Reasons Not to Drop Hints to Your Friends About Having Kids

I know that people make these kinds of comments light-heartedly, humorously, and innocently. I know that no one means harm in dropping playful hints about "when you two are gonna have kids." But there's more going on here than I think people realize, and I want to talk about it--not just on my own behalf, but on the behalf of friends, acquaintances, and strangers for whom these teasing comments are painful.

Of course, the main reason you shouldn't drop hints to your friends about their family planning is because having children is an incredibly personal decision that no one but the couple and deity have a right to weigh in on. But often, we kiddingly drop hints anyway. And here's why that can hurt.

1. They may be dealing with the early stages of infertility.
Roughly 6% of married women in the US deal with infertility. That's only 6 out of 100, but that's still more than 1 million married women. And that doesn't count unmarried women wanting to have children, or any of the women in other countries. Around 10% of men in the US experience infertility. But the numbers don't even really matter--the journey of learning about and dealing with infertility is a painful and personal one. And it's difficult to talk about painful and personal experiences. Your lighthearted hint about "having kids" may be well-intentioned, but to someone dealing with infertility, it's a little twist of the knife that's already hurting them.

2. They may be survivors of sexual trauma, which may be affecting their sexual relationship with their spouse. 
The statistics of sexual abuse are staggering, and may not even reflect reality, since they depend on incidents being reported. A commonly cited statistic is that 1 IN 3 women are sexually abused before age 24. So that means if you have 30 female friends, 10 of them have likely experienced some sort of sexual trauma. For some women, they are able to overcome and move on to healthy relationships with their spouse. But for some, the journey is longer. There are a whole host of physical and emotional side effects of past abuse--everything from emotional numbness during intimacy, to the confusing experience of vaginismus. Many survivors of sexual trauma have lingering feelings of shame that make their experiences difficult to talk about, so they often keep things to themselves. Joking comments about having babies may feel to the couple or individual like their experiences are trivial--making it all the more difficult to heal.

3. They may be dealing with other psychological issues related to body image. 
For survivors of eating disorders, or individuals with deeply rooted body shame issues, sexuality can be complicated and frightening. They may be working hard to overcome those issues, but it's not always an easy journey. It's embarrassing for people to disclose these challenges--there's a lot of stigma attached. They may be working towards having children, but trying to put themselves together first.

4. It could be that one spouse wants to have children and the other doesn't, and it could be a source of enormous tension. 
It seems like this is a less common factor, but it's certainly one worth mentioning. A huge life decision like having kids isn't easy to make. Big issues in marriages are hard enough to work through without everyone else commentating. Even if the couple chooses to ignore everyone's commentating, the simple act of trying to diplomatically ignore everyone takes a lot of energy, that could otherwise be spent on working through their own challenges.

5. Maybe they have decided not to have children. Or to wait to have children. 
Whether or not someone else should have children, or when they should have children, is not your decision. It's easy to look at someone's relationship from the outside and say, "Well, they'd be great parents! They shouldn't wait! They should just have faith and go for it now! Heavenly Father will help them! It's selfish of her to want to finish school first!" Etc. Etc. But it's not your call. The couple themselves know best. They've probably put a lot more thought into their decision than you have.

6. Maybe they want to have children, but are scared crapless about it and feel uncomfortable talking about it, because maybe it has roots in an abusive childhood or something equally challenging.
The things that happen to us in childhood stay buried within us for a long, long, long time. It's totally possible to break cycles of abuse, of substance abuse, of codependence, of any of the other things that make family life dysfunctional. But it isn't easy. The task can feel monumental to young couples who aren't sure if they can handle the whole "parenting" thing. And those fears are real and deserve acknowledgment.


So let's say someone you know is dealing with these or any other challenging experiences. When you light-heartedly joke about "when they're gonna have kids," they may feel like they only have two options to respond with: confession or silence. Confession is difficult, because there's no way to bring up any of these things without being vulnerable, which is hard. In addition, replying to a light-hearted hint about having kids with an honest "Actually, I'm dealing with infertility/sexual trauma/deeply rooted fears/tension in my marriage/an abusive past" calls a person out on their being insensitive for dropping hints in the first place, and no one wants to be the jerk who does that.

The jokes and comments and hints can make the journey of healing even more challenging for people dealing with any of these things. You may be thinking, "Well, if I had known, I wouldn't have made the comment! Why didn't they tell me?" But they shouldn't have to. They should feel safe in your friendship regardless of what they disclose. Teasing, making jokes, and dropping lighthearted hints trivializes the very real experiences people have, even if you don't mean to do so. People may interpret your comments as the message, "Your serious experiences aren't important to me." By teasing someone about something, you may be unintentionally closing the door on deep and meaningful communication. People who carry difficult things in silence often long for someone to talk to...for someone to help them carry their burdens and share their experiences. Being sensitive to others' lives can allow us to help one another.

I am far from being as sensitive to others as I want to be. And this isn't intended to point fingers at anyone. But the more I learn about people, the more I realize the deep need for kindness, for patience, and for listening. And I'm just trying to spread that message--it's worth talking about.