Safety First

Hello all! Stumbled upon this comedic world wide web gem via the appropriately named "stumbleupon.com" and had to share. Someone took actual safety warning signs that seem so ambiguous that they could mean anything, and added their own interpretations. (I wish I could take credit for these brilliant captions, but unfortunately I can't.) Hope it gives you all a hearty chuckle! Enjoy!




Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.









If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.







A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.







Radioactive materials come in 4 convenient sizes:
- individual dose
- family value size
- neighborhood spray pump size
- supersize!







If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.







To eliminate smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand under a faucet with no sink.








Watch out for people who come out of white tents and try to steal the shirt off your back.







If you see colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke yourself. Girls go for that.








People, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol are all at risk of being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.









Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.







In time of war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or poultry, please.








If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.








Do not drive a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the hood.









If your intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling over and watching the cool light show.







After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.









If your building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga postures.








If the weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the grass.








If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.








That closet door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go there.









Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!









If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.








Survive a biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your knees, then rolling over and playing dead.









If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.








Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with scary eyes, run away now.








Your telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone with no numbers on it.








If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.










If a door is closed, karate chop it open.