kind of a bummer because Camilla M came all the way from England to see the show, and it was THAT SHOW that she saw.

December 11, 2017
Dreamed that I fell asleep at work and slept until almost 4, which meant I was late to meet Adele to help with the babies. On my way there I got distracted by a house made out of a giant pumpkin. It was an INCREDIBLE pumpkin house. I had no sense of what time it was.

February 22, 2018
I dreamed that Kacey S added an interpretive zombie dance number to the beginning of “Angels in America” (to symbolize...AIDS...?) and audience response was very poor but I couldn’t figure out how to tell him I thought we should cut it.

February 27, 2018
I was driving somewhere with Jacob C while the moon rose ENORMOUS over in the east. I kept trying to get him to look over at it, but he was too focused on driving. We arrived at a house where a bunch of friends lived together, mostly hiding under blankets. Noah K came over to show us the page of candy buttons he had made as a gift for his friend, the local homeless man. The candy looked like ibuprofen, but we told him it was a very thoughtful gift. A little while later, someone said something to me that I needed to write down, so I scribbled it onto the nearest thing, doodling a little bit as I talked to this person. I suddenly realized with horror that I had drawn all over Noah’s gift, and couldn’t figure out how to tell him that I accidentally ruined it. But it turned out that the homeless man had found and befriended a bear, so he didn’t need a gift to be happy.

February 28, 2018
I had my mom “cover my shift” at work so that I could go to a fancy restaurant for a casting call. After making prolonged eye contact, Robert Downey Jr selected me to play an improv game as part of the audition he was running for his sequel to “The Greatest Showman.” He didn’t give us much instruction, but I soon realized we were playing “Press Conference.” The game went well, and then I dashed off to meet my mom. It turned out that I hadn’t given HER much instruction, so she had stayed at the building until 9 pm, and didn’t lock up or set the alarm. I decided to try and get there ASAP to make sure everything was secure, but someone was borrowing my car, and my scooter was out of gas. So I had to wait until the next morning, and just hoped no one robbed the place. But when I got there, I walked in to find an elderly man sitting at my desk with a gun pointed at me, who said, “No funny business” and then gave me really confusing instructions about what he wanted me to do with the company’s money.

March 31, 2018
Daniel Radcliffe was attending BYU-Idaho, where he got free tuition because he had designed one of the buildings. But he kept tracking mud everywhere on campus, and girls were constantly slipping in it, much to his embarrassment.

April 19, 2018
Dreamed that I woke up to discover 800 unsolicited dick pics from Aaron Woodall.

May 23, 2018
Spent a long time trying to figure out how to work the old metal mechanical lawn mower at the Chapman’s farmhouse in Rexburg, before remembering that they have a riding lawnmower.

September 14, 2018
Helped An Other Theater Company host an “educational matinee” where we invited school kids to the theatre for a performance of The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time. They all kept talking and coming in to the space before house opened, and when house did open, they kept talking, trying to move seats, and generally being disruptive. This finally culminated in the adults stopping the show at a climactic moment in the first scene, not to discipline the kids, but to complain to us that the theatre was too cold.

October 11, 2018
Had that nightmare where you realize that there's a class you've been enrolled in all semester that you haven't been attending, except this time I was supposed to be TEACHING the class, and I started to concoct an elaborate reason for my absences, which included (but was not limited to) the kidnapping of my sister.

image credit: 

unknown but it's awesome, even though it's visually more serious and mysterious than the contents of this blog entry are

Multiple Mountains, or "Having It All"

I want to publish a novel.
I want to work in education.
I want to finish my MFA in Writing.
I want to get an MFA in Theatre.
I want to act.
I want to direct.
I want to have and raise children.
I want to travel.

And I want it all now.

First of all, I should acknowledge how awesome it is that I live in a time and place that all of these things are even available to me. For so many centuries, these things wouldn't have been possibilities for a woman. And so many of them still aren't, for so many people. So it would be obnoxious for me to not acknowledge the incredible levels of privilege I have. I'm a white, lower middle-class, college-educated woman living in the United States. So much is within my reach.

My problem is that I want to reach for all of it RIGHT NOW.

Jacob and I are in an interesting time in our lives. Jacob's waiting to hear from one more grad school before making a decision. I'm in the process of getting my MFA online. I'm getting acting work fairly consistently. We've got enough income to cover our bills, and we have some to spare most of the time. We're leaving our twenties behind and entering into our thirties. Many of our friends are still unmarried undergrads, and many others have 3 or more children and are well into their careers. We've been married for almost 6 years, but we know that it's not quite the right time for us to have kids. (Even though I'm keenly aware of the expiration date on my ovaries, and it stresses me the hell out. I'm trusting our timing, though.)

A while ago, I wrote a blog entry about Neil Gaiman's philosophy of always "moving towards your mountain"--making sure that everything you do is helping you move towards what you ultimately want to be doing with your life. And I still believe in that philosophy.

My problem is that I have, like, 8 mountains. And there are times in my life when I'm feeling pulled towards all of them at once. Which ultimately leaves me feeling a little paralyzed, since I inevitably sometimes have to move away from one mountain in order to move towards another. Sometimes they're not lined up neatly.

All of this is on my mind because of A) Jacob's grad school possibilities, and B) I have a possible job opportunity that would move me towards the education mountain, but away from some of my other mountains. And the education mountain is like, 90% ideal, with the possibility of becoming 93% ideal in the future, but it's not 100% ideal, and that's giving me pause, especially if it means moving away from other mountains. AND I'll still be pursuing the MFA in Writing mountain and the Acting mountain, too, and I'm a little uncertain about my stamina.

But I want all the mountains!

I decided a few years ago to remember that I can live my life on my terms...that I shouldn't ever blame my circumstances when I'm not getting what I want out of my life. There are times when you've got to make sacrifices, or put one dream on hold in order to pursue another. I'm just trying to decide whether or not to do that, and writing it out helps me make decisions. Especially when those decisions have deadlines. So here we are. Sitting in the Orem Public Library before rehearsal, blogging about life decisions and waiting to see if anything feels more solid as I type.

Confession: At the end of this blog entry, I'm not any nearer to making a decision. But I do feel a little bit less overwhelmed about it all. I feel like my vision is a little clearer, and I have a little more confidence in my ability to make my decision.

Thanks for coming along for the ride, I guess. I'm glad you've stuck around. I'll keep you posted on which mountain(s) I'll be focusing on.



photos by Steven Taschuk, Kamil Porembiński, Alper Çuğun, E M, Drregor, gwenole camus, Arild Storaas, Thangaraj Kumaravel, Henry Hemming. VIA Flickr

I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you

It’s Tuesday, and Beau Jest has been closed for three days. I gave myself Sunday and Monday to mourn, and today is the day I’ve given myself to officially say goodbye to the show. I’ll be ready to move on after today.

Monday was difficult. I knew exactly where my phone and keys were at all times, and it was the worst. When I said or did something funny, the room was mostly silent, and I felt the absence of 600 people’s joy. There was a thrill that was missing from every moment. I stayed in bed until noon.

I think the thing that will stand out in my memories of this show is the playfulness that infused us. We exchanged stories at the cast party. “We didn’t really have many things go wrong,” the THS cast said. I looked at Bryan. “I think we had something happen every single night,” I replied. Bryan breaking the remote, over and over again, and the final night that he caught it mid-air, and stood looking in astonishment at it in his hand. (“I’m sorry…I’m just really impressed that I caught that.” The audience applauded his sportsmanship while I smiled at him, open-mouthed in amazement.) The night Ben and Bryan missed their high five, TWICE, and I sat at the desk and laughed, trying to hide my face. The beautiful, beautiful night when the door-frame broke, and Ben embracing the comedy of it so perfectly, and Betsy and I standing hand in hand, trying to get it together enough to say our lines. I brushed up against that column of light every single night.

After months of rehearsing and performing, the set became comfortable in the way your own apartment does. I will miss the blue couch, it’s velvet brightness and the way I felt comfortable and safe in it. I’d lay on it in Act Two, facing the ceiling and hearing Joel psychoanalyzing, and sit up blinded from the stage lights to look at Bob and say out loud that I wanted to be with him. The yellow ottoman, with its one faint black stain on the side, became “my spot” during rehearsal. At the end of each performance, I could barely stay balanced as I turned and bowed while standing on it. My feet have memorized the distance between the phone and the desk, the couch and the bedroom door, the sideboard and the table.

“Take My Breath Away” and “Don’t You Forget About Me” will forever be Beau Jest songs. And “Careless Whisper.” Always “Careless Whisper.” On closing weekend, Jacob was in New York, and he told me later that he walked out of his hotel to a man playing the saxophone on the street, wailing “Careless Whisper” with all of the enthusiasm of Chris in his turtleneck. He gave him $5, because “he f***ing earned it, man.” I like to think that at the exact same moment, the song was playing in the Hale Centre Theatre in West Valley, Utah…a cosmic connection. At the end of intermission, Bryan and I would stand backstage, ready to walk out in the black out, dancing to the Post-Modern Jukebox cover. Some nights Bryan would make up wildly inappropriate lyrics of his own. I would laugh while trying to get the left-over challah out of my teeth, knowing we were about to kiss a half a dozen times and not wanting to have bread in my teeth for it.

I was so nervous about the stage kisses before rehearsals started. But I’ve been baptized by all kinds of fire, and feel more capable as an actress having added the experience to my resume. I spent most of my life believing I wasn’t pretty enough to ever be a “leading lady.” I've come to see my own beauty over the years, but I've never thought of it as "leading lady beauty," and I spent the first few weeks of Beau Jest rehearsals believing that I was cast because I was funny, and that they just chose to live without the pretty. It was astonishing to realize, slowly and gradually, that others saw the pretty, too. I have never felt more beautiful during a show than I did during Beau Jest.

The dressing rooms were emptier during this show than “Oklahoma,” but it didn’t feel that way. Betsy and I would exchange stories while music rang out from my phone, and Ben and Bryan would come stand in the doorway, chatting while we got into makeup. Jerry would join long enough to make a “dad joke,” and Todd would poke his head in to say hello.

I think of everyone’s eyes, the way I learned to read them over the weeks. Their kindness as they asked about my dad, the warmth of their arms around me, the smooth tenderness of their hands as we stood in a close circle every night before the show. I remember the night of the Paris attacks, believing that laughter is the best way to fight terror. I remember nights when my ears and toes were icy with cold, while some of us stood in the parking lot under the stars, talking while the freezing air gathered in clouds around us. I started calling these times “Parking Lot Talks,” and I will miss them as much as I will miss standing in Sarah Goldman’s living room, trying to let her be brave enough to tell the truth.

On that last Saturday, I lingered at the theatre for hours, not wanting to go home, not wanting it to end. We all kept saying, “Let’s do another show together soon,” and I nodded. “Yes please!” I kept replying. I felt the question mark of the next few months loom over me for the first few days after leaving the theatre. But it’s faded into an exclamation point, my heart bursting with gratitude. That last night, as I teetered on the ottoman and bowing my head to 600 people, I thought suddenly, “I can’t believe I got to do this. Someone saw that I could do this.” And it was both a sensation of melting into disbelief, and flying straight upwards in celebration. It was the perfect gift, that moment. This show.

What I've Learned About Acting in Salt Lake City, Part 3: The TV & Film Scene

Welcome! This is Part 3 of a 3-part series! Part 1: Getting Serious, Part 2: The Theatre Scene, and Part 3: The Television & Film Scene. 

DISCLAIMER: I'm still fairly new here! My info is limited to my own experience. There are plenty of other actors out there who will have different advice and different insights. I am not any kind of resident expert--just sharing what I know.* So ask around--lots of other folks ARE resident experts. 

I've been doing theatre for a long time, but when we first moved to Utah, I was pretty new to the screen. I still feel like I am. But here's some of the info I've found helpful on my journey.

1. Get with a good agency. 
This is the best way to get great auditions. Most major films and television shows DON'T have open auditions--they just don't have time to weed through everyone. So they'll contact the local agencies and run auditions through them. I'm with McCarty, and I love them. They're one of the two big agencies in the area--the other is TMG (Talent Management Group). They're about even as far as how good they are, but TMG is a little harder to get into. If you know someone with them, or have a ton of IMDB credits, that will help you. But I'd suggest keeping an eye on McCarty's website for open auditions (that's what I did), or stop by with a copy of your headshot and resume. Both McCarty and TMG represent both actors and models.
BEWARE ANY AGENCY THAT ASKS FOR MONEY UP FRONT. Reputable agencies in this area will take a fee from your paycheck anytime they get you work, but they won't require certain classes or headshot sessions or initiation fees. They may recommend or ask that your headshots are of a certain quality, but  (For example, do NOT join Urban Talent Management. They have scammed a handful of people I know, and you'll take five steps backwards in your career.)
Most of your auditions through an agency will be with Jeff Johnson. He runs a casting studio in downtown Salt Lake, along with Robert Andrus, who usually does most of the readings. They are both awesome guys.

2. Become eligible for SAG-AFTRA (Screen Actors Guild), but don't join. 
This may be different for every situation, but if you're living and working in Utah, this is the way to go. You become SAG eligible by playing a lead role in a SAG film. Then you can put "SAG Eligible" on your resume, which makes you sound a little more legit. But Utah is a "right to work state," which means that non-SAG actors can still work on SAG projects and get paid SAG rates. But if you do decide to join SAG, it may disqualify you for other work, because you HAVE to be paid SAG rates.

3. Build your IMDB credits. 
This is becoming more and more of an important "resume." It's easily accessible to everyone in the industry (they don't have to know your personal website URL to get info about you). You can put your demo reel and your agency contact info on your page. And you can't fake any credits on IMDB. In order to gain control of your IMDB page, you've got to create an IMDB Pro account, which runs $150 per year, or $20 per month. Your IMDB page will be created automatically if you get cast in something that the film creator puts on IMDB, or you can create your own page and add your own credits. You have to submit your acting credits, and they have to be approved. You can check out my page here.

4. Create a demo reel
This can be tough if you haven't done much film. BUT, you can use what you have to your advantage. Don't have anything? Then create your own stuff! Find a few scenes or monologues, and film them. There are a handful of folks in the SLC/Provo area who will help you create a demo reel for a small fee, or you can do it yourself on iMovie or a similar program. Just make it look as professional as possible--this is a casting director's big chance to see your work! Check out my short reel here.

5. Keep your resume simple
Include relevant information, but make it easy to read. Film folks are trying to do a lot of work in a short amount of time, and keeping your resume to-the-point is the best way to show that you're a professional. You can check out my screen resume here.

6. Do background work! 
Seriously. Being an extra is one of the best ways to get into the business. First, I do have to clarify, that it is EXTREMELY RARE for anyone to be "discovered" by doing extra work. I can almost 100% guarantee that it will not happen. BUT, there are a few other important reasons to do background work.
- It's a source of income! Standard background pay is $101.50. Not bad, eh?
- It connects you to other industry professionals, whether that be directors, makeup people, production assistants, or other actors. It's helpful to make friends in this business.
- It builds your resume! Even if you don't have a speaking part, you can still credit yourself on IMDB and include it on your resume. You can give yourself a "name"--not a specific one, but one that just explains what your role was (bar room patron, nurse, airport patron, party attendee, etc) (NOTE: I'VE HEARD A LOT OF DEBATE IN THE INDUSTRY ABOUT WHETHER YOU SHOULD INCLUDE BACKGROUND WORK ON YOUR RESUME. Some say yes, others say no. The answer for you may depend on what kind of work you're looking for. Some have also suggested that you can put it on your resume if you don't have ANYTHING else, but to take it off as soon as you build some other credits. Ask around and see what others have to say.
- Most importantly, it's the best way to learn how film works in a low-pressure environment. In film, time is money, and there's a specific way of doing things, and there's all this jargon, and if you've never done film before, it can be a little overwhelming. And if your first time on set is doing a speaking role, it's...intense. So do background work, so you can learn all the little details about how a film or television show is made.

7. Use the internet!
There are a couple of sources outside of my agency that I check in order to find work (especially background work).
- Utah Actors NING (background, speaking roles, non-speaking roles, paid, unpaid, etc)
- G&G Casting (they do a TON of background stuff)
- Yun Casting (lots of background stuff as well)
- Facebook Group: Utah Filmmakers and Actors (great place to start for all kinds of projects...Gumby of G&G Casting often posts for projects here)...this is a closed group, but just request to join, and it's pretty easy to get in
- Facebook Group: Utah Film Gigs (same)
- There's also Backstage Utah, which I never use, but it's another resource to look into


Maybe sometime, I'll go into some of the things I've learned regarding screen work, but in the meantime...

HAPPY AUDITIONING! 

Have anything else you'd like to add? Give us your tips and insider info in the comments!

* Like, seriously. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to be giving others advice. But others helped me on my journey, so I want to pay that forward. 

What I've Learned About Acting in Salt Lake City, Part 2: The Theatre Scene

Welcome! This is Part 2 of a 3-part series! Part 1: Getting Serious, Part 2: The Theatre Scene, and Part 3: The Television & Film Scene. 

DISCLAIMER: I'm still fairly new here! My info is limited to my own experience. There are plenty of other actors out there who will have different advice and different insights. I am not any kind of resident expert--just sharing what I know.* So ask around--lots of other folks ARE resident experts. 


Here's the big pro: There are TONS of theaters out here! Mormons love the arts, and there are dozens of community theaters and a hearty handful of professional theaters.

Here's the big con: There may be tons of theaters out here, but everyone who works at them knows each other. It's one big incestuous theatre family. BYU has a huge musical theatre program and a huge acting program, and UVU's theatre department is INCREDIBLE. And the teachers from those programs also direct at several of the theaters. And most of the directors direct at multiple theatres. So it can be kinda tough to "break in" as a new face. (I seriously just got lucky with "Damn Yankees.") Persistence will be necessary.

And here's something that's either a pro or a con, depending on you: There's a BIG emphasis on musicals. There definitely is interesting, push-the-envelope, amazing theatre going on, but it's generally a little smaller, and doesn't always pay quite as well. So get comfy with musical theatre. (And you may be able to sing, and you may be able to dance, but the people at auditions with you have been doing both, with professional teachers, for 15-30 hours per week, for YEARS. So either get hella good, or get hella good at selling whatever you've got.)

So here's what I'd recommend:

1. Build your audition repertoire. Buy a binder and fill it with sheet music of songs you know, and make 16-32 bar cuttings of them. Bring it to auditions. Have a handful of monologues memorized or handy (30 seconds - 1 minute, both comedic and dramatic.) Practice often. Build variety. Know your strengths and play to them.

2. Get audition coaching. Starting with my "Oklahoma" audition, I've been going to Audition Advantage in Bountiful, and IT'S SO AWESOME. Erin, Jean (spelling? Sorry!), and Anne are all amazing. They can help you find a song, give you inside info about the production team and what they'll be looking for, coach you on the acting and singing, help you cut your music, help you pick an outfit, RECORD A REHEARSAL TRACK. I love it. No matter how good you are, it's always helpful to have fresh eyes. When I went there with my audition song for "Oklahoma," I was thinking I don't know what else these ladies can do for me. But Erin helped me break down the song and fill in the gaps, and I don't think I would have been called back without her guidance. It runs about $60/hour, but they'll also pro-rate that if you take less time. More info here.

Three frequently asked questions:

1. How do you format your resume?
For a long time, I approached that question like a graphic designer, and made GORGEOUS resumes. But in the acting world, straight-forward is actually best. Times New Roman, Helvetica, or similarly familiar font, no big graphics or flashy colors. You can see my current resume here. Print out a dozen copies, 8x10, ready to go so you don't have to worry about it on your next audition.

2. Should you join Equity? 
That's up to you. There are pros and cons, and it takes some research, but for most people, the answer is "no." Not unless you are living in New York and acting full-time. Because there just aren't enough Equity theatres in Salt Lake, and if you're Equity, you can't always work at non-Equity theatres. Joining a union always includes this dichotomy: You'll get less work, but it will probably be better paid work.

3. How do you find out about auditions? 
Most theaters will post their audition info online. You can also follow a handful of Facebook Pages to see audition notices (Audition Advantage is a big one, along with Theatre People of Utah Valley.)


Finally, here's a little info on some of the big theaters around here. (There are SO MANY theatres, you guys. I'm just listing the ones I've heard the most about or worked with personally.) Each of them hold regular auditions...the best thing is to keep checking back on their websites (some also have an email list that will notify you of upcoming auditions). If you're OCD like me, you can even make an organized list of these auditions.

Pioneer Theatre
Salt Lake City
Professional LORT venue. They hold auditions in New York and Salt Lake. They rehearse during the day for 2-3 weeks and shows run for about 4 weeks. Paid (equity rates). Audition info here.

Hale Centre Theatre
West Valley (close to Salt Lake)
Hub of musical theatre and comedies! (Think family-style theatre.) Very professional--take good care of their cast and crew. Shows are almost always double-cast. Rehearse for 6-8 weeks in the evenings, shows run 4-8 weeks. Paid ($15 per rehearsal, $25-$65 per show). Audition info here.

Hale Center Theatre Orem
Orem (close to Provo)
The smaller, more intimate cousin of the Hale in West Valley. Same details as above, but pay is a little lower ($15-35 per show). Audition info here (click on the side link that says "Auditions).

Egyptian Theatre
Park City (about 40 minutes east of Salt Lake)
Serves as both a venue for concerts, stand up, recitals, and films, and occasionally produces shows. Rehearsals and run times vary. Occasionally paid. Audition info here.

Grassroots Shakespeare Company
Orem (close to Provo)
Founded and run by a few college-aged enthusiasts, they take an awesome sort of "punk" approach to Shakespeare. Or an "Elizabethean" approach, depending on how you look at it. Just like in Shakespearean times, actors rehearse very little, bring their own costumes and props, and perform in an outdoor space. A few of their past productions include a production of "Titus Andronicus" with a "splatter zone" audience area, and a production of "The Little Mermaid," told through verses of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets. Minimal rehearsal, shows run 3-6 weeks, with occasional exceptions. Also produces 3 plays as part of its touring company. Unpaid. Audition info here.

Salt Lake Acting Company (SLAC)
Salt Lake City
Home of some of Utah's "edgier" theatre. They do everything from musicals to comedies to dramas, as well as develop new plays. They also do a yearly show called "Saturday's Voyeur" (har har), which is an irreverent satire of current events, focusing on local culture. Rehearsals vary. Shows run 4-6 weeks. Often paid, but rates vary, and sometimes unpaid. Audition info here.

Utah Repertory Theatre
Salt Lake City
A tamer cousin of SLAC. They also produce musicals and straight plays. They provide detailed content advisories for their shows, but will still do theatre that wouldn't work at places like the Hales. Rehearsal schedules vary, but generally evenings for about 6 weeks. Shows run 2-3 weeks. Occasionally paid (rates vary, usually not more than a few hundred dollars). Audition info here.

Centerpoint Legacy Theatre
Centerville (about 30 minutes north of Salt Lake City)
Big fancy theatre that does lots of professional shows. Their season usually features similar fare to the Hales (family-oriented musicals and comedies). Rehearses in the evenings for 6-8 weeks, shows run 4-6 weeks. Unpaid. Audition info here.

Scera 
Orem (close to Provo)
This venue is both a movie theatre and a live theatre. They have both an indoor space and an outdoor space. They have a big focus on education, so they do a lot of theatre for young audiences. Generally rehearses in the evenings. Shows run 2-6 weeks. Unpaid. Audition info here.

Utah Shakespeare Festival
Cedar City (about 3 1/2 hours south of Salt Lake City)
Summer-stock theatre, repertory style. Auditions are held in late summer/early fall for the next year's season. Full-time summer work. Paid. Audition info here.

The Grand Theatre
Salt Lake City
Focuses on musicals. Rehearsals run evenings, about 6 weeks. Shows run 3-4 weeks. Paid. Audition info here.

Desert Star Playhouse
Murray (10 minutes south of Salt Lake City)
Dinner theatre that does locally-focused parodies of well-known works (stuff with titles like "Star Wards" and "Murder on the Frontrunner Express"). Open auditions are held seasonally. Shows are usually double-cast and run for about 3 months. Paid. Audition info here.

PYGmalion Theatre Company
Salt Lake City
Theatre focused on women and women's stories! They put a big focus on original works, but also do well-known plays as well. Shows are usually cast for the entire season during one audition process. Paid (around $1000). Audition info here.

The Echo Theatre
Provo
Small community theatre--actors usually assist with costuming, set construction, etc. A great place to work and create collaboratively. Rehearsals run in the evenings, usually about 6 weeks, and shows run 3-6 nights a week for about 2-4 weeks. Also runs short play festivals. Unpaid. Audition info here.

HAPPY AUDITIONING! 

Have anything else you'd like to add? Give us your tips and insider info in the comments!

* Like, seriously. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to be giving others advice. But others helped me on my journey, so I want to pay that forward. 

What I've Learned About Acting in Salt Lake City, Part 1: Getting Serious

Welcome! This is Part 1 of a 3-part series! Part 1: Getting Serious, Part 2: The Theatre Scene, and Part 3: The Television & Film Scene. 

DISCLAIMER: I'm still fairly new here! My info is limited to my own experience. There are plenty of other actors out there who will have different advice and different insights. I am not any kind of resident expert--just sharing what I know.* So ask around--lots of other folks ARE resident experts. 

Jacob and I have been here in the Salt Lake City area for a little over a year now, and I've been thinking lately about how much I've learned as an actor. Not just when it comes to the actual craft of acting, but how to make it your career. So I thought I'd share with you a few of the things I've learned!

First of all, why move to Salt Lake City, Utah to pursue a career in ACTING? A few reasons:

1. It's pretty here. (Hiking! Mountains! Trees! Nature!)
2. The cost of living is pretty darn affordable. Rent for a 1-bedroom apartment runs in the $400-$800 range, depending on your neighborhood.
3. Lots of films and television shows get made here, because filmmakers get a BIG tax break from the state.
4. It's a great "training ground" if you'd like to move to Chicago, LA, or NYC someday. If you do choose to move to those places, you'll be competing with people who have IMDB credits and regional theaters on their resumes. If you DON'T have those things, SLC is a great place to gain them.
5. Most projects are non-union, so if you're not Equity or SAG, you can still find lots of work.

Do I have you convinced? Okay, here's what I've learned!

Okay, here are a few things that people have told me, or that I've learned on my own, to help you build a career in acting. I'm gonna focus specifically on theatre and screen in separate posts, so here are just some thoughts about acting in general.

1. Make an investment in your career. 
Be wise, and don't pay for things you can't afford. BUT, you should definitely expect to pay some money for good audition outfits, good makeup (for the ladies), and good headshots. Optional expenses include things like a pro membership on IMDB, a personal acting website, business cards and postcards, and lots more. Keep track of your expenses, though! Because if you make any money acting, you can write them off on your taxes.

2. Seriously. Get good headshots. 
This is so so so important. Like, this is what will get you in the door, and help people remember you. Here's what a headshot should be: It should focus on your face, and specifically on your eyes. Choose colors that flatter your skin and hair color, and stay away from black, white, and busy patterns. You should have two main headshots: one "commercial" (smiling, friendly) and one "theatrical" (serious "acting" headshot).

3. Remember that there are LOTS of factors that go into casting. 
Talent is a part of it, but it's only one small part. Other factors include look, type, voice, availability, compatibility, how much they'd have to pay you, pure instinct, what phase of the moon it is, the will of reptilian overlords, etc. It's impossible to know why casting decisions are made. And remember that success is a numbers game, as much as anything else. For every "yes," there will be at least ten "no's." So just keep auditioning. Sometimes it's pure statistics...the more you audition, the more likely it is that you'll be cast. Keep getting yourself out there, even if it feels like nothing is happening. (And when nothing is, remember the parable of "F you, Matt Damon.") So just give it the best you've got, and don't get too discouraged when you don't get something.

4. Actually, expect to be discouraged. 
Sometimes. Not all the time. But discouragement is almost inevitable. So is poverty. Especially when you start out. I think a lot of people start out by thinking that they won't experience discouragement and poverty like every other actor, but you probably will. That's okay. Join the ranks.

5. Keep an audition diary. 
It can be as detailed or as simple as you'd like it to be. This serves a couple of purposes. One, it will help you keep track of who you've auditioned for before, and if you've done any followup. Two, it will give you a chance to record thoughts and/or things you've learned. Finally, it actually offers a bit of encouragement to see what you've gotten, compared to what you haven't gotten. (Example linked here.)

6. Take a class.
Acting is a muscle, and if you're not working for a little while, taking a class is a great way to help you improve your work. It can also give you networking** opportunities, and help you build your audition repertoire. Sometimes another pair of eyes can see something about your work that you're not seeing, and can give you additional advice.

7. ASK for help, guidance, and advice.
When Jacob and I first made a plan to move to Utah, I sent messages out to everyone I knew who worked in acting in this area. I asked them every question I could think of, and their advice and guidance made my own career here possible. Sometimes we're afraid to ask for help, because we think it will make us look weak, or we're afraid to bother someone. But the reality is that people often respect those who ask for help, and they're often happy to provide their thoughts. It has always been 100% worth it to reach out to others in the field.

8. Learn to look your best.
*sigh* As much as I believe that our appearances aren't a measure of our talent or worth, they ARE a factor in casting and working. So ladies, learn to put on makeup that makes you look your best. Learn to put on fake eyelashes and take good care of your hair. Gentleman, learn how to style your hair and shave well. Everyone, learn what colors and lines flatter your shape, and wear clothes that make you look good. We all have insecurities, and that's okay--just don't dwell on them. Learn to play to your strengths.

9. Remember that your body is your most important tool. 
Treat it well. Learn to eat well, sleep well, exercise well. Don't fill your body with things that will harm it, like drugs or alcohol, or excessive sugar.

10. Decide whether you want to pursue paid or non-paid work. 
This is the big, ongoing debate in the world of the arts in general. Here's what I figure. You've worked hard to become a good actor, and you deserve to be paid for your work. But not everyone has the funds to pay you, nor the time/resources to find that funding. So you can decide for yourself on a case-by-case basis, or make a big decision and stick to it. For me, I focus on pursuing paid work. BUT, as I'm trying to build my resume and demo reel and IMDB credits, I'll sometimes take unpaid work if it will provide me with those things, or if it will give me a unique networking opportunity.

11. Don't ever forget your CRAFT. 
This is the most important thing. This is my deepest belief about acting as a career. In the midst of all of these businesslike tasks--"networking," getting headshots, taking classes, updating your resume, tracking your expenses--don't ever lose sight of your work AS AN ACTOR. Don't get into this for the fame. Get into this for the art. Take every opportunity to continue to improve and learn and grow. Challenge yourself. Connect with and listen to your fellow actors, on and offstage/screen. Your work as an actor must be about the human experience. If you don't know why you're doing this, that's okay. But try to find out. Think about and create your own philosophy of acting. Learn about techniques and systems, and find tools that work for you. Continually build your tool-box as an actor. Don't forget why you're doing this.

HAPPY AUDITIONING! 

Have anything else you'd like to add? Give us your tips and insider info in the comments!

* Like, seriously. Part of me feels like I don't have any right to be giving others advice. But others helped me on my journey, so I want to pay that forward. 

** I kind of hate that word "networking." It feels so cold and selfish and business-like. But I don't have a better word for it. Sometimes it's just that you want to take an opportunity to work with an artist you respect and admire. 

Reminder: Walk Towards Your Mountain

It's been a while since I did this, but I've given the ole blog a little bit of a re-vamp. Partly because I like designing things, and partly because it used to state on the sidebar that I was a secretary, and that's no longer true.

After I lost my job at Alianza, I experienced this beautiful outpouring of love and support and kindness. I felt like I was grieving the loss of a loved one, and unexpected friendships showed up to help seal the cracks that formed in me when the school closed its doors. And now that I've had some time to mourn, I've also had some time to decide what to do next.

And here's what I've decided. I'm financially set for a few months--until December or so. And when we moved here to Utah, we moved here to pursue acting.

So...*deep breath*...that's what I'll do.

Full-time.

I'll audition like crazy--for things I couldn't previously audition for, just because my day-job got in the way. I'll do background work where I can get it to keep paying the bills, and to keep learning from being on set.

And I'll write. I'll learn more about how to get paid for my writing, and maybe publish an article or two.

I don't know when in my life I'll have another chance like this. When my circumstances are simply handing me an opportunity to pursue my dreams full-time, with so little risk. If, come December, the money runs out, I'll have a chance to re-evaluate, and maybe find something else to help make ends meet. But I want to, in the words of Neil Gaiman, "move towards my mountain."

In his 2012 commencement speech, Neil Gaiman talked about this great idea. He says:

"Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be – an author, primarily of fiction, making good books, making good comics and supporting myself through my words – was a mountain. A distant mountain. My goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain. I said no to editorial jobs on magazines, proper jobs that would have paid proper money because I knew that, attractive though they were, for me they would have been walking away from the mountain. And if those job offers had come along earlier I might have taken them, because they still would have been closer to the mountain than I was at the time."

And I've got multiple mountains, I think...but I know that acting is one of them. Writing is another. So the other thing I'm doing, come January is...*deep breath*...going to grad school.

I found a great, 2-year, online MFA in writing program at Lindenwood University. So before I could talk myself out of it, I applied. And last week, I was accepted. I'm vaguely terrified about the commitment (in time, money, effort). I'm actually still not even sure I'll be able to pay for it. So part of me feels crazy even posting this--what if it doesn't work out?! What if I can't afford it?! IS THIS A HUGE MISTAKE?!?! But I'm giving myself permission to go for it. And if it turns out that it IS a mistake, I can take time off, or drop out, or whatever. But this degree will give me two things: 1) a chance to improve and grow as a writer, to the point where I can maybe make money writing on a more regular basis, and 2) give me the credentials I need if I wanted to teach at a university level. Which would be pretty awesome.

So, uh...here's to diving headfirst off cliffs, and to building wings on the way down.

photo via

Updated: Audition Diary

Damn Yankees, July 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
CAST.

Marriott commercial, August 2014 (G&G casting)
Called back, not cast.

Les Miserables, October 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Barefoot in the Park, November 2014 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Over the River and Through the Woods, February 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
Called back, not cast.

The Little Mermaid, February 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
Not cast.

USPS Industrial, February 2015 (Jeff Johnson Casting)
Not cast.

Being Charlie, March 2015 (Jeff Johnson Casting)
Not cast.

Into the Woods, April 2015 (Hale Theatre Orem)
Not cast.

Oklahoma!, May 2015 (Hale Theatre West Valley)
CAST.

I get to play Aunt Eller at the Hale Center Theatre. August 12 - October 3. Details and a ridiculous amount of excitement to follow.

Audition Diary, July 2014 - present

SHOW/PROJECT: Damn Yankees
DATE: July 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” from South Pacific
OUTCOME: Called back, single-cast as Sister!
THOUGHTS: Felt TERRIFIED in the audition, but was confident in my look. Also read/sang for Gloria at call-backs--didn’t feel great about that, but I went for it with confidence. Dance call-backs = CRAZY HARD. Learned that I either have to take dance classes, or make up in character what I lack in technique.

SHOW/PROJECT: Marriott commercial
DATE: August 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: G&G Casting
AUDITION PIECE: Dance combo taught at auditions
OUTCOME: Called back, not booked
THOUGHTS: Fun, and crazy! SOOOO many people! A good chance to put into practice the thing I learned from the Damn Yankees dance aud--if you can’t dance it, personality it! Although the dance was totally do-able and not hard. I did have a conflict, though (rehearsal) with shoot dates.

SHOW/PROJECT: Les Miserables
DATE: October 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Oom Pah Pah” from Oliver
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt overly confident in auditions, but realized later that I was pretty bad...vocally, performance-wise, etc. Was admittedly (and stupidly) jealous when another girl got Madame T, but in retrospect, she works harder and brings it to every audition and every role, on a level that I don’t. I want to catch up with her. Spent way too long having a pity-party until a friend called me out on it. A good lesson to learn.

SHOW/PROJECT: Barefoot in the Park
DATE: November 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from the show (provided), read for Corrie
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt pretty good about auditions, but knew I had a MAJOR conflict by being single-cast in Damn Yankees.

SHOW/PROJECT: Over the River and Through the Woods
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from show (provided), read for Caitlin
OUTCOME: Called back (one of 4 women! for 1 role which would be double-cast!), not booked
THOUGHTS: Felt really good about making strong choices in the initial audition, and felt VERY connected with my scene partner in auditions. Although maybe “too” connected...it’s supposed to be a blind date. Also had to do that stupid line “Did I actually just say that out loud?” It's a line that I find so cliche, so I dodged it with a different choice. Maybe not the one the director envisioned.

SHOW/PROJECT: The Little Mermaid
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: “Feed Me” from Little Shop of Horrors
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Decided on this audition at the last moment, and felt good about it for a few reasons.
Geoff (choreographer) waved at me with a grin when I walked in; also I approached this audition differently and less fearfully. Instead of “What do you want? Do you want me to be blonde? I can be blonde, what about height, I mean I’m a good height, but I can be meaner, do you want to see it again meaner?” I just thought, “I’m just going to do THIS piece really well.” And I feel like I did.
Also, afterwards, I felt aware of the fact that I wasn’t strictly following the music, which is something I should probably do in auditions, so they know I can.

SHOW/PROJECT: USPS In-house industrial
DATE: Feb 5, 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting, audition arranged through McCarty
AUDITION PIECE: no lines, moments from story-board
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Had fun! I still feel amatuer at this, but I’m just glad to be getting out there. Took everyone’s advice, and just was myself. I made the casting director laugh, so that was a boost, even if I don’t get cast.

SHOW/PROJECT: Being Charley - comedy film (dir. Rob Reiner!)
DATE: Wed, March 11
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting (through McCarty)
AUDITION PIECE: Sides (Cindy - hippy equine therapist)
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Not my best work, but not my worst either. They asked for two different options and I thought I gave them a decent contrast. Jeff Johnson himself was there and told me “Nice work,” and the casting guy recognized me and was friendly. I’ve got to work on where to look--NOT the camera! That’s my weakness--I treat the camera like my scene partner. But am I supposed to treat the reader like my scene partner? And look there? I should also practice in the car or something first--my first reading was sort of a “dress rehearsal.”
I asked around among industry folks--I should look at my scene partner. Looking into the camera instantly shows that I’m an amateur. Blerg. Might have messed up that audition a little much, but it’s a good lesson to learn. And I’m getting better at dealing with rejection.

SHOW/PROJECT: Into the Woods
DATE: Monday, April 20
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Wait” from Sweeney Todd
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Man, my voice is out of shape. Singing is like a muscle--and I haven’t really worked it in months. The song wasn’t in the best place for my range...the first half was golden, but I struggled a little bit with the higher second half. I thought about changing the key, but decided to keep it where it was, since the roles I'm most interested in (Baker’s Wife, Witch) are mezzo/soprano roles. I felt really good about my acting, although I fell out of it a little when my voice didn’t sound amazing on the higher stuff. I feel like I’m getting better at auditioning, slowly but surely. Or at least, I’m not getting as crazy-nervous and I used to.


Next audition: May 16th.

The Pip With Pizazz

Warning: This post is 80% pity party and 20% inspirational. I hope. 

It's been two months since "Damn Yankees" closed. At the time, I was grateful for the break--November was madness and I was grateful to have a few extra hours each night to refuel. But now I'm getting antsy. I can feel my acting muscle starting to atrophy, and I'm getting desperate for something to work it out with.

And for the first time in my life, I'm dealing with rejection on a level previously unknown to me. I seem to be in the middle of growing a thicker skin right now, but I'm finding it to be slightly more painful and confusing than I ever thought it would be. It's slow at the agency, and I had laryngitis the last time they called me for an audition. I've done three auditions since Damn Yankees, only gotten a callback for one of them, and not been cast at all.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, is totally not a big deal. But to one who's spent the last ten years as a big fish in the little Rexburg pond, my ego is feeling slightly crushed. After each rejection in the last two months, I spent a few days feeling certain that I was the worst actress ever. Then I snapped out of it and started gearing up for the next audition.

But it is tiring. My feeling is not so much that I might be a bad actress. I do think that now and then, of course I do. I think every creative type occasionally feels certain that they're the worst ever. It's more like...it's like this: like I'm a bagel on a plate of onion rolls. Like I could wow 'em if they'd just give me a chance. I feel like this:



Which I know sounds a bit conceited. And maybe it is. I don't know. Probably. I'm absolutely certain that I'm no Barbra Streisand, but I know I'm a good actress. I know I can carry a tune. I know I can fake my way through a dance. I just really suck at auditioning and am completely unknown to almost every director in Utah. I gotta up my game here. I never realized until now that I've been half-faking my way through auditions for the last several years, just because every director I was auditioning for in Rexburg had already seen me and knew me. And that's not gonna cut it anymore.

And I know I'm not going to be every director's cup of tea. I do think I'm pretty, but I also know that my teeth are terrible and my nose is crooked and I have a weak chin and I'm prone to acne and I make onstage/onscreen choices that aren't always what they're looking for. But that's okay. Because I'd rather be successful as myself than try to be anyone I'm not. I just have to find the directors who want me.

I'm impatient. I want them to find me right now. To write "YES" in big bold letters on the top of my audition sheet.

The other part of my problem right now is I'm a bit picky about the projects I seek. I want to be paid for this. And if I'm not paid, I want it to be a project I really care about. But maybe I need to get over it and just get INVOLVED. Audition for anything that comes my way. Get myself out there.

Saying it out loud, I see how wise it sounds.

I also wish there were more opportunities than there are. I recognize that compared to Rexburg, Idaho, Salt Lake City is FULL of opportunities. But, well...now that we're here, it's apparent how unlike New York City this really is. If we were in New York/LA/Chicago, if I didn't get cast, I could audition for something else the next week. But here, it feels like FOREVER before the next audition comes around. And I've got my heart set on auditioning for certain shows that I really care about, which makes me reluctant to audition for other things that might conflict with them.

A good summary of this entire post so far is just: "Ggaah arghh someone cast meeee!!!"

So now that I've gotten all that out of my system, here's what I'm gonna say to myself. Screw waiting around. Just audition. Just get involved. And if no one is giving you opportunities, make your own. And give 100% in auditions. Don't fake your way through. Give an opening-night performance. The auditioners deserve that from you. And you owe it to yourself to do that. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if your teeth are terrible, if you have a crooked nose, if you have a weak chin, if your skin is prone to acne. If you're talented and if you work hard and if you audition for roles you're suited for, those things are so so so secondary. Don't waste your time comparing yourself to women who look different than you do, who have been doing this longer, who know people in this area better. Just be yourself and trust that the RIGHT opportunities will come to you if you seek them.  Keep working on your craft. A dry spell isn't the end of the world. You will have your time under the lights again soon.

Lessons learned from a 22-hour trip to Utah

Going to Sephora will not make you feel confident. It will only make you feel poor. Because you do not have $195 to spend on eye makeup. And it turns out that you already DID know how to do an "everyday eye" look, and you don't actually need the Sephora girl's expertise.

City Creek Mall, in general, will make you feel poor. You will hunt for a women's button-up shirt for an hour or two before deciding that human beings are crazy to spend $55 on a women's button-up shirt. You will leave City Creek feeling like you are leaving Panem's Capitol, with plans to visit DI when you get home.

Fear is a powerful force, but it does not have to rule you. Reserves of courage can be found over and over again, even when you are feeling that you have none left.

You will also find reserves of positivity, even when the day's tasks have left you feeling fatalistically discouraged.

Food has the power to revive courage and positivity.

Grapes are the best summer road trip food ever.

If ever you have the chance to sing Frozen's "Let It Go" while driving into a thunderstorm in the evening, DO IT. Because it will be the most epic thing you have ever done.

Never, ever, ever attempt to drive to Utah at 6 am and drive back the same night. You will get home at around 3:30 am, and despite the naps you took at rest stops and gas stations, you will be exhausted. So much so that you are physically ill the next day. Because 22 hours of driving and running errands is not okay with the human body or spirit.

The best resources on a trip like this are a loving husband, and a loving Heavenly Father, both of whom will give you encouragement throughout the day.

Guest Post: Empathy Dreams

Today, I am happy to host the amazing Carrie of Seeker of Happiness! She's a fellow blogger with a fantastic tote bag business and she's my guest today.

Carrie and I go way back, to the Fall of 2004, when we took John Bidwell's acting 1 class and did our final scene together. We ended up forgetting our lines during our final performance, because every time we got together to rehearse, we ended up talking for hours instead. Now, ten years later, I'm still honored to consider her one of my best friends.

Exactly a year ago (by bizarre coincidence, it really was exactly a year ago--March 26, 2013), Carrie posted a powerful blog entry about a dream she had. It's one I refer to a lot anytime something controversial comes up--gay marriage, women and the Priesthood, etc. And I'm thrilled to repost it here.

So without further ado, take it away, Carrie!

I had a dream last night. It was probably the most vivid and realistic dream I've had since the one from 2005 about a Mormon Holocaust. I woke up feeling many, MANY emotions and after taking the day to mull it over I am feeling overwhelming grateful that dreams exist.

THE DREAM:

I was attending church here in my ward in Utah. Same building, same congregation. I was teaching Junior Primary singing time (for children ages 3-7), which is, in real life, my current calling. In order to teach a principle on being reverent, I had a boy and a girl come with me outside of the Primary room and I asked them to tell me one way they could be reverent. I don't remember their answers, but we went back in. I explained to the rest of the group the question I had asked, and Sister Black (who really is a counselor in the Primary presidency), leaned her chair back and said: "Oh! We don't ask questions like that in church anymore!"

I was pretty confused and got real snobby and sarcastic.

"We don't ask questions like that in church anymore? What does that even mean?"

"We were asked not to ask those kind of questions. There was a letter from the First Presidency. Just remember for next time."I was clearly annoyed and disbelieving and went on to the teach the rest of singing time how I wanted.

During the 3rd hour of church, I walked in late to Relief Society. Sister Cox (my Relief Society President in real life) had just finished reading "the letter" from the First Presidency. I didn't hear it because I was late. There was a murmur of discussion about the new church policy asking members to not use QUESTIONS while teaching the gospel, both in church, and out.
As far as I understood, you could ask questions if you were confused, and you could answer questions from others, but you couldn't ask a question to teach a principle.

I remember that I wasn't "confused." I wasn't TRYING to "figure it out." The idea was simply illogical and absurd to me. I raised my hand and I asked question after question to try and find a logical explanation for the passing of this new policy. Every time I asked "WHY?" however, I could feel the other women in the room avoid eye contact with me. I was very aware of their backs and their shoulders. I was making Sister Cox uncomfortable. I remember using two points:

1.) Are they going to block out the entire section in Preach My Gospel specifically laying out to missionaries the importance of ASKING QUESTIONS?

Sister Cox responded that, yes, they most likely would.

2.) Alright then. Are they going to seal up the ENTIRE NEW TESTAMENT too? Because I'm pretty sure every time Christ taught anyone, He used questions to do it.

There was a lot of awkward silence in my dream. I remember being flabbergasted that no one else seemed to have issue with this. No one else seemed to have even PAUSED. I felt like I was suddenly in a room of people I didn't even recognize.

Then, slowly, women began to raise their hands and comment. They only looked at each other and Sister Cox. No one made eye contact with me. They all said in different ways the following:

"We don't need to know everything. People who question what the church says need to have more faith that the Prophet is called of God. People who question need to have more faith in God."

I remember feeling a mixture of emotions. None of them were angry. All of them were astounded. How did wondering what brought upon this new policy suddenly make me faithless? How did I go from a functioning member of a ward FAMILY and in 5 minutes turn into someone to avoid talking to? It was as if my "faithlessness" would be contagious through eye contact and communication.

I decided to go home. I was trying to find Scott since he had the car keys. While looking for him, I ran into Brother Tibbets (the real life 2nd counselor in my bishopric). He lovingly told me that he had heard I had some questions and then encouraged me to meet with him and the Bishop. I remember that I felt genuine love from him, but I was put off that I was being invited to meet with the Bishop. I did not feel any sway in my testimony of the gospel, but felt like I was being treated as though I had lost my faith.

I ended up walking, and then running home down a long, steep hill. It was sunset- the only thing not consistent with real life and my dream. Normally, I have church meetings at 11am and have never seen a sunset while leaving early.

I remember thinking as I ran that I hoped Scott would not look for me and just get the baby and come home to find me.

Then I woke up.

As I explained my dream to Scott, I was hit with the same wave of... empathy that I had upon waking up in my bed. I thought about all of these faithful members of the church who ask a question as simple as "why?" and are treated as though they have lost all faith in Christ, His atonement, and His restored gospel. I thought of how some of them eventually DID lose faith in those things. And I wondered if how they were treated had more to do with that than I originally suspected.

I have thought a lot about women who struggle with not having the priesthood. Or women who don't struggle with that but get lumped in the group with those who do because they want to know why we don't talk about Heavenly Mother, or why women don't wear pants to church. d I thought about people who wrestle with Prop 8. People who feel like NOT supporting gay marriage is just as ridiculous as not asking questions while teaching the gospel.

I thought about how I'm not one who has had deep struggles with the gospel. I thought about how grateful I am for that. But mostly I thought about how this- ALL OF THIS- it is not TOPICS. There is so much more that separates us as brothers and sisters. It is how we treat others who struggle with things we have not struggled with.

How dare anyone say: "I have not had that problem, so neither should you. Something must be wrong with you, at least SPIRITUALLY if you struggle with that."

One of the most beautiful facts of the Plan of Salvation is that God will judge us each individually. He will take into account EVERYTHING. Even what we WOULD have done had opportunities A, B or C arose.
What a marvelous weight we have off of our shoulders!

What a wonderful thing to not have to judge the faithfulness of others, but instead, simply love them.

Ready, set...

WRITE!

Here goes nothin'. I'll be back in 30 days, with a 50,000 word draft of a young adult novel. If I don't call you back, or don't respond to something on facebook, or don't blog, or appear in public looking frazzled, I apologize. It's because I'll be joining a few thousand other fools* in the folly of writing a novel in a month.

And at the end of that month, I'll have a draft of this young adult novel, tentatively called "Driving Through Constellations":
It's been four months since Claire's mom died in a car accident. Her dad walks around in a fog, and her little brother hasn't been sleeping, and Claire's been going on long drives by herself, staring at the stars. But when her best friend Alice gets dumped, she drags Claire along on a road trip of healing. Can Claire heal her heart in one cross country trip? Or are the spaces between her and the people she loves too vast?

We'll see how much it transforms by the end. :)

For those readers who are sharing in this journey, here's what I've been reading to myself, over and over. This is why I'm doing this.

"Knowing there are thousands of others out there trying to do the same, who are using this ridiculous deadline as cattle-prod and shame deterrent, means goddammit, you better do it now because you know how to write, and you have fingers, and you have this one life, and during this one life, you should put your words down, and make your voice heard, and then let others hear your voice. And the only way any of that’s going to happen is if you actually do it. People can’t read the thoughts in your head. They can only read the thoughts you put down, carefully and with great love, on the page. So you have to do it, goddammit. You have to do it, and you can step back and be happy. You can step back and relax. You can step back and feel something like pride." -- Dave Eggers, NaNoWriMo pep talk, 2010

* The world is full of zanies and fools, who don't believe in sensible rules and won't believe what sensible people say... and because these daft and dewey-eyed dopes keep building up impossible hopes, impossible things are happening every day!