Things I'm Surprised to Find Myself Saying While Working As An Elementary School Secretary:
"Don't eat things you find growing on the ground. It could be wild parsley, or it could be POISON HEMLOCK, so please take it out of your mouth."
"The same goes for mushrooms you find on the playground. Don't eat those either."
"Please stop walking on that stranger's lawn."
"If you're cold when you go outside, you should put your coat ON, instead of HOLDING it."
"Just because someone's water bottle looks to you like a 'rainbow penis' doesn't mean you need to point it out."
"Please do not pelvic thrust. Or crab walk. And please do not do both at the same time."
"Even though you said it in the context of kindness, as in 'he's my f***ing friend,' please do not use the F-word at school. Especially since you're a kindergartener."
"I appreciate your love of 'ancient languages,' but just saying the word 'penis' over and over again, does not an ancient language make."
