The Lame and the Lovely

LAME: It just now occurred to me, as in TODAY, that there is a week and a half left of this semester. I’m not even in classes, and that freaks me out.
LOVELY: That also means that I only have to work at Taco Hell—beg pardon, Taco BELL for just 7 more short days! And then no more fast food industry for me.

LAME: I owe rent still.
LOVELY: Ok, only sort of lovely, but the managers are paying me $10 an hour off my rent still owing to re-paint one of the bathrooms. I got like $75 off. And the bathroom looks good.

LAME: Not sure if Hawai’i is going to work out for this vacation. It might for the END of the summer, but I think its sort of falling through.
LOVELY: We’re still going on an adventure! We just don’t know where yet.

LAME: Even after the semester is over, there’s still a month before Playmill rehearsals start.
LOVELY: But Roger hired me to come up early with a handful of others to help clean up, organize, and get ready for the summer! I love the Playmill.

LAME: I’m going to be really busy the next week or so.
LOVELY: Part of that being busy will be training for a new job! I am officially hired as the theatre script librarian for the fall and winter next year! I talked to Judy (theatre office secretary) about it now, so that the spot could be open for me when I return to school, and she worked it out perfectly. I get trained for 3 days over the next week and a half for the PERFECT job during school! It’s a job I can keep throughout the rest of my schooling here at BYU-I, and it’s $6.50 an hour at really flexible hours (around 20 a week) in my own little niche of the theatre department, at a desk that’s not too busy, where I can be surrounded by theatre all day and work on homework. How grateful I am!

LAME: I still gotta fill out the FAFSA. And that’s annoying.
LOVELY: I’m going to school in the fall! I had to re-apply, since I haven’t been taking classes for so long, and I was terrified I wouldn’t get back in. But I got accepted! (Re-accepted?) Classes, homework, books, and lectures, I’m so excited to be a part of you again! (That may have sounded sarcastic, but in all honesty, I really truly am ecstatic about it, and I’ve missed it so!)

LAME: There’s still no cure for cancer.
LOVELY: Daddy passed the Foreign Services exam with flying colors! After years of hard work, prayer, and perseverance, the Lord has seen fit to bless him and our family with success in this endeavor! There are still a lot of steps to this process, but he’s closer than ever to living one of his dreams working in an embassy overseas!

LAME: I just ate my last popsicle.
LOVELY: I’m surrounded by good, wonderful people whom I love dearly, and who make every day the adventure that I pray for my life to be! I hope that I can show my gratitude for the friends I have around me by being the kind of friend OTHERS can be grateful for.

Thought for the day:
"As I was kick starting my vespa tonight I kicked too hard and slammed my heel into the ground. I think I bruised it which made me think. Though we have the power to crush Satan's head, a bruised heel still hurts." --Alex Hardy

"Never trust a man who gives you ice-cream. Unless he's your father." --Beckah

With the onset of the usual 1am insomnia, I've been contemplating that gem of wisdom from my sister. I think she's really got a point. Especially for we Mormon girls. Ice cream is the LDS equivalent to alcohol, it seems. I mean, think about it. Where the rest of the world says "Would you like to go get a drink somewhere?" Mormons say "Would you like to get a sundae somewhere?" The Mormon equivalent of "Shall I get us something to drink?" is quite obviously "Would you like some ice-cream?"

Not that ice-cream is inherently harmful, like alcohol is generally considered. But think about it, girls. It's a well-known proverb that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, a truth which we women have been using against the menfolk for years. But them men, they're more subtle-like. It seems that as women in general, we automatically feel a greater sense of appreciation for a man who offers us ice cream. Not always a swell of romantic affection, but we certainly hold the fellow in higher esteem.

But should we really be using a dairy product to measure a man's character by? Could this perhaps be a tool being used against us? Is ice cream being used to cloud our judgment? Are we being seduced at the hands of an ice cream scoop? (Perhaps that metaphor should be withdrawn; it doesn't ring quite right.)

If a boy asks you over to his place to discuss the latest political situation over bowls of neopolitan, perhaps you should ask him to make his intentions clear. Ice cream can of course, be accepted from fathers, no strings attached.

There have been cases, I am sure, when a normally reasonable, clairvoyant and intelligent young woman, with traces of Rocky Road on her lips, has looked at the young man who bestowed it on her and thought "You know, Gerald really isn't that bad-looking of a boy. Perhaps I shall go to the dance with him like he asked." Would she really have thought that without the bowl of chocolatey, marshmallowy, almondy goodness in front of her. Perhaps. But perhaps not.

Have you been this young woman? Have you been enticed by the subtle use of frozen dairy? Have you been seduced by a man wielding an ice-cream scoop? Have there been times when you woke the next morning from an ice-cream overdose and think back to the things you said the night before and wonder if what you were thinking really made that much sense at the time?

(Furthermore, have there been times when you woke the next morning from writing a blog and think back to the things you said the night before and wonder if what you were thinking really made that much sense at the time? I suppose that's the real question here...)

The FINAL countdown!!!!

Five years of Comic Frenzy! Woot for their anniversary this year. This was their introduction at the Mother's Weekend shows this year. Rock the stage, CF.

The best way to get to know someone is to get to know their current life circumstances?

Name: Liz Whittaker

Age: Old enough to buy alcohol, but not old enough to receive government grants to pay for higher education

Employment: The fast food industry. Years of employment in professional calling centers, and now she's currently The AntiTaco.

Residence: The Hawmps, where they lose her cash payments for rent and threaten to kick her out for not being a student.

Relationship Status: Impatiently single. It would be a lot more convenient if she could develop actual feelings for someone available.

Aspirations: To be a student again. To do the splits and a double pirouette. To buy a bookshelf and new glasses.

Fears: Raccoons, loneliness, losing control of her romantic impulses.

Somewhat unattainable material desires: An iMac, an iPod, a digital camera, a car, a drumset.

Comforts: Music, ice-cream, friends, long walks alone in unlit areas

Frustrations: The rapidness with which our house gets dirty, feeling a sense of being misunderstood, having crushes on men who are not single

Somewhat selfish but justifiable desires: To have the girl playing Penelope in "See How They Run" drop out so that I can have that role, to sing "Baby It's Cold Outside" for pre-show at Playmill Christmas, to be the script librarian in the theatre department next year, to be a more integral part of Comic Frenzy, to visit Jen in Utah, to come into several thousand dollars to take care of bills for the next (and past) several years, to spend the 3 week vacation in Hawai'i.

Things to be grateful for: Rebekah, the Playmill, the quotebooks, extra strength Pamprin, wool socks, and David Bowie.

Diary of an Assistant Stage Manager

A day by day account of the rehearsal process of BYU-Idaho's "Crazy For You," from the point of view of yours truly. Since the show's been running successfully for three nights in a row, I figured now was the best time to publish this.

January 23
Two weeks before the show opens. It feels like a lot of time. But then, in moments of blazing clarity (and panic), I realize that it’s actually not. Hyrum keeps confusing me when it comes to the chairs that we’re supposed to be using in each scene.

January 24
Our Polly has only tried on 2 costumes. I’m becoming concerned. The double Zangler scene looks great...definitely one of my favorite parts of the show. I wonder how many bottles there are actually supposed to be on the bar. Hm.

January 26
Spent a good hour or so after rehearsal concentrating on the tedious task of removing tape from the stage. Wow, was that boring. I still have tape under my nails. The show’s coming along, and I can tell it’s going to be great. It’s nice to have to continuity of running entire acts. I’m attempting to stem the tide of panic and responsibility awaiting me as soon as the Stage Manager leaves the stage for the booth and leaves me in charge of everything down here.

January 27
Double rehearsal today...morning and night! Hyrum had one of his obligatory tantrums at tonight’s work-through. He threw a music stand and said “I need to go away for awhile, because I’m just done with all of you.” He returned to find everyone rehearsing again, somewhat more focused this time, and for the record, he did 10 neutral breaths while gone.

January 29
Had a nightmare last night that we were trying to work scene changes, but we couldn’t because all of the set pieces were floating a few feet above the stage. We finally worked out a system of magnets to hold everything down, which proved to be problematic since everyone in the show wears tap shoes. The car came in today and it looks fantastic! Jenny ripped her pants on a “scary nail” in the hood where she hides, but it’s taped up now, and by tomorrow maybe we’ll have the car running. The fact that its a rental worth thousands of dollars scares the --------- outta me.

January 30
Rehearsal from hell. Tried to work scene changes as best I could without enough knowledge of where things are and who can move them. On the bright side, the car is running! Now we’ve just got to figure out how it can enter in between the lighting poles like its supposed to in Act II, without also hitting the flat directly in front of it. Hyrum finished choreographing “I Got Rhythm” tonight, at last. Only 2 more numbers to finish before we open in a week. Got enough people to help with scene changes and props and all tonight, so we should be good to go by tomorrow night. With the exception of that stupid abandoned theatre scene. I’ll have to apologize tomorrow to anyone I might have snapped at. And spend several hours assigning scene changes.

January 31
I stayed up until 3:30 in the morning working out scene changes, set arrangements, and prop assignments. I had to call into work with a “family emergency” in order to get everything done today that I needed to. Lord forgive me my white lie. Rehearsal was terrifying, but I think it was productive. The costumes look great. We spiked everything tonight. Not sure how that’s going to work out, since the stage still has to be painted. I accidentally almost sent about 6 chairs back to the ranch today in an effort to get organized. Thank goodness they stayed in the shop.

February 1
Another late night CHANGING scene changes. And of course it’s still not final. But we’re getting closer! I’ve decided that “Slap That Bass” is going to be my own personal dance solo backstage during this show. Mostly for Mallori, because she’s the only one who can see me. =) The orchestra was here tonight, and they sounded great! It really is going to be a fantastic show. It’s still nitty-gritty, but it’s getting smoother. We only did Act II tonight, so it’s before 11pm and I’m HOME! How great is that? I don’t know what it is about Riley, but he makes me laugh so much. Onstage and off. I’m glad for people like him. And God bless Cameron Boyle for his patience, good attitude, comfort, and smile! He’s keeping me sane during these rehearsals.

February 2
Hoorah for smoother rehearsals! Which were filled with awkwardness, for some weird reason. Dan kissed my teeth today. And I kept trying to say funny things that didn’t quite...work out the way I planned, or that didn’t get the reaction I hoped for. I think tomorrow I’m going to type up the REAL actual FINAL scene change list.

February 3
Whew! Rehearsal mania. Morning and night today...holy cow, it was overwhelming. I had to be there at 9 this morning, which was an experience that reminded me that I am NOT a morning person. Jordan playing the piano this morning was my sustaining force. That, and Cameron, as always. Adventures today consisted of finalizing the scene change list at last, and then changing it again during the highly necessary scene tech tonight, which we had since our male lead couldn’t make it to rehearsal. Poor Dan has bruised ribs and is in need of a root canal and so was in rehearsal with moderate amounts of pain and exorbitant amounts of prescription painkillers. Props to Jenny Farley for bravery! Today will go down in history as one of the first and only times I’ve ever seen anyone stand up to Hyrum’s bullying, and ask for a little respect! And she wasn’t rude or snotty about it! It was fantastic, and I was so proud of her! I decided tonight that I’m not cut out for stage managing, and I don’t enjoy it. Too complicated. I think my system might react poorly to the 4 or 5 Hostess Ding Dongs I consumed during rehearsal tonight.

February 5
Invited dress! The audience was fantastic, although somewhat...what’s the word Hyrum used?... “animalistic” at times. It went really well, no huge disasters, no ridiculous scene change catastrophes. My favorite part was the fact that in the last scene with the car, they opened the hood to “fix” it and found me sitting in it with a little sign that said “Great Dress Rehearsal.” But it felt like it was just what we needed to have a successful opening night!

February 6
We did it! We opened! Successfully! No injuries, no disasters, it was great! Here’s to a fantastic show! I’m so tired I can’t even think of anything else to say about it.

And a great picture of Jenny Mae, Beckah, and Dan from the show to end with!

You're hot like a crunchwrap supreme. Ciminoom lips and all.

Someday I want to do a study comparing the effects of sleepiness with the effects of alcohol. I know for sure you say things and occasionally take pictures that you regret later. Me + Jenny Mae + facebook + Valentine's day candy + no sleep = the following facebook communications. I have a feeling I'll be embarrassed about publishing this later.

1:51am
Liz: I just wanted to be part of the facebook messaging group. The inappropriate thing I was going to say to Jeff was something along the lines of "Let's make a baby" but then I remembered that we're not quite that good of friends yet. If I were Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.

1:53am
Jenny: oh that was funny. How funny did you think it was? I personally would say it was about a hippopotamus' size of funny.

1:56am
Liz: More like a love of George Micheal size funny. I hate the name Micheal because I never know how to spell it. It looks right if you put the e before the a OR after it and I always think of Micheal Jackson and get distracted by mental dancing. I get to work at noon tomorrow HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH for tacos. Let's run away to find the treasure, just the two of us.

1:57am
Jenny: While thoughts of writing on your wall were passing through my head, I scrolled down my profile and was about to write
SEX ME PLEASE
on my own wall. how silly would that be? quite quite, yes I aggree.

1:59am
Jenny: I love treasure. it makes me feel like I am a pirate. But apparently you can
t be a pirate AND a ninja, and Jeff says I'm a ninja. Oh, but my love for George Michael or Micheal or Mike-ale or Miedkgnle is veryyyyyyyyyy (not veeerrrrryyy, emphasis on the y) large. And I'm not sure what happened tonight was that funny. ps check your wall.

2:03am
Liz: I'm doing it. Uhhmm...write it on my own wall, not do the thing that you almost wrote on your wall. This late-night face-book fun is better than sex.

2:03am
Liz: SEX ME PLEASE

2:04am
Liz: ps: CHECK YOUR WALL. AND MINE. Sorry for yelling. Emphasis on the y. Hie you over to your wall, I should say. Ha ha Scots are funny. And they wear skillets. I mean kilts. AND NO SKIVVIES!!!!!!!! I want to take my pants on but then Beckah's laptop will get all sweaty.

2:10am
Jenny: we should do this as our daily ab work out. I think I would like to take my pants on too. You know, and be a jolly good sport about it. Righteo! I farted 4 times in a row.

2:14am
Jenny: I have to tell you, emphasis on the y, that your message made no sense, not sence, to me. Oh my typing spellin gis so poor. I swear if there was no such thing as a back space You couldn''t understand what I am telling you. OOOOOOOOOOOO a whale of a tale and its all true I swear by my taboo!

2:17am
Liz: Sport should be fartings. I'm leaving it, I'm not changing it.I'm going to type you a song:
You can dance if you want to!
You can leave your pants behind!
Cause your pants don't dance and if they don't dance
Then they ain't no pants of mine!
You can dance!
You can dance!
Everybody take off your pants!
Or you can take them on. Strippers don't wear clothes. They also don't have laptops resting on their thighs. No sweat. I think I might be asleep right now. Everything makes sense to me. (I need to go home.) I think that I want to publish this message history someplace where people can laugh at it. We should publish it as an ab video! Like, instead of pilates, read roomate facebook 2 am messaging!

2:20am
Jenny: I almost did it again, but i forgot what awkward thing I was going to write on my wall. Oh yeah I was going to tell youa story about when my friend was in a really bad mood, she came to me by night, no she didn't, she came to me, well actually I was already there, so she walked up to me, ok so i was standing there and and she wanted to tell me something. But she did tell me something so I guess that was what I meant to say, it was more than just a desire. Yes it was put into place she came up to me, no. She said to me in this friendly way, because that was what we were, friends. Anyway she said "cheer me up!" because she was sad. I told you that already. Sorry. I don't mean to twell you something twice its just when something is importatn I gotta get it off my chest. So you know how I responded, to cheer her up?
MY BOOBS ARE ON FIRE!

2:21am
Liz: You swear by your taboo? I always feel silly when I say that word. Like a monkey.

2:27am
Jenny: there comes a day wehen you gotta look the potato of injustice right in the eye!! cause life is like a mop. Gets full of dirt and bugs and crap. you gotta rinse it out. and sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad, a mop, a mop won't do it. You gotta get down on the floor with a tuthbrush (yes, i know I spelled it wrong DEAL WITH IT). and if that doesn't work. you can't give up! (unnecissary period, don't know what i was thinking htere) you gotta go to the window and yell, hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I;m not gonna take it anymore!

2:28am
Jenny: monkey monkey monkey. Oh, I just realized this is MY wall...

2:30am
Liz: You broke my heart in two. I'll always keep that pedestal for you!

2:36am
Liz: We both updated our statuses...stati? to be the same joke that only we understand! Ha ha ha. I'm feeling a little flustered here. I better just go back to playing my harmonica.

2:41am
Liz: There comes a time in every young woman's life when she should go to bed. I think I'm nearing that time. 3 o clock. I will be in bed. Remember when you were a rocking chair. Good times.

2:42am
Liz: You're a snifty winker. It sounds like a Willy Wonka candy, I know, but you'd be surprised how UNLIKE a Willy Wonka candy it is.

2:43am
Jenny: Ya, harmonicas always sooth me too. It reminds me of the good ole days when i would sit up on cherry tree rd and chase the ice cream man with my bloody sock to see if he would pity me enough to give me free ice cream. Or when I got a little older, and decided that one... apparently I am snifty. Maybe that is what my status should be. anyway, one brother was not enough so I folded a blanket up and took it to ...ok this story sucks. and its all lies! ALL OF IT, LIES! I'm a monster!

2:46am
Jenny: Jenny is hie, don't worry about it. Jenny's mood depends on the amount of ciminoom lips she eats. Now her legs are the sweaty ones. Liz, what just happened to her compute.

2:47am
Liz: Why were your sock bloody? You're my hero, ciminoom lip master.

2:48am
Jenny: I was one with that rocking chair. hooooooooommm. empahsis on the om. um, good idea. lets go to bed.

2:57am
Liz: I like it when you dance. Dance for me every day. Like a rocking chair. My toe ring feels silly on my toe right now. Perhaps its done being a toe ring. Maybe it decided to become a defense lawyer. Mmm, lawyers are hot. And not the ciminoom kind. Is cinnamin spicy or hot? Or I should say, am I spicy or hot? Like a crunchwrap. SUPREME.

2:58am
Jenny: I like how we both decided sleep was good but we both refuse to do so!

2:59am
Liz: I think I'm going in 2 mintues. I always mispell that word when I'm typing it and "mintues" sounds like the name of minty chocolate Austrian candies.

3:18am
Jenny: I really like crunchwrap supremes! Supremes ont he house! Ohana is supremem eating of crunch wrappers of crunch and supremitity. Ha, I wrote tity.

From the latin "desideratum," meaning "desired thing"

Just had one of those cool cosmic moments today, when everything sort of seems connected and you're reminded of the surety with which you know there is a God. I just thought I'd share it.
We had a cool lesson today in Relief Society about death and balance and emotions and faith, and I got a lot out of it. I have Relief Society in the Kirkham Actor's Studio, and toward the end of the lesson, I noticed a prop picture frame with something typed on it. I was curious, and so after church I went and picked it up and read it. It turned out to be Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata," which I had never read or even heard of before, and reading it, everything that I had thought about today and the last few days just sort of fell into place and was expressed in this composition. It was really cool, so I thought I'd share it with you all here.

DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise & haste; & remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly & clearly; & listen to others, even the dull & ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud & aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater & lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; & everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity & disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

Good sabbath to everyone!

"Eating oatmeal? More like SMOTE-meal!"

Hi all. I realize that this is a completely random picture to post, but its relevant because A) I recently got a henna tattoo, and B) My sister loves camels. Plus, I just thought it was really funny.

So, it occurred to me this morning that I totally wrote a blog on Monday that I forgot to actually post. So here's that one before I post anything else:

Common states of non-bitter single people...

Romantically-focused: Elevated awareness and desire regarding romance and all things related to it, manifested in listening to romantic music, watching romantic comedies, and taking long walks in the moonlight.

Sexually-frustrated: Heightened desire for physical intimacy consisting of anything from holding hands to kissing to spooning to other things that Mormons don’t get to do until we’re married.

Love-hungry: A dangerous combination of the above two states of being, in which the individual’s desire for romance is manifested in impulsive desires to kiss, cuddle and flirt with members of the opposite sex, which are in some extreme cases, followed, with or without dire consequences.

I’m definitely in the last state of being right now. I don’t know why. It’s really not quite fair, if you ask me. I’m afraid I’ll come off as a Mormon hussy if I flirt and cuddle with as many boys as I want to as often as I want to nowadays. This girl just needs a little lovin’! If one’s primary “love-language” is physical touch, it sure is awful hard to keep that love-tank full when you’re single. Because it still needs filling regardless of my dating status! But most people aren’t ready cuddlers, so you have to initiate it somehow, without seeming a strumpet. A rock and a hard place, if you ask me. I want physical attention. Even if it’s non-romantic.

I’m both really excited and slightly nervous about ASM-ing for “Crazy For You.” My nervousness is about 15% about working with Hyrum, and 85% about the fact that theatre people are so much more flirtatious, and this is a very flirtatious show done by people who are very good friends with each other and yours truly and if I manage to keep my love-hungry self under control during all this backstage closeness it’ll be a miracle. And of course, there have to be attractive boys to lust after in this cast. I was hoping to get onstage in the show and replace one of the flaky actresses who can’t act and who doesn’t show up to rehearsal, but no such luck. But I’m dying to be involved, so me techie blacks I shall don and a headset I shall wear!

Um, I thought I had more to write about, but apparently not. All y’all in “Crazy For You,” I’ll see ya in rehearsal.

For the record, I was all right in the self-control area. It was the boys who had trouble controlling themselves around ME. =) Just kidding, that's not true. But I was actually more focused on other things. Namely, the fact that I haven't worked with Hyrum Conrad since "Fiddler on the Roof," which was...winter of 2005. Like, 2 years. And that after all that time, I don't think I'm so much a fan of Hyrum and his directing style. Nothing I can't work with, of course, but it was an interesting revelation.
In spite of the fact that I don't think I enjoy working with Hyrum as a director, I really want to be IN his show. Not just involved. Not just the "sort of assistant stage manager waiting to know what her job actually is." It was harder than I thought it would be...watching everyone on that stage and not being up there with them. I could be good! I could play Bobby's Mother! And at least 6 people came up to me confidentially and told me that they really want me to replace the current Bobby's mother and be on stage with them. I don't mean to be rude to the current actress, but IF YOU DON'T COME TO REHEARSAL FOR 2 AND A HALF WEEKS WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE WHAT'S GOING ON, YOU LOSE THE PRIVILEGE OF BEING IN THE SHOW. In other situations, you gotta cut people some slack because they're all you have. But in this case, there are several other people who could do a great job and are willing and able to be committed to the show and be professional and love every minute of it! Like me. And I'm not the only one. But Hyrum's got some inexplicable chip on his shoulder about me, and in spite of many prayers, I don't know that he'll be willing to let me on the stage. Power-games, that's what that man plays in his directing. Un-professional if you ask me.
BUT, on the bright side, I've totally got fun, loving friends, a well-paying, bearable job, and several warm blankets to sleep under these chilly nights. I'm headed upstairs to chat with the managers about the fact that I actually CAN pay my rent, another happy thing, and then I'm going to watch a movie and enjoy the rest of my day off. And I don't think I'm going to do my hair. At all. I'm not even going to touch it. So ha ha.

And speaking of theatre, check out this pic from a recent performance of "Comedy of Errors" in the Bay Area, starring my stepfather as BOTH Antipholuses (would that be Antipholi...?)--that's him in the red shirt, and my mother as the Courtesan. The picture's a little small, but I hope I look like my Mom for the rest of my life.

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

Thursday night, Rexburg, Idaho. I have a job. I left the house this morning at 9:30 determined to come home with a job. I returned at 11:00 this morning as a full-time employee of the downtown Taco Bell. Not the classiest job, believe me I know. But it’s close by, good hours and good pay. Goal accomplished.

I also am currently sitting in my dining room and sort of watching Benny and Joon and getting semi-annoyed with the random guy watching. This doesn’t seem to be his kind of movie. Ag Business major, figures. I can’t help but take it a little personally when people don’t share my tastes. Oh well. I resolved this New Year to be less judgmental. I’m starting out by continuing to judge, but finding something positive for every judgment I make. So, I hate it when people feel a need to immaturely criticize movies that they don’t understand, and its even worse when they try to be funny as well. But then again, I tend to criticize the lives of Ag Business majors because I don’t understand them.

So I spent the entire vacation missing my friends, and now that I’m back here with them, I haven’t gone to see a-one. I get scared. I have this ridiculous fear, that’s unfounded most of the time, that either no one really remembers who I am, or that no one actually considers me their friend. Which is stupid. In spite of my ability to be friendly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m actually pretty shy. I always have been. In my own way. Not shy like in the quintessential way, but when given the choice between seeing people and not seeing them, most of the time I opt for the easy out and choose not seeing them. Silly Liz.

Speaking of silly, I was craving Thai food today, and headed out to the little joint next to the Westwood Theatre to get some. When I arrived, I discovered that it was still closed for the holidays! But I really really wanted Asian food, so after some debate, I headed to Fong’s Chinese Cuisine. I had a vague memory of thinking that it was terrible food, but that was a long time ago. I should have known better than to seek good Chinese food in Rexburg, Idaho, but I was hungry. So I gave it a shot.

It was the most revolting meal I have ever attempted to eat in my life. I ordered fried pork won ton and beef noodles with egg. What arrived was 10 deep fried somethin or others with about 0.25 oz. of pork jerky in each. And a bowl of overcooked spaghetti with canned beef/gravy over the top. And a hard-boiled egg quartered and placed on top. I forgot how unlike Asian food Fong’s is.

Anyway, the point is I’m hungry. I think I’ll go get some grub, and then see if I can’t get my courage up enough to go visit someone.

Even in California

Running away- let's do it,
Free from the ties that bind.
No more depair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder.

Running away- go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where,"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.
Different kind.

Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?

Running away- we'll do it.
Why sit around, resugned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you've left undone
And, more, what you've left behind.

--"Into the Woods"

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering-- and it's all over much too soon." --Woody Allen

Warning: I’m sort of a grumpy gertrude tonight. I’m just having a blue, lonely night and can’t figure out why time can’t speed up a few days so I can just get OUT of here.

I think the first part of this list will be comprised of two lists...

LIST ONE: REASONS FOR ME TO BE UNHAPPY
1. I’m hungry and I have no food.
2. As great as my roomates are, they just can’t compare to the love and closeness I had last winter, and which I dearly miss.
3. My best friend is 5 hours away.
4. I broke up with a boy I was thinking about marrying a week ago.
5. It’s cold outside, and I have no car, which means I either have to stay in my house or be cold.
6. I really want dessert, but APPARENTLY the dessert that was made for our exclusive apartment christmas party only caters to some members of the apartment. AKA, I’m the only one here who hates cheesecake, so everyone gets dessert except me. And there’s nothing else to substitute.
7. I’m poor. Ok, I’m broke. Finding a job without a car is hell around here.
8. People are generally disappointing to me. As a whole. At least tonight they are.
9. My head hurts.
10. I have to do white-glove.

Okay, so I’m being ridiculously self-indulgent. But I’m also being reclusive about it, so no one else has to come under the darkness of my own personal rain cloud. Bottling up emotion is unhealthy. So I’m unhappy. I’ll just be unhappy until I’m done. And be angry and frustrated and victimized by the world in general for a while.

Just because I feel I should balance things out a little bit, here’s a second list. I’m doing this for your sake, not mine. It’s much more satisfying for me to believe that nothing in my life is to my desires or expectations tonight. Maybe I just need a good swift kick in the pants.

LIST TWO: AN UNWILLINGLY WRITTEN LIST OF THE REASONS FOR ME TO BE HAPPY, AND NOT A FRIGGIN MARTYR
1. I have lots of warm clothes.
2. I’m surrounded by talented, fun friends who share my tastes and interests.
3. I live with my sister.
4. I don’t have to pack my entire house up and move.
5. I made a new friend today, and got over a year or two of her thinking I didn’t like her when I was actually just intimidated by her.
6. Jenny’s niece is cute.
7. I’m having dinner with a dear old friend on Wednesday night.
8. Rebekah now knows and can quote “Arrested Development” with me.
9. I should get my paycheck sometime in the next couple of days.
10. My album is recorded, copied, wrapped, and ready to be distributed with Christmas cheer.

Damn. I feel a little better. Writing the second list served the purpose of somewhat dispelling my grumpiness. I fully intended on moaning and moping for several more hours.

Well, kids, let me tell you, the fact of the matter is this. I am simply BURNED OUT. I am so sick of freezing Rexburg, everyone asking me about finals, trying to avoid social life complications when it comes to Vaughn, being lonely for old roomates, coaching gymnastics, and looking for a better job. I am SO READY to lose myself in the crowds of San Fransisco, to read and listen to jazz in Mom and Ray’s apartment in Alameda, to spend hours painting and hammering and cleaning a house in Union. That last one may sound strange, but I find that kind of thing very satisfying. It’s good thinking time, or distracting time, depending on which one you need. I think I need both.

Oh, and hey, here’s some more good news. I’m going to be at Playmill again this summer. Instead of, you know, GETTING MARRIED. But it was going to be a really big difficult sacrifice for me to give up a summer up in West, but now I’m free to go back again if I want. And boy do I want. I’m counting down the days in the back of my mind. More immediately I’m counting down the days until Christmas break, but after that, it’ll be PLAYMILL to look forward to. Curtis, Cameron, Mallori and probably Jeff are going back too. Kristi may come up as stage manager and box office employee. It should be fun. Gosh, there’s something about that place that pushes your troubles a thousand miles away. Whether you’re onstage or in the audience. But of course I’d much rather be onstage.

I think I’m going to brave leaving my room, and see if I can’t find SOMETHING to eat. If I have to eat another bowl of knock-off “Golden Crisp,” I’ll shoot myself in the leg. Maybe I’ll go on a walk later. Or visit Jesse and Kathleen. I am feeling a deep need to be around someone (s) who I know care deeply about me.