Every time I see you from the back in that dress, you look like the Pope.

That's what Sam said to me today about my social dance dress for "Seven Brides" tonight. This blog will have to be super short because I have only so much time off-stage. This will just be a preview of the things I've been doing and the stories I have to tell.

In the last month alone, I have:

Made and set off bombs and various fireworks

Gone skinny-dipping

Got fitted for bras at Victoria's Secret

Gone hot-tubbing

Had a crazy dance party

Read 2 books that have made me acutely aware of the pain of being near someone that you love but can't be with

Eaten more fudge than you've ever dreamt about

Mentioned the fact that my sister is coming to visit soon at least once a day, and more often as her visit approaches

Put stickers on 32 boxes of West Yellowstone maps

Choreographed 2 numbers

Been a camp counselor and loved every minute of it

Thought about how much longer of a blog entry I'd like to write in the near future

The secret of success is to go through life as someone who never gets used up.

Warning: Ranty blog commencing now.
This all is probably somewhat exaggerated, and I'm probably just grumpy, but it's been a frustrating night. I have this stupid suspicion that people do not or will not trust me with things that they all feel I lack the ability to do. Maybe they're assuming that I don't want to or can't, but I'm sitting here writing this e-mail, because of the four or five jobs I've been offered or volunteered to do, every single one of them has been taken by someone who is no more able than I. It's just been stupid like that all day. "Hey Liz, don't worry about pre-show tonight, Rachel's doing it." I LOVE doing pre-show now. "Hey will you be the Plaid girl tonight? Oh nevermind, Andrea's doing it. No, actually she can't because she's doing attic tech. Melissa will do it." Considering the fact that I spend "Plaid" sitting around and I have friends in the audience tonight, I would have loved that one line. Would you like me to do attic tech tonight? "No, Catherine learned all of it so you actually don't have to worry about it anymore." It was MY idea to learn that stuff in the first place so that Andrea could watch her husband. "Here, I'll count the money, Liz. I have to count it all anyway, so it doesn't really need to be sorted first." Not that I can't be trusted to help bundle the ridiculous amount of one's into twenty-five dollar bundles.
I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE, IF NOT GOOD AT ALL OF THE THINGS THAT I WAS ASKED TO DO OR TRIED TO DO. And yet here I am, in Roger's office, nearly in tears at the fact that I do not feel at all like I'm meeting my full potential. If anyone has ever had a job where they felt they didn't have the opportunity to use all of their needed abilities, I know how you feel. I came here to the Playmill because I feel like I have so much to offer! Not only in performing, but I can do so much more that would be of value! I am experienced and in many cases talented in tech, cashiering, etc. etc. etc.! Grumble grumble grouse grouse!

Um, while I was writing all this, Christian came in and said hello, and apologized for kicking me out of the money, saying he felt bad, then came and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. And also on the bright side, I'm not sick or in the hospital anymore. I'm surrounded by wonderful people I love and who love me, even if they don't realize that the Liz they love is a Liz who is still half in the shadows.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Rock on, Samuel Beckett.

So I'm not sure what happened to one of the three audio blogs I posted a few days ago. It's floating around in space...it must have gotten lost somewhere between my phone and this site. Sorry.

I'm here at the theatre, with a few friends, and I got antsy, so I thought I'd do a little blogging. We came here to watch a movie on the big screen we can set up...the others are watching "Escape From Alcatraz," which is a great movie, and one that I highly recommend, I just wasn't in the mood for it tonight.

The other night, after we successfully opened "Plaid," the Merrills got us pizza (according to opening night tradition) and as we were sitting there, eating and talking and laughing, I looked around and thought "I am so happy and blessed to be here. There is nowhere else in the world I would rather be right now than right here, doing what I'm doing, with the people I'm with." Of course, I miss the other wonderful people who are a part of my life, and I miss the fun of school and the green of Oregon and the laughter of my family, but there is so much joy to be had in being in the right place at the right time. And I really feel that for me right now, that's here at the Playmill. I learn so much every day that I can't even keep track of it all; my journal is this random assortment of half-written entries and revelations. I'm making new friends, and growing closer to old ones. I love discovering who a person is, and to find myself caring about them and learning from them and finding ways to serve them.
I love looking into the faces of audience members every night and watching their expressions. I can't believe how many opportunities I have to touch people's lives EVERY SINGLE DAY. Everyone has that opportunity, but to do it in a theatre setting is such a different experience, and so thrilling.
And in some ways terrifying. I sort of talked about the whole "pretty" thing in the last entry, and it's a continual process of gaining confidence in myself, but its certainly coming a lot further than it was before. I had another growing experience recently...as some of you may know, I love to play the guitar. But I'm self-taught and don't have much theory knowledge, so I only play in front of friends. Well, J.D. is in charge of pre-show for this summer, and I told him I was scared to sing a pre-show song, and he told me to go for it. I told him that I really didn't want to sing, but if he asked me to, it would be good for me and help me overcome my fears. So for the first time in my entire life, last week I played the guitar in front of an audience. I sang "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" and accompanied myself on the guitar and it was terrifying, but wonderful in this surreal sort of way.
Tonight J.D. asked me if I would play/sing a pre-show number for "Plaid" for the rest of the summer. I accepted, and I'm excited for the challenge! I still get really nervous, but as is typical of me, I get more nervous after performing. Tonight when I got offstage and was putting the guitar away, J.D. came by and said "Liz, thank you. You have a great pre-show voice. It's just this really unusual, old-time radio-type voice that is PERFECT for pre-show. It's just really good, and it's a voice that people want to hear, and that audiences want to listen to. It's great." It meant so much to me, and I thanked him and told him as much, and Davie Walker added that he loved my preshow and thought it was so cute and didn't know why I was so scared. Anymore of this and I'll be a diva before the summer's over! No, I'm not nearly there yet.
In all honesty, I don't share these compliments I receive because I want to brag or justify my behavior or decisions. I'm just so thrilled and honored by them, and they mean so much to me that I want to record them as a way to better preserve the memory, and to remind myself of them, because more often than not, I forget or don't believe them.
We've had a few interesting conversations this summer about compliments. A lot of us really dislike "fake-y compliments." You know the kind...the kind that are hollow and rather insincere, but sugar-coated to have the appearance of kindness. Or the kind that you know are not true in the least, but sound cute and nice..."You're my favorite person," or "I will love you forever," or "You are the most wonderful thing since sliced bread." Those kind of compliments are really irritating and make the real thing less meaningful if you give those out all the time. However, I had to explain that I'm guilty of the words "You're my favorite person" sometimes, too, but for an entirely different reason. There are times when I'd like to say "I really respect and admire you and I'd like to you know that I share your sense of humor or your opinion and I'm glad we're friends and I really appreciate what you said or did just now." But I feel like I can't say THAT, and even if I do at a later time or more appropriate moment, I still want to express my love/appreciation to that person. So all I know how to do is to exaggerate and hope they understand. I'm that way with flirting too...I can't for the life of me pull off tossing my hair and whimpering "Do I look all right?" I can, however, grab someone's jacket and say "Marry me!" Underneath my exaggeration is always either sincerity or sarcasm.

Sambelina (one of Sam's affectionate nicknames...being at the Playmill makes you an automatic aunt or uncle to all of the Merrill's kids) just came out and reprimanded me for not watching the movie, so I guess I better go.

Au revoir!

"My sandwich is blowing."

Hi all! I'm sorry I don't have any interesting pictures to post. This blog will have two purposes. The first is the most important, and that is to tell those who may be struggling with anything from a broken heart to an ingrown toenail, that I LOVE YOU and I daily thank the Lord for the blessing that you are in my life. More importantly, your Heavenly Father is aware of your troubles and is anxiously waiting to bless you. Be strong and keep on trucking and things will even out.

The second is a sort of turbo-update of life at the Playmill. It will come in the form of two lists...

LIST ONE: PLAYMILL VOCABULARY (which is all mostly David Walker's creation...)
"glorious"--anything good, lovely, praiseworthy, loud, powerful, etc. Can also be used in the form "gloriousness"
"clump-holery"--the formation onstage that we are in a great many times in the show, when we're all just clumped together in a little tableau without any particular geometric shape. Synonymous with "group-holery"
"______ie ________erton"--a conjugation of whatever word you want, be it a name, action, etc. For example, "Rachel" becomes "Rachie Racherton," "Get in a group" becomes "Group it up, Groupie Grouperton," "Glob" becomes "Globbie Globerton."

LIST TWO: NUMBER IT UP, NUMBIE NUMBERTON!
Since coming up to West Yellowstone, Montana
1 Trips to the E.R. since rehearsals began
79 Approximate hours spent in rehearsal
2 Times I've watched Old Faithful go off
9 Times I've cried (happy, sad, in character, and out of character)
8,462 Times I've laughed
1 Compliment I've received that I will treasure forever
2 Parental lectures received since moving to Montana
6 Times I've listened to the song "Come On, Eileen"
4 Cast members that are currently ill
9 Moments I've wondered about a cast member's sexuality
14 Number of times I've fallen while attempting a partnered cartwheel flip
1 Number of times Ben has dropped me on my head while we were attempting said cartwheel flip
0 Times Curtis and I have done our jive choreography correctly
8 Times I've done the "Go Go Joe" choreography correctly
0 Times I've done the "Go Go Joe" choreography correctly while being able to breathe and/or sing
3.1 Harry Potter books I've re-read
7 Number of ferral cats caught in the theatre and have now been sent home to Jesus
8 Times I have been down-right astounded by things that the Merrill children have said
6 Average number of times per day that I sing a high G above the octave
9,742 Number of times I have thought of the wonderful people that surround me and how much I miss those that I'm not with every day right now

Well, kids, I think that's about it for now! Every day I'm getting closer and closer to having a phone number, so to those who are trying to reach me, keep those e-mails coming! Love you all. Rock on.

"You should put your hair in pigtails and wear lipstick. And bring a book!" --Maggie

By the way, Maggie is 5 years old. And that was her suggestion to my friend Curtis.

HEY I'M AT PLAYMILL IN BEAUTIFUL WEST YELLOWSTONE! This will have to be a short blog to update you all; I've got a thousand things to say but only 12 more minutes on the computer here in the public library.
We've just finished our first week of rehearsal, and I cannot believe how much we've gotten done. At the same time, we open in a week and a half, so I cannot believe how much more we still have to do! And as in the theatre world, there are a few bumps in the road...one of our girls sprained her foot on the first day of rehearsal and will be in a boot for at least another week, two of our guys won't be here until the week we open, and during those few days we'll be teaching them everything, two more of our number will be missing. So the first time we do the show with the entire cast present will be opening night. On the other hand, the reason those two more will be missing is because J.D. got called back for Leaf Coneybear again in "Spelling Bee," so he and Melissa are flying out to NYC for a few days. Wish him luck!
I am astounded at the beauty of my surroundings, and by the fact that I get up every morning and put on dance clothes to go rehearsal, and it's going to work. SINGING AND DANCING AND ACTING IS MY JOB! That's fantastic. Hard work...rehearsal from 10am-1pm, 2:30-5:30, and 7:30-9:30 or however late we need to be. But so worth it.

I'll be putting an audio blog up with more details later, so until then, love you all and I'm still alive!

"Oh crap, not hell again..." --Jen

This is Ben and Jesse being smarmy in their sexy outfits at Theatre Awards a few night ago. But with outfits like that, do they have any choice but to be smarmy?
So friends, I think this might be the last written, picture-featuring blog entry I'll post in a while. I'm going up to West Yellowstone in a few days for the summer, where the only internet access is in the public library, and heaven knows when I'll have time to make it over there. So we'll be doing audio-posts I'm thinking. But we'll see.
These last few days of the semester are so floppin' jam-packed with stuff to do and emotion and panic that I'm about to lose my mind. What little of it I ever had. I really should be sleeping, or perhaps eating some food (both to appease my hunger and to get rid of some food...less to pack), or cleaning, or packing. But I'm sitting here blogging and listening to my roomates talk and occasionally joining in.
There are several events that have transpired lately to bring me to the brink of emotional exhaustion...Kathleen leaving, Comic Frenzy's final shows of the year, Theatre Awards. Gee golly whittakers. All of this is putting me in this sort of grumpy funk...not much, just a constant underlying disgruntlement. I'm not really allowing myself to fully feel how sad I am to be moving away from friends and having to say good-bye, nor how excited I am to be moving away and starting this amazing adventure in West Yellowstone. So all of it gets bottled up inside of me and gets triggered by indirect things and comes out sideways. I find that if someone hangs up on me at work, I burst into tears right there at my desk. I really believe in fully feeling things, in taking every moment in, fully experiencing a good-bye. But it's tiring,and gets to a point of fullness that is impossibly difficult...it'll be a relief to be in West Yellowstone Saturday night, with hopefully everything else taken care of.
I wanted to include another picture from Theatre Awards...I went with Kathleen and Jen went with Jesse, and somehow all three of we girls ended up in black. A.K.A. in sexy.

I felt sort of like one of the wicked stepsisters in Cinderella when we left home for the Theatre Awards. One of our other roomates, Jenny, dressed us and did our hair and lent us her jewelry, and then sat on the couch in a T-shirt and gym shorts and waved good-bye. But it wasn't like that at all really, it only struck my fancy.
My mind is going in about 8 different directions right now, so forgive the helter-skelter character of this entry.
The most predominant thought in me head is the approaching summer. Just summer in general, really. I recommend the following things to fully experience and make the summer all the things that a summer should be:

Bonfires
Hiking
Watching good movies like "Lost in Translation" (Hey, you! Lip my stockings!)
Reading good books like "A High Wind in Jamaica" or "The Whistling Toilets"
Napping in a hammock
Going to Disneyland
Eating lemon cake
Frolicking in a rain or thunderstorm
B-B-Q-ing
Eating Otter-pops until you burst

Oh summer. You cannot come to soon. I eagerly await your balmy embrace, for you to enfold me in your golden arms of warmth and splendor!

I'm starting to speak in bad poetry. Time for bed.

And by the way, if you thought Ben and Jesse are sexy now, just wait 40 years or so....

"To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am." --Bernard Baruch

For the record, and at the risk of revealing my ignorance, I have no idea who Bernard Baruch is. But I like what he said about age.
And it's totally true. Remember when it was only adults--older people--who were married, had babies, graduated from college, had not just jobs--but careers? I still have trouble remembering that I'm on the brink of that age group. I have friends who are married, having babies, graduating from college, and beginning careers. Somehow its still make-believe to me...like a very elaborate game of playing house. I wonder if it will ever change for me? If I'll feel like this until I'm 80 and then all of a sudden realize that I've been an adult for decades? Hm. Food for thought at least.
Life is going well, and busily. The semester is almost over, Jared gets released from his mission tomorrow (wiggidy whack weird!), and once again, the speed with which time flies terrifies me. The last couple of weeks of the semester are packed with 2 jobs, multiple assignments from various committees, packing, and trying to postpone thinking about the fact that this is probably the last semester I'll ever be living with my current roomates. I'd talk about that here, but we've made this unspoken pact in our apartment to not talk about it until we absolutely can't deny it anymore. And then we'll explode with sadness and tears and promises and confessions. But until then, it can just wait.
Hey, 22 days until Playmill. We visited the theatre this past weekend. David Walker, one of the actors/directors of Playmill is currently in the touring company of 42nd Street, and invited this summer's Playmill cast to come see the show in Billings, Montana. They paid for the tickets and the hotel, so this weekend, we all carpooled and went on a fun roadtrip to see the show. It was incredible, by the way. On the way home, we stopped in West Yellowstone to get some measurements of the stage and take inventory of merchandise. It made me even more excited for this summer. Although West Yellowstone right now looks the way Rexburg did in January...snowbanks up to the tops of cars. They say it'll be like that until the end of May. Which makes me want to cry. But it'll be worth it.
I got distracted...I was going to mention that it was a ton of fun to go on this trip with the Playmill cast. We all got to know eachother better and got to be better friends. I especially enjoyed getting to know the few people I didn't know that well before. Catherine, way cool and a good friend in the making; and Curtis, who is a ton of fun and became my favorite person on this trip. Not just "my favorite person who went on this trip," but "my favorite person ever." Of course, there are several people in my life who hold that title, but that's just me and my casual use of language.
Okay, I think I'm back on track now. And now that I am, I can't think of much more to say. It snowed yesterday, which made a lot of us really angry, but its gradually warming up again as the week progresses.
In closing, Travis Gugelman, a local photographer, and also the one who does all the publicity shots for Playmill, has a little shop in Rexburg. He had a photo up in his window for a few weeks, and I just found it on the internet. And I want it to happen to me on day. What a great picture, huh?

Love you all!

"If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants." --Albert Einstein

A thousand curses upon my keyboard. I kind of apologize for the kind of boring picture, but I thought it added a nice sense of irony. Because I HATE my Mac right now. Not on the basis of it being a Mac, of course, but just because the keyboard and mouse have gotten to the point of only working approximately 2% of the time. Dad, I'm selling this machine. For as much as I can get for the evil thing. And then, after my several year haitus from college, I'll buy myself a new iBook and it will solve all of the world's problems.
Gee, this is sort of a grumpy post. I think I'm sick of estrogen. Not necessarily of my own, but just of being surrounded by it. Okay, maybe I take that back. I'm sitting around with my roomates and talking and I just looked over at Jenny, who was laying on her bed with two glue-gun sticks in her nose. Which looks amazing. As Jen added, too bad your nose can't get really hot.
Important update: I'm now single again. And it's okay. It was by my doing. I had an awful half-a-week debating and praying and trying to figure out what to do, and feeling terrible because I've NEVER had to break up with someone before. As in, like, dump them. But it was okay, he took it well, though not indifferently, and we parted having learned a thing or two, with a mutual agreement to avoid awkwardness and continue friendship. But I'm feeling a lot happier and less stressed and confused than I was before.
We had a last shindig of the year at Cindy's tonight. It was so great to spend time with everyone and laugh and banter and play. A lot of those kids are graduating soon, and I'll miss them like crazy. We, according to tradition, played "I've Never," and no matter how many times we play that game, we still learn something new about someone(s) every time. What a joy. I'm really excited about Playmill this summer. I love all those people so much. There was a really fun conversation toward the beginning of the night, a reminiscing of the greatest moments in Comic Frenzy history...what hilarious people I'm friends with. I feel so blessed. And I love Cindy. What a great Mom.
I've been feeling pretty blessed in general lately. I'm quite poor, but working hard, enjoying the things that I'm doing and looking forward to things I plan on doing in the future. I'm surrounded by wonderful people. I'm also really tired. Love you all, and I think this is it for today.

What the changes?!

I've decided after a year and a half to make a few changes to my blog. I like redefining everything every now and then. That, and I've got insomnia, and there's nothing worse for a slight identity crisis than insomnia. Perhaps I'll regret all this in the morning. Oh wait, it already is morning. About 3 o'clock in the, to be exact. Thanks to Jenalee Daines for the new title. She said that when we were about 5 years old, and its been in the family ever since.
Sorry to make you mentally or html-ly change the name of my blog. Or both.
You'll thank me for it in the end.
Love from an insomniac in Rexburg.