Hello? Hello? Is this thing on?

Oh hey blogosphere!

Sorry I abandoned you for a while there. I've been student teaching, trying to find a new car (ours finally died), doing graphic design, watching "Bielzy and Gottfried" at BYU-I, helping advertise and usher for Deep Love, and possibly developing lactose intolerance (I know I'm a hypochondriac, but this is for real--testing this week).

Anyway.

I don't really have too much to say now, I just wanted to let you know that I'm alive. OH, and that I won second place in the Idaho Falls Poetry Slam this weekend! It was an honor to be among so many great poets. And I'm excited to spend my $50 gift certificate to a used bookstore. And it made me even more excited about publishing my work this December.

So, I leave you with this delightful screenshot. Jacob and I were looking for this cartoon made in reference to a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote, and I just liked the "related" searched that came up.

Oh, and if you're in Utah next week, seriously, go see Deep Love. It will rock your world.

Texts Out of Context

I have a blog-friend who does a series called "Texts Out of Context." I thought it was a great idea, so I thought I'd join in the fun. Here are a few texts from my phone's inbox and outbox of late, with no accompanying explanations.


"Which hose?"

"Its a little...well there's a pelvic examination on stage."

"Thanks Uncle Susan!"
(a few seconds later)
"I mean Liz."

"Arrrrlright. Cabloon me bloomers and fiddle me anchors!"

"I bought some corn from a pirate the other day. It was only a buck an ear."

"You are like a gigantic party in the sky."

"I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I remember what the cartoon sheep said." 

"Totally. It's like being naked."

"How is student teaching? Are you teaching drama? Will I like being a teacher? HAVE I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!?!?"

"I will send you something over the internets tonight when I get home from work that will take your mind off your stupid uterus."

"Win the lottery. Invent something. Rob a bank."

"Lorayne...why? Why are you awake?"

"Was I suffering from amnesia and lost inside an vast underground cavern with magical pokemon like creatures? Cause if so, we had the same dream! - Miss you too, Betty Lou."

"Hey! I love ya! Hope you're doing yoga!"

"Are you zombie walking even in your illness?"

"Ireland will never be free until I can marry my brother."

"Call me back! Or bring duct tape! Just to patch the hole so we can get home."

"Would you...kiss a moose?"

"We accept this proposition. With joy."

"I just used a big marker to grade their tests. Making those big slash marks made me feel a little better. Immature maybe. But it helped."

"Cause there aren't always cops around?"

"This is important. IS YOUR MOM IN TOWN?"

"Yes indeed. The child sleepeth."

"I might have. I don't remember the details. You always have the coolest dreams. Remember that one where sheep were singing about luggage?"

"Oh I am a simple cow living a simple life but sometimes I feel exploited."

Life as a hypochondriac

I have a tendency towards anxiety. I could go more deeply into this, but frankly, I'm not brave enough to address that on this blog, so I'll just address one facet of this anxiety.

I have two phobias. One is raccoons (bad experience on a Girl Scout camp-out), and the other is the majority of things that have to do with medicine.

I mean, I TAKE medicine. I'm actually pretty good in a first aid emergency situation. Blood doesn't bother me too much (at least not after being in Macbeth), and I have a decent knowledge of home remedies for the day-to-day ailment.

But now and then, this phobia takes a hold of me and I become an anxiety-ridden MESS. Here's what life is like for a hypochondriac.

You go home a little early from school/work, because you're not feeling well. In a moment of sickly boredom, you visit cnn.com and discover that there's been a massive meningitis outbreak in the U.S., with cases in Idaho. You are IMMEDIATELY CERTAIN that you have meningitis. Because, even though you only slept like 3 hours last night and that co-worker you spend all day with is still getting over a cold, you are sure that what you're experiencing can only be meningitis. Heck, your neck is even sore! It's been sore for days! Never mind the fact that you definitely slept funny and it's really more like your shoulders that are sore. YOU HAVE MENINGITIS. After tearfully panicking and realizing you don't even have a will written, you scroll down on the CNN news story and discover that it's a rare form of NON-CONTAGIOUS fungal meningitis that is linked to a contaminated batch of injectable steroids. You've never been injected with steroids.

Your lower back has been sore for a little while, and stretching isn't helping, so you log on to that handy hypochondriac's nightmare WebMD.com. Have you ever visited this website? Don't. You'll panic. Even if you're NOT a hypochondriac. Anyway, you use the online "symptom checker," and discover that, besides indicating "muscle strain," pain in the lower back can also be a symptom of a ruptured organ (there are several to choose from), several varieties of cancer, and acute kidney failure. Noting that your urine wasn't the purest color the last time you went, you decide to research acute kidney failure a little further, and discover that apparently, acute kidney failure can happen with NO SYMPTOMS. So even if you're feeling totally fine, your kidneys could be failing at any point in time. Acutely.

Children's books like Madeline (wherein that French orphan girl gets appendicitis) and that one Curious George book wherein he swallows a puzzle piece? Those continue to haunt you well into your mid and late twenties. To this day, if I have a slight pain in my side, I think of that stupid orphan girl and her burst appendix.

Any throat pain is immediately a deadly form of strep, or tonsillitis. I actually have had tonsillitis before (remember this? and THIS monstrosity?) and survived it, so I really shouldn't worry. But that trip to the hospital during that episode was NOT something I'd care to repeat.

Anyway. I bring all of this up, because I'm totally getting sick. That meningitis thing up there happened to me today. My throat is KILLING me, but it's just red--no tonsiloliths or white strep patches. And I haven't been injected with steroids, so I'm pretty sure I'm safe from meningitis. I promised my cooperating teacher no sick days, AND tomorrow is the beginning of my unit, so I don't really have time to get sick.

So, like any good hypochondriac would do, I'm signing off to go gargle with Listerine/take vitamins/drink water/sleep/do yoga/take echinacea (how the heck to you spell that?!)/eat a spoonful of honey with cinnamon/eat toast/take a bath.

Wish me luck. 

image via

Chronically under-dressed

I have a friend who confessed once to the blog-o-sphere that she's chronically under-dressed. I remember reading that blog, admiring her wit, and moving on with my life.

However, now that I'm making a foray into the semi-professional world of education, where BYU-I and high school requirements request that I dress more professionally, I'm realizing that I might be chronically under-dressed as well.

I never really thought of this, although in retrospect, Sundays should have given me a clue. I spend every Sunday looking at my closet and trying to figure out what to wear...not necessarily because I'm very picky, but because I just don't own a lot of non-casual things.

Once jeans and t-shirts were out of the picture, I discovered that apparently that's what I've been wearing for the last few years. Without my standard jeans and Harry Potter/band t-shirts, I found that I have approximately 7 outfits to wear to school. I guess I could get more creative with the mixing and matching, but frankly, I AM picky.

I mean, 7 outfits is a decent amount, but when you consider the 5-day school week, that means that after about a week and a half, I have cycle through again. And as much as I would like to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe, our two-digit spending amount per week doesn't really permit it.

Which makes the Rexburg Clothing Swap one of the best ideas I've ever had.

(Okay, it wasn't JUST my idea. But I pushed for it to happen.) A friend owns a clothing boutique in town, and she offered to host the event. We made flyers telling people to bring their old clothes tagged at garage sale price, and that night, we spent the evening haggling, trading, and buying. Everyone gets a new wardrobe, and no one has to spend a lot of money. 

My wardrobe is now rounded out with the addition of 7 shirts, 2 pairs of pants, 2 skirts, 3 sweaters, and 1 blazer. The total cost? A little under $20. A third world solution to a first world problem.

Seriously, people. Organize a clothing swap. Our leftover clothing items were donated to the local Family Crisis Center. So we all got new clothes, saved money, reduced waste, reduced consumerism, donated to a good cause, and enjoyed one another's company. 

Oh, and I also got this awesome green crushed velvet beaded skirt that someone said "looked like something a drama teacher would wear." I looked up, replied, "Man, I haven't worn something like that since the last time I organized a Ren Faire," and handed over a dollar. I'm gonna wear it to school this week.