Monday, April 1, 2019

Between the Quotebook Lines

“Between the Quotebook Lines”

A short play in one act, combining Liz’s idea of doing a play exclusively using lines from The Quotebook and the improv game “Between the Lines,” in which one actor can say whatever they want, and the other two actors must only speak lines from the scripts they hold in their hands. The result is a somewhat non-sensical but otherwise delightful exercise in creativity.

Police Captain Rogers
Officer Bolton (whose lines are all excerpts from Liz’s Quotebook)
Officer Donahue (whose lines are also all excerpts from Liz’s Quotebook)

The police station in the fictional town of Pleasant Park, Michigan.

Police Captain Rogers sits at her desk, reading a magazine. Officers Bolton and Carlyle walk in, and Capt Rogers looks up to address them.

CAPT ROGERS: So, boys. Any luck on the robbery case?

BOLTON: I hang out with flowers, not in gangs.

CAPT ROGERS: I appreciate your reluctance to involve yourself in the criminal underbelly of Pleasant Park, Bolton, but this is the job.

DONAHUE: This will only end in tears. And a bunch of babies.

BOLTON: (collapsing into a chair with despair) I thought we were going for the tuba player, not Stevie!

CAPT ROGERS: Whoa, easy there, Bolton.

BOLTON: (burying his head in his hands) My bee-keeping days are over!

CAPT ROGERS: (looking to Donahue for clarification) What happened out there?

DONAHUE: (patting Bolton on the back) You’re basically a horrible person, but deep down inside, there’s a soft…something.

CAPT ROGERS: Donahue, focus. What happened? Did you follow the suspect?

DONAHUE: So. After waking up in the library, I couldn’t concentrate on anything because my shoes hurt.

CAPT ROGERS: I knew it! I knew they were running their operation out of the library! Can you describe the suspect? You said his name was Stevie?

DONAHUE: He looks like a cross between my grandpa and a dinosaur.

CAPT ROGERS: And Stevie is not the tuba player. Got it. Bolton, make sure this all goes in the report. Bolton. Bolton! Look at me. I know you had a vision of nailing this gang member via an undercover beekeeping operation, but it’s too late now.

BOLTON: I just blarbled up all my words.

DONAHUE: I just wanna punch him! Pow! To the moon!

CAPT ROGERS: Me, too, Donahue. Me, too. Okay, we know he has an accomplice. Did you see him?

DONAHUE: Alex is so adorable that dolphins get tattoos of HIM on their ankles.

CAPT ROGERS: Wait. Adorable-face Alex is involved?! This thing is bigger than we thought! Bolton, this could be big. What do you think?

BOLTON: I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying to think of things other than Star Wars.

CAPT ROGERS: (sigh) Me, too, Bolton. Me, too. Okay. If Adorable-face Alex is involved, we’ve got an in. If we can get another officer to drive a surveillance vehicle, we can go undercover and bring the whole operation down.

DONAHUE: Jason is the scariest driver I’ve ever met.

BOLTON: He drives the same way that he dances.

CAPT ROGERS: That’s true! Officer Jason should be perfect! All right. You’re going undercover, fellas. Grab your stuff.

DONAHUE: I get the crocodile suitcase?! Oh, I am adventurous, aren’t I?

CAPT ROGERS: You feeling ready for this, Bolton?

BOLTON: I’m so bad at miming. Whenever I’m supposed to drink something, I inevitably end up chewing.

CAPT ROGERS: Improv classes, Bolton. I keep telling you. Improv classes.

DONAHUE: (to Bolton) You’re just supposed to be sexy, not good at walking.

BOLTON: I’m gonna go buy cheese-bread. I’m feeling rich.

CAPT ROGERS: Yes! Gangsters love cheese-bread. It will be the ideal way to get into their hideaway. Okay, you two remember the rules of going undercover?

DONAHUE: Never trust a man who gives you ice cream. Unless he’s your father.

BOLTON: Babies aren’t for biting!

DONAHUE: Science plus music equals sexiness.

BOLTON: You can sleep on the bus, but you do have to get on it.

DONAHUE: Fornicating in New York City isn’t fornicating at all.

BOLTON: Anything with an accordion in the background is funny.

DONAHUE: If you wear junior high pants, you play junior high games.

(long pause)

CAPT ROGERS: Bolton? What’s the last rule?

BOLTON: (resigned) I’m not allowed to go bowling unless I take my medication.

CAPT ROGERS: I’m proud of you, men. Be careful out there.

DONAHUE: Good night, homo sapien.

CAPT ROGERS: You’ll rock this assignment. (gives them each a high five)

BOLTON: (to Donahue, as the two of them leave the room) Can you imagine being the person who first invented the high five? It just caught the f*ck on.

The End

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