Provident Living 101: How to Survive a Zombie Attack During Your English Class at BYU-I

Today, my English students' first essay was due, so to celebrate, we spent half of class just having fun. And by "having fun," I mean coming up with a plan of what to do if zombies attacked the Smith building while we were in class.

To specify, these are Romero zombies--slow and lumbering, destroyed by inflicting damage to the brain, infecting others through bite. In our hypothetical situation, roughly 300 of them are surrounding the Smith building, but they haven't breached it quite yet.

And let me tell you, if ever there's a zombie apocalypse in Rexburg, I'm sticking with my English students. They had some good ideas. Case in point:

The Honey Trap
Send the girls out, "Warm Bodies" style, to distract/seduce/cure the zombies. Either they'll entrap them for the men to kill, or they'll cure them with their virtuous smiles.

The ROTC Plan
Create weapons and fight our way through to a car, then drive to the National Guard Armory, where one student, who's in the army, can get us outfitted with vehicles, weaponry, etc. Then we battle.

The Brain Freeze
There are several ways we can use the cold of Rexburg to our advantage. One is to wait for nightfall, when the subzero temperatures will slow the zombies down even further, making them easier to target and kill. The other is to spread water around the building, wait for it to freeze, and wait for all the zombies to slip and dash their own brains out.

The Trojan Horse
Find and destroy one weak zombie (maybe two), then dismember it and cover ourselves in its entrails to mask our own smell. Practice our zombie walks and groans. Make our way to safety, lumbering among the zombies as if we're one of them.

The Trojan Teacher
A variation of the Trojan Horse plan is to use ME and my acting skills. One of the students suggested that my experience in theatre could be used to our advantage. I dress up like a zombie, go outside and tell the other zombies that I already ate everyone in the building and to just move on. I keep up the charade while the students escape, then they come back to rescue me.

Another Great Day at BYU-Idaho
Fight our way through the zombies, get to our cars, and drive to President Clark's house, where we can eat their food storage and safely wait behind bullet-proof glass for the zombie plague to be over.

Degree in Engineering
If we can get to the Austin Building, we've got it made. That's where all the engineering stuff is, including chemicals, which can be mixed to either create a cure or a weapon. We can also gain access to explosives, and if we can lure all the zombies into one building, we can blow them up.

Do You Hear the People Sing
We create a barricade with desks, chairs, and anything else we can find. We sing show tunes as we fight off the zombies using blunt weapons and broken fluorescent light bulbs. We use desks and cupboard doors as riot shields if we need to push through the zombies at any point.

The Running in Place Plan
Find a way to get to the Hart building. Then move all the treadmills to the entrances and exits, set on high speeds. If any zombies try to get in, they'll step onto the treadmills and fall, dashing their own brains out.

The Crusher
We use cables, clothing, ropes, wires and anything else we can find to connect several desks and tables together. Then we lower the contraption over the stairwell, using it as a zombie-crusher as they try to get up the stairs.

Death by Pop Music
Everyone gets out their iPods, computers, etc. We simultaneously play "Friday" by Rebecca Black out the windows, and the zombies either combust or commit Hari-Kiri.


Seriously. I think I'm going to put together a pamphlet or something.