Spoiler Alerts, But Not the Bad Kind

Ever read through old journal entries and thought, "Ha! Oh, younger self, if you could only see what would happen years into the future!" Yeah, me too. So here are a few imagined "spoiler alerts" for my own life. Maybe I'll print these out, put them in envelopes, and stick them in my journals, next to pertinent entries. A little perspective for my posterity. 


Dear 23-year-old Liz,
That talented man in that play you watch during the summer will one day become your husband.

Dear 21-year-old Liz,
Jordan and Heather will get married, and even though the journey to that union will have been crazy, their marriage will be the most beautiful thing in the world. They will move in to the same apartment complex as you and your new husband, and during the summers, the four of you will occasionally cross the parking lot for dinner or games. They will name their first daughter Kaitlynn Elisabeth. And parenthood will beautify both of them in ways you could never have imagined.

Dear 20-year-old Liz,
Also, Jesse and Kathleen will get married.

Dear 20-year-old Liz,
The curly-haired saxophone player in your FHE group at BYU-Idaho will cross your path dozens more times than you had anticipated. Nine years from now, you will stand next to him in the auditorium of the elementary school where you both work, and it will strike you as surreal that so much could happen in nine years, and that somehow, your lives still occasionally intersect.

Dear 19-year-old Liz,
That girl in your Acting I class that you are so intimidated by will become one of your dearest friends. You will write her letters during her mission, and more than eleven years later, you will still visit each other, still text, still talk on the phone for hours. She can still make you laugh more than almost any other woman you know, and her testimony will anchor you when you feel unmoored. Her children will delight and astonish you. (Also, you will almost fail your final for that Acting class, because she is your scene partner but instead of rehearsing, you will talk, and when it comes to your final performance, you will both forget your lines.)

Dear 14-year-old Liz,
By the time you are 30, you will have written over 200 poems, over 700 blog entries, one memoir of the time you sold vacuums door-to-door in California, and 2 novels. You will be a chronic journaler. But I think you might already somehow know that. I think you’ll sense, even when you're young, that writing will be a part of your life forever. And you'll be right.

Dear 12-year-old Liz,
Seventeen years after you make a scrapbook about the Princess Bride and write a fan letter to Cary Elwes, you will stand on set with that very man during a film shoot. You will not have a large role—you will play an extra in a party scene for a political candidate, played by the man you kept a signed photo of in your drawer, your first "celebrity crush." You will hold a table steady for him while he desperately writes out the changes to his lines that Rob Reiner gave him a moment ago, and afterwards, he will thank you, shake your hand, and ask your name. Later, between takes, he will ask the crowd why yawns are contagious, and you will explain mirror neurons, which he will think is a joke, but which you will insist is true. Before the final take, he will make eye contact with you as the cameras make final adjustments, and you will wink, and he will wink back. And you’ll smile and be cool even though on the inside, there will undeniably be a small part of you that’ll be all “CARY ELWES JUST F***ING WINKED AT ME!!!!”


photo via

Audition Diary, July 2014 - present

SHOW/PROJECT: Damn Yankees
DATE: July 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “I’m Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” from South Pacific
OUTCOME: Called back, single-cast as Sister!
THOUGHTS: Felt TERRIFIED in the audition, but was confident in my look. Also read/sang for Gloria at call-backs--didn’t feel great about that, but I went for it with confidence. Dance call-backs = CRAZY HARD. Learned that I either have to take dance classes, or make up in character what I lack in technique.

SHOW/PROJECT: Marriott commercial
DATE: August 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: G&G Casting
AUDITION PIECE: Dance combo taught at auditions
OUTCOME: Called back, not booked
THOUGHTS: Fun, and crazy! SOOOO many people! A good chance to put into practice the thing I learned from the Damn Yankees dance aud--if you can’t dance it, personality it! Although the dance was totally do-able and not hard. I did have a conflict, though (rehearsal) with shoot dates.

SHOW/PROJECT: Les Miserables
DATE: October 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Oom Pah Pah” from Oliver
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt overly confident in auditions, but realized later that I was pretty bad...vocally, performance-wise, etc. Was admittedly (and stupidly) jealous when another girl got Madame T, but in retrospect, she works harder and brings it to every audition and every role, on a level that I don’t. I want to catch up with her. Spent way too long having a pity-party until a friend called me out on it. A good lesson to learn.

SHOW/PROJECT: Barefoot in the Park
DATE: November 2014
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Center Theatre Orem
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from the show (provided), read for Corrie
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Felt pretty good about auditions, but knew I had a MAJOR conflict by being single-cast in Damn Yankees.

SHOW/PROJECT: Over the River and Through the Woods
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: Sides from show (provided), read for Caitlin
OUTCOME: Called back (one of 4 women! for 1 role which would be double-cast!), not booked
THOUGHTS: Felt really good about making strong choices in the initial audition, and felt VERY connected with my scene partner in auditions. Although maybe “too” connected...it’s supposed to be a blind date. Also had to do that stupid line “Did I actually just say that out loud?” It's a line that I find so cliche, so I dodged it with a different choice. Maybe not the one the director envisioned.

SHOW/PROJECT: The Little Mermaid
DATE: February 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale West Valley
AUDITION PIECE: “Feed Me” from Little Shop of Horrors
OUTCOME: not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Decided on this audition at the last moment, and felt good about it for a few reasons.
Geoff (choreographer) waved at me with a grin when I walked in; also I approached this audition differently and less fearfully. Instead of “What do you want? Do you want me to be blonde? I can be blonde, what about height, I mean I’m a good height, but I can be meaner, do you want to see it again meaner?” I just thought, “I’m just going to do THIS piece really well.” And I feel like I did.
Also, afterwards, I felt aware of the fact that I wasn’t strictly following the music, which is something I should probably do in auditions, so they know I can.

SHOW/PROJECT: USPS In-house industrial
DATE: Feb 5, 2015
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting, audition arranged through McCarty
AUDITION PIECE: no lines, moments from story-board
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Had fun! I still feel amatuer at this, but I’m just glad to be getting out there. Took everyone’s advice, and just was myself. I made the casting director laugh, so that was a boost, even if I don’t get cast.

SHOW/PROJECT: Being Charley - comedy film (dir. Rob Reiner!)
DATE: Wed, March 11
THEATRE/COMPANY: Jeff Johnson Casting (through McCarty)
AUDITION PIECE: Sides (Cindy - hippy equine therapist)
OUTCOME: not booked
THOUGHTS: Not my best work, but not my worst either. They asked for two different options and I thought I gave them a decent contrast. Jeff Johnson himself was there and told me “Nice work,” and the casting guy recognized me and was friendly. I’ve got to work on where to look--NOT the camera! That’s my weakness--I treat the camera like my scene partner. But am I supposed to treat the reader like my scene partner? And look there? I should also practice in the car or something first--my first reading was sort of a “dress rehearsal.”
I asked around among industry folks--I should look at my scene partner. Looking into the camera instantly shows that I’m an amateur. Blerg. Might have messed up that audition a little much, but it’s a good lesson to learn. And I’m getting better at dealing with rejection.

SHOW/PROJECT: Into the Woods
DATE: Monday, April 20
THEATRE/COMPANY: Hale Orem
AUDITION PIECE: “Wait” from Sweeney Todd
OUTCOME: Not called back, not cast
THOUGHTS: Man, my voice is out of shape. Singing is like a muscle--and I haven’t really worked it in months. The song wasn’t in the best place for my range...the first half was golden, but I struggled a little bit with the higher second half. I thought about changing the key, but decided to keep it where it was, since the roles I'm most interested in (Baker’s Wife, Witch) are mezzo/soprano roles. I felt really good about my acting, although I fell out of it a little when my voice didn’t sound amazing on the higher stuff. I feel like I’m getting better at auditioning, slowly but surely. Or at least, I’m not getting as crazy-nervous and I used to.


Next audition: May 16th.

Accidental Tiny Fashion Blogger, or "Baby's Got Swag"

Because let's face it. My little sister, Beckah, had mad style as a kid.

She was also, as evidenced above, extremely photogenic.

Acting Inspiration: Melanie Stone

If I were a "real" journalist, I'd be starting this by describing the restaurant that Melanie and I are meeting in, and what brands she's wearing when she breezes into the table I've been saving for us.

But I'm not a real journalist, I'm a blogger. And I conducted this interview over the internet and not in a fancy restaurant. But I'm as excited about this interview as I would be if it were Jennifer Lawrence, or Tina Fey, or Cate Blanchett. I will never get over having talented, successful, brave, and beautiful friends.

This is Melanie Stone. Melanie and I met way back in 2009, when we were in a BYU-Idaho production called "Pioneer Song." (I had seen her before in a production called "Smash," but I was a little distracted at the time by another cast member in the show named Jacob Chapman, so I just thought, 'Man, she's good' and then watched Jacob.)

But then we did "Pioneer Song" and she really was fantastic. Melanie is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out, and her performance in "Pioneer Song" as the youngest daughter of a woman crossing the plains was heartfelt and endearing. We never got to work together as closely as we both wanted to, despite plans we made to film a short about two girls who discover a computer that's alive. (My fingers are still crossed that somehow, the universe will allow us to work together someday.)

Between 2011 and now, Melanie has managed to land some pretty awesome work, most notably the 3-part feature film "Mythica," in which she plays Marek, the magician's apprentice who scrounges up a handful of adventurers to save the day. (You can watch it for free here!)

And you guys. She's so so so good.

Like, I'm not even sure how I have a friend this good. I mean, she's up there on that screen with Kevin Sorbo, and winning "Best Actress" at the 2015 "Filmed in Utah Awards." See, look how awesome:

So, completely unashamed, I sent her a message asking if I could interview her for my blog. Because I want to learn from people I admire. And I figure that while I'm learning, the rest of you could too. I feel so lucky to know people like Melanie. Because going out and DOING this kind of thing takes courage. A lot about this industry is luck, or looks, or who you know. So it takes courage to just get out there and go for it...to be brave enough to put yourself in places where luck can find you, and to go out and create your own art when it doesn't. I love that about Melanie. I love that her career so far has been about just going for it. Even when she was skeptical. Even when she was discouraged. It means that even when I'm skeptical or discouraged, I can still go for it. It's inspiring.

I had originally planned on creating a profile kind of article from this interview, but Melanie just said so many awesome things that I couldn't bring myself to cut any of it. So here's the good old-fashioned transcript. Thank you thank you thank you to Melanie for doing this! I learn so much from you.

How did you become involved in Mythica?
I was auditioning for a smaller role in another one of Arrowstorm’s previous films, “Survivor.” The director of that film (John Lyde) recommended me to the producers of Mythica. I think it was a few days later that I received a call from them asking me to audition. I remember going in to their office and they were using a cell phone to record my audition. That definitely took the edge off, to say the least. Admittedly, my initial thought at that point was, “So this is the kind of project I’m dealing with." I was called back a few days later to read with another actor, and to be honest I was a bit skeptical throughout the entire audition process. I’m glad I was dead wrong on my first impression though; Mythica really surprised me. It’s been the greatest thing I’ve worked on so far.

What was your favorite thing about playing Marek?
This question is hard for me to answer. I’ve been asked it a few times and whenever I get done answering, I think “That’s not quite right.” So let me try and get it right this time.
I think my favorite thing about playing Marek was the fact that this was the first character I had really gotten to know and experiment with. It was the first time I had really grown attached to a role. Halfway through filming I found myself defending her all the time, on and off set.
On top of that I like how conflicted she is. She’s always struggling against this dark side, but she’s also spunky, sensitive, and caring.

What was the most challenging thing about playing Marek?
Making sure I was hitting the emotional beats. We were shooting movies one and two at the same time, and there were days when I would be in a scene from the second film and I’d realize, “Oh crap! That was totally a movie one Marek move!” She changes a lot, and I wanted to make sure I wasn’t playing the wrong emotion because of the whole out of sequence thing… like I said it’s a struggle for me!

It seems like it would be kind of surreal to see your face on all these posters, and on the big screen. What is it like for you? How do you feel when you watch your own work?
It doesn't really feel like anything. Ha! I don't know, I think I might be weird or something.
As far as seeing myself on screen, I usually feel uneasy about it. I had a unpleasant first experience watching myself in a theater with an audience; I was suddenly made aware of all these flaws I had and it almost made me stop acting. I thought I was so bad. Obviously I didn't. Now when I see myself I try to enjoy it for what it is, but I'm always playing the critic when it comes to my performance.

When you first started working on movie sets, what were some things that took you by surprise?
Shooting out of sequence. I mean I knew this happened, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be for me. I really struggled with it… I still do, but I’ve come a long way.
Also all the food! There’s so much food to eat! That was a pleasant surprise. I like to sneak crafty [snacks] from set at the end of the day.

How is film different from the stage for you?
Like I mentioned earlier, shooting out of sequence in film really threw me. In Theatre it’s nice as an actor to just follow the flow of the story; it’s not as emotionally jarring.
Sadly I didn’t really figure out how to truly connect as an actor until I started doing film. I would rely on really good mimicking of what I thought I should be feeling as my character. I was doing it all wrong and no one was calling me out on it. To be honest I didn’t even realize what I was doing was wrong, so when I started acting on camera, I kept on doing it. It wasn’t until I had watched a few films I had done that I stopped and thought “Wow…this is really bad. I’m really bad!” Film doesn’t lie; it’s in your face and if you’re not feeling it, it shows. So I finally went out and took some private lessons from an awesome teacher in Provo, Ben Hopkin, and he steered me in the right direction and taught me about the importance of connecting.
I really would like another stab at theatre I think. I can imagine how rewarding it is to allow yourself to be in the moment for the entire show and not have someone yell “cut” or “okay, now say that line three different ways."

What about acting appeals to you?
How much I learn from it. I’m definitely a more empathetic person because of acting. When I was younger is was all about the rush I got from being on stage and being told I was great, but as you get older you have to find a better reason than that...otherwise it’ll drive you crazy. To be honest, it still does sometimes.

What are some of your goals as an actress?
To always be challenging myself, and to always be improving. I think if I can keep to those two things I’ll be fairly happy.

Where would you like to be in one year? Five years? Ten years?
In a year I’d love to be in New Zealand shooting a successful Fantasty or Sci-fi series! I’m a geek so of course that would be ideal. Although, I’d be grateful to still be getting paid for this sort of thing in a year. If I’m ever in a financially secure situation I’d love to go back to school and really study acting, take some time off to really wrap my head around it. As far as ten years from now… I haven’t a clue.

What hobbies and interests do you have outside of acting?
Being in nature. Any chance, I make it a priority to escape into the mountains. It’s oxygen for my soul. Aside from that I’m constantly changing my hobbies. Right now it’s Yoga, last month it was sewing ties.

Who are some of your major influences and inspirations?
I mentioned Ben Hopkin earlier. He really is fantastic. I think I’d still be stuck in my bad habits if it wasn’t for him. I mean I still have so much to learn (and always will) but it’s nice to feel like you’re headed in the right direction. I have him to thank for that.
Also Gary Oldman. I’m trying to figure out how to describe what it is I feel for that man’s performances… just complete awe and respect. He makes me want to spend years and years just learning and honing my craft.

What advice would you give to actors who want to get into film?
Aside from the typical “Take a class! Get out and audition!” I would say this: when you get discouraged (which you will), create your own work; write, produce, direct—whatever other aspect appeals to you—and share it with others, even if it’s bad. I’ve learned so much from dabbling in these other things, and I’ve learned about acting while doing it. This is a tough career, and it helps when other people in the industry see how passionate and proactive you are.

Finally, what are some of the things you've learned during the whole Mythica experience?
This industry is not easy. I recently stumbled across a journal entry from my niave 17 year old self that said something along the lines of “I want to be an actor because you’re getting paid to do nothing.” Yes, I also had to suppress vomit when I read that. I feel so lucky and fortunate to be doing what I’m doing, but I work very hard, and although it’s rewarding I also deal with a lot of disappointment. It is, however, certainly worth it. So I guess I’ve learned that to be a part of this industry, you have to really care about creating; you have to one of those people who doesn’t mind working hard, even if you're not making large amounts of money like the Hollywood A-Listers...because at the end of the day, it's still all worth it. At the end of the day, you're there because you really wanted to tell that story.

The Quotebook, Elementary School Edition

I work at an elementary school, and it's true...kids DO say the darnedest things. Here are a few gems from the last few months.

"We are not a secret society. We are a society with secrets." - 7th grader, overheard in the lunchroom

Principal: Your hair is looking wonderfully frosted, D!
D (2nd grader): Don't talk about my head that way! I am not a cupcake!

2nd grader 1: I'm going to see my best friend that I just met yesterday at the library!
2nd grader 2: By yourself?! Have fun getting kidnapped.

1st grader: What time until lunch?
Me: About 25 minutes.
1st grader: What time until...butt cheeks land? (hysterical laughter)

Kindergarten teacher: Okay, boys and girls! I'm going to have Miss Liz come into our classroom while I go to the bathroom.
Kindergartner: Okay, but did we really need to know that?

1st grader: You're grounded!
Me: Grounded!? For how long?
1st grader: For a really long time. Until you're old! Until you're 17!

"Do you think old ladies are stronger in Minnesota?" - 1st grader

Me: (finishing a phone call)
1st grader: Was that your husband?
Me: No, that was my dad.
1st grader: You have one of those TOO?!

"Is it made of squares? I like it when things are made of squares." - 4th grader

"I love the smell of pizza victory!" - 1st grader

Kindergartner: Why did you wear that shirt today?
Kindergarten teacher: Oh, just because I like it.
Kindergartner: (expressing friendly concern) Well, you kind of look like a zebra.

No offense, Matt Damon

I started keeping an audition diary, to keep track of who I've auditioned for, and when, and how it went. Looking at the list, I feel simultaneously disheartened and inspired. I'm disheartened by how often I haven't been cast, but inspired by my own (possibly hard-headed) determination to keep auditioning. It makes it even more clear to me what an incredibly lucky break "Damn Yankees" was. It sort of spoiled me--I started expecting to be that lucky all the time. But, like almost everyone else in the world, I'm discovering that I've got to WORK for this. 

Lately, every time I don't get cast, I'm sad for a little while, and then I have a "F*** you, Matt Damon" moment. No offense to Matt Damon--it really has almost nothing to do with him at all. It's based on a story someone told me, which the internet has failed to verify, but which is inspiring nonetheless. 

The story goes that Matt Damon was doing a Master class at a university somewhere, speaking with the acting students, doing a Q&A, etc. Someone asked him about breaking into the business, and he started telling them how, realistically, none of them will make it. None of them has what it takes, none of them are good enough, none of them are willing to work hard enough, and they should all find something else to do with their lives. Everyone sat in stunned silence, and then one guy in the back stood up and shouted, "F*** you, Matt Damon!" and walked out of the room. And Matt Damon paused as he watched him walk out, and then said, "That guy will make it." 

So whether or not the story is true, it's a good reminder for me. Not that I should, like, cuss out the people in the casting room. But so often, not getting cast, or not getting called back, feels for all the world like a voice saying to you, "You won't make it. You're not good enough. You aren't working hard enough. You should find something else to do with your life." And to that voice, I say, "F*** you! I'll keep working, I'll keep auditioning, I'll keep practicing, I'll get voice lessons, I'll find an audition coach." I know I can do this. It will take time and frustration and hurt and work, but after my initial few months of shell-shock, now every audition that didn't result in being cast just increases my determination to be better. 

February Slump

Warning: There are a lot of metaphors in this entry. There is also some onomatopoeia.  

I spend most of the winter dreading February. It's the shortest month of the year, but by the time I reach it, it seems like winter has gone on eternally, and spring seems too far away to bear waiting for. In February, I start googling plane ticket prices to Hawai'i, South America, southern California. I'm almost afraid to get in the car some days, for fear I'll just keep driving until I'm somewhere warmer, or where the days are longer. Somewhere where the pavement is still warm under your feet at 10 pm. 

I always feel sluggish in February. Like I'm fighting the urge to hibernate. I understand, intellectually, that I should exercise or something, that going on a walk would probably help me, that my body is a tool to help me accomplish amazing things. But commanding my limbs to do that seems as futile and as pointless as telling molasses to do jumping jacks. I'm the molasses, and the natural state of molasses in February is sitting in front of the space heater, eating an entire cinnamon crumb cake and reading "Harry Potter." 

I called this entry "February Slump" because the word "slump" seems so fitting. It's almost onomatopoeia. "Slump." The sound of a wet comforter falling onto the floor. Who wants a wet comforter? Nobody. Slumps are the worst. 

This February would be tough even if I didn't get the winter blues. I've felt disconnected from myself lately--spiritually, intellectually, artistically. Just in general. And that makes me feel disconnected to everything and everyone else. I'm an actress feeling the "rejection blues." I almost never have access to a car, making any errand or leaving of the house at all a long and expensive ordeal of public transportation. Jacob and I work almost exactly opposite schedules, so the only time I see him is a brief kiss (if he's awake) when I leave in the morning at 7:30. (Seriously. I haven't talked to Jacob in person since Monday.) 

I recently re-read "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl." In one entry, Anne talks about feeling depressed, and how it would sound silly to the grown-ups, but she's really just a young girl in need of some good rollicking fun. I feel sort of like that. I need a rehearsal where we can't stop laughing, or a good session of binge-watching some television show with Jacob, or a road-trip to someplace I've never been before. I need spontaneity, and to ignore my responsibilities and pretend I'm 21 instead of 29 and get out of my house and under some lights or onto some road or just anywhere where people know me deeply and that's not this apartment where I sit and snack instead of eat meals and watch documentary after documentary and then go to bed at 9:30 and then wake up the next day to the same thing. I need to be doing THEATRE because I need to be connecting with other human beings without the small talk and theatre is the best way I know how to connect to people. 

Blergh. 

Looking at my circumstances, I can see that I have all the tools I need to help myself. My life is a good one, with good opportunities and good people. But that's the thing about depression. It doesn't take away the tools. It takes away your own hands...your ability to grasp and use the tools you're surrounded by. 

I'll be all right. I'm always a little afraid when I write things like this that people will worry. But by the end of March, as the days grow even longer and the sun grows warmer, I'll be less like molasses/a wet comforter/someone without hands and more like my truest self. Right now, I'm far from the darkness and helplessness of deep depression. Just a mild case, and I know it will pass. This is just part of who I am, and even though it's rotten, I don't think I would change it. 

So for anyone else out there in the throes of a February Slump, we've only got one more day to go. Spring is three weeks away. 

We can do this. 

Documentaries Part Two

More documentaries! You can find these documentaries on Netflix, Amazon Prime Instant Video, Vimeo, and YouTube. And all of these can also be found on my new documentary website!

Decoding Neanderthals
Definitely a "laundry documentary," but there was some really interesting info here. The more and more we research early humans, the more clear it is that they were more advanced than we thought. It seems that early man was capable of language much earlier than we originally thought, and created and used much more advanced tools.

Nature: The Gathering Swarms
Nature is weird and awesome. This would be another "laundry documentary," except it really does need to be watched to be fully appreciated. This covers everything from swarms of bees to schools of fish to flocks of birds. Together, animals create a unique intelligence that's greater than the sum of their parts. It makes me think of the human brain...how there are all these connections between individual parts that create a whole.

Everything Or Nothing: The Untold Story of 007
This was a cool documentary because it covered EVERYTHING about James Bond, from the books to the movies...an overview of the whole franchise. Here's something cool--it's really been a family affair. The current producer is the daughter of the man who produced the original films. They talked about the different phases James Bond has gone through and how each film was received, and it's place in film history.

Breastmilk
Totally fascinating. This covered the cultural and medical ideas behind breastfeeding and focused on the journeys of several different women in different situations. One of my favorite mythic/poetic ideas they covered is that in some ways, breasts are phallic. They give this life-sustaining liquid. The woman who made this point said it might be more fun to just say that penises are breastly. :)
WARNING: FEMALE NUDITY (BREASTFEEDING)

Frontline: Secret State of North Korea
North Korea is so crazy, but I think things are slowly moving towards change. I think it's going to be in the next few decades that change will come to North Korea. More and more outside influences are moving into the country (movies, music), and more and more people are openly resisting the regime. Government officials are turning a blind eye to free market business more and more often. The little infrastructure that remained in the country is crumbling, and the current leader doesn't hold the same religious fervor over the people that his father or grandfather did. Time will tell.

E-mail Order Bride
Laundry documentary all the way. This focuses on the international marriage broker business, mostly in bringing together men from the U.S. and women from Russia. It focuses on several different stories and covers the challenges and benefits of a brokered marriage. Here's what I think--I think there are a handful of men who do simply struggle to connect with women, and for them, this could be a helpful service. And there are also men who are jerks--who choose Russian women because they "haven't had feminism over there" and those women "just want to stay home and take care of their men." And there are the rare cases in which creeps who are unhappy with their brokered bride get crazy and murder them. But it seems that nowadays, it's a little safer.

To Be Takei
Oh I love this man. I love love love George Takei. That voice. That sense of social justice. That sense of humor. This documentary was charming and enlightening and made me adore the man even more. It covers his early years in a Japanese internment camp, his choice to remain closeted for much of his life, his relationship with his now-husband Brad, his career path, his Facebook presence, and much more. Awesome.
WARNING: LANGUAGE, SOME DISCUSSION OF SEXUALITY

Reel Injun
AWESOME documentary chronicling the history of how Native Americans have been portrayed in film. One of the very first motion pictures EVER was of a tribal dance--there are many people who believed that a main purpose of film was to capture native peoples before they disappeared (ominous). Native Americans have filled a gamut of archetypal roles since then, and it's only the last few decades that film has been truly representative, instead of just stereotypical.
WARNING: SOME NUDITY

Secrets of the Dead: The Lost Diary of Dr Livingstone
Laundry documentary, but with some decent cheesy reenactments. One of the coolest parts of this documentary was how they deciphered Livingstone's old journals. He didn't have access to plain writing paper, so he recorded his notes on the pages of old books, on newspapers, etc, using ink made from berry juice. Which meant that his words are incredibly difficult to read. They did a whole series of experiments to try to read the diaries--what they came up with was pretty darn awesome.

Jesus Camp
I'm not even sure if I'm ready to talk about this. I found it incredibly upsetting. But to discuss it is to tread a fine line...I can't criticize other religious groups if I'm not willing to let my own be criticized. And that's difficult. But the disregard of science among evangelical Christians makes me furious. I sense so much fear and anger among fundamentalist religious groups, and I don't think it's making the world a better place. I recognize that there are sects of Mormonism--break off groups that are the same way. And I don't like them either. And in some cases, well-intentioned orthodox Mormons can create a culture of fear and anger and fundamentalism, and I don't like that either. It distresses me to realize that a whole generation of the world's children are growing up in a world of fear, and disregard for science. And I don't know what to do about it. Shut churches down? Nope. Because I believe in the First Amendment. Ugh.

Bound By Flesh
Interesting documentary about conjoined twins who grew up at a time when Vaudeville and sideshows and circuses made a fortune in "freaks." This focuses a lot on their story, but also covers the history of the entertainment industry in general. There are some strange complications in the world of conjoined twins...things I hadn't thought about until I saw this documentary.

History Channel: Albert Einstein Documentary 
(I'm having trouble finding the actual title of this documentary, but I found it on youtube here.) 
Here's something crazy. Sooooo while Albert Einstein was brilliant at physics, he was not so brilliant at marriage. But here's how things went down. In 1905, Einstein publishes the general theory of relativity, which totally disregards Newton's explanation of gravity. Newton said that objects pull things towards them--and the larger the object, the stronger the pull. Einstein said that gravity was caused by the mass of an object bending the fabric of space, kind of like if you put a bowling ball on a piece of fabric. But it's an almost unprovable theory. There's no way to test it. So Einstein finally gets the idea to prove it by photographing a solar eclipse. If he's right, the stars around a solar eclipse will appear to shift slightly. So it's four months before THE solar eclipse that will either prove him right or wrong. He and his wife are on the rocks. Finally, he tells her that if she divorces him, he will give her all of the Nobel Prize money. She will take their two sons and move back to Zurich, and their support will all depend on that money. Which is a total gamble, because he doesn't know if he's going to win the Nobel Prize. It all came down to whatever the eclipse reveals. But here's the other snag. Einstein is German. The eclipse is only visible from Russia. And it's 1914. (Google World War I history...)

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The Pip With Pizazz

Warning: This post is 80% pity party and 20% inspirational. I hope. 

It's been two months since "Damn Yankees" closed. At the time, I was grateful for the break--November was madness and I was grateful to have a few extra hours each night to refuel. But now I'm getting antsy. I can feel my acting muscle starting to atrophy, and I'm getting desperate for something to work it out with.

And for the first time in my life, I'm dealing with rejection on a level previously unknown to me. I seem to be in the middle of growing a thicker skin right now, but I'm finding it to be slightly more painful and confusing than I ever thought it would be. It's slow at the agency, and I had laryngitis the last time they called me for an audition. I've done three auditions since Damn Yankees, only gotten a callback for one of them, and not been cast at all.

Which, in the grand scheme of things, is totally not a big deal. But to one who's spent the last ten years as a big fish in the little Rexburg pond, my ego is feeling slightly crushed. After each rejection in the last two months, I spent a few days feeling certain that I was the worst actress ever. Then I snapped out of it and started gearing up for the next audition.

But it is tiring. My feeling is not so much that I might be a bad actress. I do think that now and then, of course I do. I think every creative type occasionally feels certain that they're the worst ever. It's more like...it's like this: like I'm a bagel on a plate of onion rolls. Like I could wow 'em if they'd just give me a chance. I feel like this:



Which I know sounds a bit conceited. And maybe it is. I don't know. Probably. I'm absolutely certain that I'm no Barbra Streisand, but I know I'm a good actress. I know I can carry a tune. I know I can fake my way through a dance. I just really suck at auditioning and am completely unknown to almost every director in Utah. I gotta up my game here. I never realized until now that I've been half-faking my way through auditions for the last several years, just because every director I was auditioning for in Rexburg had already seen me and knew me. And that's not gonna cut it anymore.

And I know I'm not going to be every director's cup of tea. I do think I'm pretty, but I also know that my teeth are terrible and my nose is crooked and I have a weak chin and I'm prone to acne and I make onstage/onscreen choices that aren't always what they're looking for. But that's okay. Because I'd rather be successful as myself than try to be anyone I'm not. I just have to find the directors who want me.

I'm impatient. I want them to find me right now. To write "YES" in big bold letters on the top of my audition sheet.

The other part of my problem right now is I'm a bit picky about the projects I seek. I want to be paid for this. And if I'm not paid, I want it to be a project I really care about. But maybe I need to get over it and just get INVOLVED. Audition for anything that comes my way. Get myself out there.

Saying it out loud, I see how wise it sounds.

I also wish there were more opportunities than there are. I recognize that compared to Rexburg, Idaho, Salt Lake City is FULL of opportunities. But, well...now that we're here, it's apparent how unlike New York City this really is. If we were in New York/LA/Chicago, if I didn't get cast, I could audition for something else the next week. But here, it feels like FOREVER before the next audition comes around. And I've got my heart set on auditioning for certain shows that I really care about, which makes me reluctant to audition for other things that might conflict with them.

A good summary of this entire post so far is just: "Ggaah arghh someone cast meeee!!!"

So now that I've gotten all that out of my system, here's what I'm gonna say to myself. Screw waiting around. Just audition. Just get involved. And if no one is giving you opportunities, make your own. And give 100% in auditions. Don't fake your way through. Give an opening-night performance. The auditioners deserve that from you. And you owe it to yourself to do that. Because when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter if your teeth are terrible, if you have a crooked nose, if you have a weak chin, if your skin is prone to acne. If you're talented and if you work hard and if you audition for roles you're suited for, those things are so so so secondary. Don't waste your time comparing yourself to women who look different than you do, who have been doing this longer, who know people in this area better. Just be yourself and trust that the RIGHT opportunities will come to you if you seek them.  Keep working on your craft. A dry spell isn't the end of the world. You will have your time under the lights again soon.

Art Vs. Pornography: Navigating the Media World

I wrote about this idea a few years ago, but I think it's time for an update. Disclosure: I'm no expert. Just a girl with a blog who does a lot of thinking (and research).

Pornography is FAMOUSLY difficult to define. Supreme court cases on the subject have ended in vague phrases like “I know it when I see it.” Right now, the best legal test we have is the “Miller test,” which is limited in scope. In order for something to be considered “obscene,” it must meet the following criteria:

1. The average person, applying local community standards, looking at the work in its entirety, must find that it appeals to the prurient interest.
2. The work must describe or depict, in an obviously offensive way, sexual conduct, or excretory functions.
3. The work as a whole must lack "serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific values".

As an actress and a writer, but also just as a consumer of media, I’ve spent a long time trying to come up with a better working definition of pornography for myself. The Supreme Court’s obscenity criteria just doesn’t give me enough to work with.

After watching the film “Don Jon” and three seasons of the TV show “Girls” with my husband, we had a conversation about how to define pornography, and I had a chance to put into words some of the thoughts I’ve had on the subject. Since then, I’ve taken some time to create a more formal list.

MOST IMPORTANT NOTE OF THIS POST: I don’t want to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t watch—for the most part, that’s up to you and your family and whatever higher power you may believe in. You have the right to abstain from anything you are uncomfortable with. You don't have the right to tell other people what to abstain from. So that's not what I'm trying to do here. I just recognize that the line between pornography and art is not a solid one, and it's confusing to try to navigate all of the books and movies and tv shows.

For the purposes of this list, I’m going to focus on sexual acts, and just skip over nudity. Not all nudity is sexual. Some is tribal. Some is ancient Grecian. Some is maternal. Some is classically artistic. Some is medical. Some is just the human body being a human body.

As far as sexual acts in the media, here are some of my guiding ideas:

Of course, this isn't a perfect list at all--it's very incomplete and totally subjective. And something artistic can have aspects from the "pornography" column, and vice versa. But these are the ideas that have helped guide me in my decisions about what to read and watch.

For example, the film "Don Jon" is about a young man's deep attachment to pornography, and how it affects his ability to have meaningful relationships. Because of the subject matter, there are brief clips of actual pornography--stuff that straight up just belongs in the pornography column. But the majority of the movie isn't in that column, and the entire POINT of the movie is how consuming pornography can be harmful. Some people don't want to see the pornography clips, even if they're part of a more important message, and that's okay. But my husband and I decided that we were comfortable with watching it.

I've read books that I felt uncomfortable with, and books that I thought were fine. Same with movies, and tv shows. If ever I'm uncertain, or feel uncomfortable, I pause and take a moment to evaluate. Sometimes I'll decide that what I'm consuming is more on the pornographic side and choose not to continue. Or sometimes I'll decide that it's on the art side, but I'm still uncomfortable and choose not to continue.

And finally, there's the fact that I have agency, and I can choose to view something pornographically or not...even if it's on the "art" side, I can choose to follow through on any arousal I may feel. For more details on that idea, check out this post.

Happy reading/watching!

Inner Monologue/Mental Loop

While waiting for a cast list to be posted:

"Maybe I dreamed it. The audition. Maybe it never happened at all. I just had some sort of bizarrely elaborate dream that I went to a call-back."

"I didn't get cast. I just have to accept that. When I'm checking the website to see if the cast list is posted, it's just out of curiosity to see who actually did get cast. Because it wasn't me."

"I did pretty well in that call-back. I felt really connected to my fellow actors. I could have gone bigger, though. Could have projected, made bigger choices. Maybe I actually sucked? Hm."

"What do they want?! I can be flirtier! I can be funnier! What do you want--should I dye my hair? Wear more lipstick? Wear less lipstick? Whatever it is, I can do it!"

"Okay, but maybe I actually want to just be myself. I don't want to just be some weirdo who is so desperate for a part that she's willing to do or be or say anything. I just want to give myself. Offer that. Be centered and steady and confident and if I don't get cast, it's just because the director had something different in mind."

"But the director doesn't know me! What if I CAN do what she wants but she just doesn't know it because I sucked in the call back!?"

"Then again, if I sucked in the call back, that's my own fault."

"If I sucked, I am a horrible human."

"No no no, I know I'm not a horrible human. Just a horrible actress."

"Well, if I'm realistic, I know I'm not a horrible actress. I'm no Meryl Streep, but I know what I'm doing."

"Maybe I'll refresh the cast list website again."

(And also all of this.)


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