Currently...

Turbo-update...I ain't got time to finish all the detailed intellectual stuff I've got drafts of. Here's what's going on nowadays...

Current obsessions: 

1. My FitBit. This thing is changing my life. I'm gonna write a whole blog entry about it later, but in the meantime, know that I'm obsessed with it.

2. The song "I'd Rather Dance With You" by Kings of Convenience. This has been my ear worm for the last few days, and it has inspired multiple impromptu living room dance parties. (Other ear worm = "Deep Love.")

3. The podcast "Hello From the Magic Tavern." It is a gem of comedic improv GENIUS. If you have any interest in comedy or improv or stories or world-building, this is your thing. The basic idea is that a guy from Chicago has fallen through a portal behind a local Burger King, and landed in the magical world of Foon. But he brought his podcasting equipment with him, so he does a weekly podcast, along with his co-hosts, Chunt the talking badger (who's technically a shapeshifter), and the wizard Usidore. There are often other guests as well. Each episode is improv'd and it is so brilliant and it makes me want to just do improv with brilliant people. (WARNING: There is occasionally some language, and some suggestive material.)

4. NaNoWriMo. I'm deep into prep, and I have a rough outline for a story, and I'm excited to see where else it takes me as I write it.

NaNoWriMo prep work...outlines and brainstorming notes

5. Rimmel Provocalips lip color. A friend raved about it on Instagram a little while ago, so I went out and got myself two shades: "Make Your Move" and "Heartbreaker" and I'm in love. I don't know how it stays on, but it's magic lipstick voodoo that is NOT messing around. "Make Your Move" is really close to my natural lip color, but just adds a little "oomph" and it stays on ALL DAY. Kissing, eating, PUTTING ON CHAPSTICK. It doesn't end up looking all cakey and dry, either. Love it.

6. Acting. (Always.) I've had some pretty amazing screen opportunities lately, and someday I'll tell you all about them, but in the meantime, I signed all these crazy non-disclosure forms so I can't give more details until things are released or I'll get sued for billions of dollars and stuff. So that's been cool. I also had a callback for "Beau Jest" at the Hale in West Valley, so my fingers are crossed for that one. (I'll find out later this week if I'm cast.)

7. My non-glasses/non-contacted, LASIK-corrected eyes. It's the weirdest thing. I still reach for my glasses when I get up in the morning, before realizing I can see. I had a follow up appointment last Friday, and my vision is currently better than 20/20. I love it so much.

8. My nephew Benjamin. I watch him once a week, to give his mom some time to catch her breath and get stuff done. He's funny and imaginative and articulate. He's 2 1/2 and he loves music, going outside, Daniel Tiger, uncle Jacob, and rocks. (He like...really loves rocks. Whenever we're outside and he sees a pile, he has to go inspect them, usually selecting one to take home. He'll usually ask to hold a rock during his nap. Future geologist? Also, he usually asks me where Jacob is at least once an hour when he's at our house, and he's always a little sad when he learns that Jacob is at work.)

Current Non-Obsessions:

1. Thinking of really funny stand-up and/or Twitter material while I'm driving, and then forgetting it as soon as I have the opportunity to write it down.

Hope life is grand for everyone! Keep on keeping on.

"The first draft of anything is s***." --Ernest Hemingway

In exactly 13 days, I and around 400,000 other aspiring novelists will begin the epic task of writing a novel. In one month.

Since 1999, every November has been National Novel Writing Month, or "NaNoWriMo." The goal is to write a draft of a 50,000 word novel (about the length of "The Great Gatsby") during the 30 days of November. This means writing at a rate of about 1667 words per day.

Crazy, right?

Right.

As long-time readers of this blog will know, this will be my 4th year of doing NaNoWriMo, and it's one of the hardest and awesomest things I've ever done.

Because the point isn't to write a GOOD novel. It's just to pound out that draft of the book you always SAID you'd write. Because you can take 50,000 words of rubbish and edit it to make a novel. You can't make a good novel out of nothing. I completed my first novel in 2013, and just a few months ago, finished a draft that's good enough to send out to agents and publishers. Because you gotta start SOMEWHERE.

So who's with me?! If you're in, there are a few handy resources and tools that have helped me in past years. Here they are!

1. NaNoWriMo Website
This is one of the best resources. On the website, you can update your daily word count, join local regions and hold write-ins, get pep talks from published authors, and visit the forums. I LOVE the pep talks, and the forums are an awesome resource if you're feeling stuck. There's even a forum called "The Adoption Society," where people put unused characters, plot twists, and settings up for "adoption" to be used in other works. I'm "Lizanator" if you want to add me as a writing buddy!

2. Pinterest!
It might sound a little weird, and there's definitely a possibility of distraction. But I've used Pinterest as a place to gather images, articles, websites, inspiration, motivating quotes, and other resources. I've also got a bunch of "plot generators" and writing prompts, if you want to write but aren't sure what to write about. You can check out my "Writing Things Down" board here.

3. TickTockTimer
You can also just use the timer on your phone...any ole timer works. I use this for two things: timing breaks and doing "word sprints." If I'm having trouble writing, I'll sometimes give myself 10 minutes to write, and 10 minutes of a break, and it keeps me productive. A "word sprint" is the practice of pounding out a bunch of words in a set amount of time. Say, 500 words in 20 minutes! Sometimes NaNo writers will challenge each other to these, and it's a fun way to meet goals.

BUT WAIT!!! IT'S ONLY OCTOBER! IT'S AGAINST THE RULES TO START WRITING UNTIL NOVEMBER! WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW?! 

Because NaNoWriMo is easier for a lot of folks if you have a little bit of an outline. Or an idea. Or a half-coherent sheet of hastily scribbled notes. It's not NECESSARY. But if you want to participate, and you also want to plan, I thought I'd share this stuff NOW. You've got 13 days to come up with ideas. I spent yesterday afternoon mapping out the basic plot of my futuristic dystopian YA novel, and tonight I'll spend some time ironing out the kinks in the world I'm creating.

So, happy writing, my friends!

photo via

Child of Vision

I've been wearing glasses since about third grade. That's twenty years. Two thirds of my life. So, for my 30th birthday, I decided to get LASIK surgery.

For those who are unfamiliar with the process, here's the basic idea. The doctor uses a laser to cut a flap of your eyeball and then folds it over to get it out of the way. Then another laser "shaves" down the cornea, sort of the way you'd shave the lens of a telescope, to correct your vision. Then the flap gets laid back over, and it "seals" itself instantly. (The flap is never FULLY re-sealed, but enough to keep you from like, losing it through activity.) It's kind of like "tattooing your glasses onto your eyes." From start to finish, the whole thing takes about 20 minutes. There is a lot of other time outside of the operating room, doing tests, prepping, etc, but still, you walk out of the front doors about two hours after you walk in.

So, I don't know if you know this about me, but medical stuff kinda freaks me out. I'm working on getting over it, but I still get pretty nervous. The week leading up to the surgery, I tried not to think about it. Or if I did think about it, I'd think of it in terms of "a special eye appointment." There are a handful of things at regular eye appointments that are uncomfortable, but you just do them and move on (like that irritating glaucoma test). Here I am on the morning of the surgery, nervous, but ready to just get my "special eye appointment" over with:

And here I am, about half an hour later, laying on the floor with a pillow under my head because I almost passed out before entering the operating room:

It was easy to pretend that I was just going to a "special eye appointment" until they gave me the "YOU'RE BEING OPERATED ON" shower cap thing and put iodine on my eyes. And then my brain was all, "THIS ISN'T A SPECIAL EYE APPOINTMENT YOU ARE BEING OPERATED ON AND YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE OR PASS OUT AND THE LASERS WILL DESTROY YOUR WHOLE FACE." So I got a little panicky.  But one Jacob pep talk, half an hour of funny Twitter highlights, and two doses of Valium later, I felt good enough to step into the operating room and lay down.

The most uncomfortable part was cutting the flap. They give you numbing eyedrops, so you can't feel anything actually ON your eye. But they do have to hold your eye open with a little speculum* thing (a la "Clockwork Orange"), and then hold it in place with a little cylinder thing. It felt like something was...squeezing my eye. I guess something was. They did my right eye and between the pressure and the fact that everything went terrifyingly BLACK for a second, I started getting a little light-headed again, so the doctor/nurses let me pause and get my breath. We chatted for a little while about "Oklahoma" at the Hale, and then when I felt okay again, they did the left eye. This time I knew what was coming, so it wasn't so bad. I mean, it was still UNCOMFORTABLE, but not as terrifying.

Step two was folding the flap over, which didn't feel like anything (numbing drops) but looked weird. I could see the little tool coming at my eye, but everything just looked blurry. HOWEVER, this is also the moment that Jacob happened to capture on video. He could see into the operating room, and there was a screen showing my eye. I was going to share it here, but it was too small and blurry, so you'll just have to google similar images.

Anyway, then it was under the second laser for the actual re-shaping. All I had to do was lay there and stay focused on the green light above me while I tried to ignore the smell of my eyes burning for about 9 seconds. I distracted myself by thinking about how much the light array surrounding the green light looked like something from "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." Then they laid the flap back over my eye, which was extra weird because the doctor used this like...it almost seemed like a paint brush? To brush my eyeball flap back into place? I could see it but not feel it, and it was weird.

And then it was done! Here I am in the car, post-op, with protective shields and sunglasses to keep my eyes safe while they heal:

(My post "YOU'RE BEING OPERATED ON" shower cap hair is hot, right?!) And then I went home and took a nap, while trying to ignore the BURNING, STINGING, WATERING DISCOMFORT OF MY EYES. I mean, a couple of Ibuprofen took the edge off, but I was pretty uncomfortable. It felt best to just keep my eyes closed, which is why I think they recommend just taking a nap after the surgery. Anytime I did have to open my eyes (like at my post-op appointment later that afternoon), I looked like this:

But as of this morning, my eyes are non-stinging and WORKING PERFECTLY. I keep reaching up to take my glasses off when I get into bed, do my hair, change my clothes, put eyedrops in. It's the weirdest thing.

And I'm putting a LOT of eyedrops in. Steroids and antibiotics every 3 hours, and artificial tears as needed, which is like, every fifteen minutes because my eyes are the SAHARA right now. I'm pounding that Refresh like it's going out of style.

So happy birthday to me!

I know a lot of you like my glasses, but here's my logic. A) While I appreciate the compliment, my appearance is my own, and I don't always like my glasses. B) If I do want to wear glasses as a fashion statement, I CAN JUST WEAR FAKE ONES.

The only downsides to this business (besides desert-eyes) is that I haven't been able to wear eye makeup for a week, and still won't be able to for another week. Which, because I work in entertainment, sort of affects my audition and filming abilities. The other downside is that I've been working hard on my fitness goals, BECAUSE MY FITBIT IS MY FAVORITE THING, and the downtime from yesterday and today cut in to my momentum. But I'll talk about my FitBit another time.

Anyway, I'm now glasses and contacts free and I love it. If you've been thinking about LASIK, I highly recommend it. And I'm a wuss. So if I can handle it, so can you.

*Can we just agree that "speculum" is the grossest word in medical usage? 

"Because paper has more patience than people."

I have been keeping a journal for 17 years. A few months ago, Jacob asked me what my motivation for journaling has been. I answered with a lot of reasons--because I write compulsively, because writing helps me think through things, because I know it will be fun to go back and read about later, because it will be an important record for future generations. But when I thought about the first journal entries I ever penned, and what motivated those, I realized suddenly that it was the diary of Anne Frank.

I was about 12 when I first read Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl...one year younger than Anne was when she wrote her first entry. It is one of the most well-loved and oft-read books I own. I still have my original copy--I think I got it as a birthday or Christmas gift. It is one of the few books that survived moving to Oregon, my entire college experience, and various purges/spring cleanings. I've read it so often that I have whole sections of it memorized.

Anne articulated for me so many aspects of growing up, even though our worlds were so different. The feeling of being misunderstood, of being afraid to show anyone your better side in case they laugh at you, of having opinions and thoughts and aspirations that people don't take seriously because you are young. And I know I'm not the only person who felt that way--it's part of why the book has been so well-loved for so long.

Anne Frank's diary gave me courage as a young girl...courage to pursue my dreams and develop my gifts. Her words gave me confidence during lonely times, when friends were hard to come by, or when family members were fighting, or when the world just seemed too big and confusing to be a part of. The diary inspired me to write my own stories and experiences, and this blog exists in part because of that inspiration. This story is very very very dear to my heart, and it always will be.

Until this last week, I'd never seen any adaptation of the story. Not the play, not any film or television. I think I've been afraid of this enormously beautiful part of my life being...well, slaughtered. It would be heartbreaking to have this beloved story told poorly. But I finally girded my loins and headed to the Hale Centre Theatre Orem's production--an old friend was playing Dussell, and I wanted to see his work in this story that I love so much, and to see if the story could really be told on stage. So I sat in the 4th row and watched as ten actors told the story.

And it was beautiful. It was as close to perfect as it could get.

It is an astonishing challenge to portray people who really lived. And for so much of my life, I've seen each character through Anne's eyes...unfeeling Mummy, insufferable Mrs. Van Daan, the shy and dear Peter, the stodgy and foolish Dussell. But the play allowed me to see each character even more fully. Mummy only seems unfeeling because she and Anne don't quite understand each other, but they long for one another's love. Dussell is simply a man set in his ways, and having to go into hiding with two full families is hard on him. Mrs. Van Daan was truly happy when she was young, and her life hasn't turned out quite the way she wanted it to, and that hurts her.

(Part of me wishes I could have seen this show earlier, so that this blog could also serve as a review and a "go see this show!" But closing night was Saturday...oh, the impermanence of theatre.)

The script does a wonderful job of bringing Anne's diary to life, and condensing some of the most important parts into a 2-hour production. There were little details that I noticed and loved--the mention of the Westertoren clock, Anne's moment of talking about the window in her room, the giving of gifts. Anne gives all of these things a lot of thought in her diary, and seeing them nodded to onstage warmed my heart. And the script manages to capture the humor of Anne's world as well as the heartbreak--the anger as well as the love.

HCTO's stage conventions were also perfect choices (and I don't know whether some of these are specified in the script or not). The audience entered through the hidden door that concealed the entrance to the "Secret Annexe"--complete with a bookcase. And as soon as any of the "Secret Annexe members" entered the stage, THEY STAYED ONSTAGE. This included during scene changes (which were done through dimming the lights and a voiceover of one of Anne's diary entries, during which the actors would complete any costume changes), and during intermission. It was such a perfect convention--because the Van Daans, the Franks, and Dussell truly did have to stay there the entire time. Having the actors remain onstage and in character during intermission allowed the audience to see the way they must have spent most of their time, in boredom or in games, in conversation, or resting.

An enormous shout out must be given to each of the actors. I could spend hours singing each of their praises, but I'll just say that their performances were flawless. I think part of my love of the show was simply because what was presented onstage perfectly matched what I've seen in my head for all these years. Often when we dislike some movie or play, it's because what we see on stage or screen DOESN'T match our imagination, but this time, it happened to align perfectly for me. (And a big shout out must be given to Dan Anderson as well, for superb costume design. You've a good eye, sir, and your design heightened the storytelling without distracting from it.)

In all my years of reading "Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl," I've only read the afterword a few times. I know the story of what happened to each of the members of the Secret Annexe. But Anne's diary doesn't cover it--we don't hear about the events in her voice. So I've never had to really face it. I've never had to watch the faces of the Van Daans and the Franks and Mr. Dussell as they listened to the sounds of the approaching Gestapo. I've never had to witness their fear and despair as the knocking and hammering got louder and louder. And my heart splintered watching it.

Anne Frank's story is an important one, and a beautiful one. Not only because of the story she tells, but because of the beautiful way she tells it. In one journal entry, she writes:

“I want to go on living even after my death! And therefore I am grateful to God for this gift, this possibility of developing myself and of writing, of expressing all that is in me. I can shake off everything if I write; my sorrows disappear; my courage is reborn. But, and that is the great question, will I ever be able to write anything great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer?”

In the tragedy of Anne's story, there is such beauty in knowing that her dream came true. She goes on living, even after her death. And in her own way, she did write something great, and she became both a journalist and a writer.

I know I can't speak for them. But I feel certain that the real Otto and Edith Frank, that the real Mr. and Mrs. Van Daan, that the real Peter, the real Margot, the real Albert Dussell, and the real Anne Frank would be honored and pleased by HCTO's production, even if they would be surprised by it. I'm sure none of them expected their story to become so widely known, but I feel as though the universe gave Anne and each of her Secret Annexe housemates a gift. They get to have their story told, and they stand as voices of the millions whose stories we will never know. I left the production filled with gratitude for both Anne and her diary, and the world of theatre that brought it to life.

Whomp whomp...

Soooo, remember how I recently made this big, scary decision to pursue acting full-time? Almost immediately after announcing that decision, I was not cast in "A Christmas Carol." And that was...difficult.

Of course, rejection is always difficult. You kind of have to get used to it...it's an inevitable part of the business. But it's always a little harder with theatre rejection for me. With television or film or commercials, there's no cast list posted. There's no definitive "NO YOU DIDN'T GET THE PART"...you just don't get a phone call. And you're usually not Facebook friends with everyone else who auditioned, so you don't see them posting casting announcements and changing their cover photos to promo shots of the show you wanted to be in. And a television/film/commercial gig is something that lasts a few days. Theatre is a commitment of several months. And you usually only prepare for a day or two for a screen audition, since that's the amount of notice you get, as opposed to building your repertoire and meeting with an audition coach and rehearsing for a few weeks ahead of time. It's just a bigger investment to do theatre.

I also rely almost exclusively on theatre for my social life. I'm about 75% introvert, 25% extrovert, but my friendships are a very important part of my life, and I rely a lot on them to make me a better, more well-rounded person. I have no idea how to make friends outside of theatre, even though once I know people, I'm all right outside of theatre. But I also know that actors are generally busy people--most of us don't have time to "go to lunch" or something. So if I'm not in a show, I'm...watching Netflix. I could grow a pair* and just invite people to hang out, but I'm inherently sort of awkward at doing that. It's a lot to overcome that awkwardness to get to the actual bonding time. So not being cast in a show, for me, also comes with this added weight of not spending as much time with people I care about.

When it comes to "A Christmas Carol," there was also the added weight of finances. My budget right now will last me until the end of November, but if I had been cast in "A Christmas Carol," I would have made it until the end of January, for SURE. Without absolutely needing any film/television/commercial/background gigs, and without needing another job. It would have essentially bought me two more months to pursue this pipe dream of acting full-time. I still might get enough film/television/commercial/background work to keep me going for a few more months, but I don't have the guarantee I would have with getting cast in "Christmas Carol." And I sort of missed auditions for a lot of other things, because of conflicts with "Oklahoma"--I'll have to wait a little while for the next round of auditions to come around.

("But Liz, you have a husband who works! Isn't he the breadwinner? Can't he support you both while you pursue this dream?" Yes, I do have a husband who works, and technically, he could support us both, but I can't bring myself to let him do that. He's working a great job right now, but it's not something he is passionate about, and he took it because the EXTRA income it generates allows him to pursue HIS dreams. I can't, in good conscience, ask him to give up his dreams for mine, which is what I would be doing if I made him pay all the bills while I auditioned for stuff.)

Anyway, if it's not obvious by now, I just had a lot of eggs in that "Christmas Carol" basket. And right after making this decision to throw myself into acting full-time, not getting cast felt like the universe shouting "NOPE! You can't do this! You can't fulfill this life-long dream of acting as a career!" When you're vaguely terrified (which I am about trying to act full-time), any rejection feels bigger. Like you got shut down the second you tried.

But, really, I know it will be okay. It always is. I'm still sort of in mourning, but I've had a lot of good reminders that I'll be taken care of. Loving words from a good husband. Moving and profound moments in "Oklahoma" that speak to my heart as much as to Aunt Eller's. Sincere hugs in parking lots and backstage hallways. Encouraging words from friends. Little revelations that keep me focused and keep me grounded.

So give me another day or two to mourn and recalibrate, and then it's "F*** you, Matt Damon"** and moving on. I'm glad I've got so many good people in my corner on this journey.


* of testicles OR ovaries; both are symbols of power and courage
** see linked blog entry if you don't get the reference

photo via

Reminder: Walk Towards Your Mountain

It's been a while since I did this, but I've given the ole blog a little bit of a re-vamp. Partly because I like designing things, and partly because it used to state on the sidebar that I was a secretary, and that's no longer true.

After I lost my job at Alianza, I experienced this beautiful outpouring of love and support and kindness. I felt like I was grieving the loss of a loved one, and unexpected friendships showed up to help seal the cracks that formed in me when the school closed its doors. And now that I've had some time to mourn, I've also had some time to decide what to do next.

And here's what I've decided. I'm financially set for a few months--until December or so. And when we moved here to Utah, we moved here to pursue acting.

So...*deep breath*...that's what I'll do.

Full-time.

I'll audition like crazy--for things I couldn't previously audition for, just because my day-job got in the way. I'll do background work where I can get it to keep paying the bills, and to keep learning from being on set.

And I'll write. I'll learn more about how to get paid for my writing, and maybe publish an article or two.

I don't know when in my life I'll have another chance like this. When my circumstances are simply handing me an opportunity to pursue my dreams full-time, with so little risk. If, come December, the money runs out, I'll have a chance to re-evaluate, and maybe find something else to help make ends meet. But I want to, in the words of Neil Gaiman, "move towards my mountain."

In his 2012 commencement speech, Neil Gaiman talked about this great idea. He says:

"Something that worked for me was imagining that where I wanted to be – an author, primarily of fiction, making good books, making good comics and supporting myself through my words – was a mountain. A distant mountain. My goal. And I knew that as long as I kept walking towards the mountain I would be all right. And when I truly was not sure what to do, I could stop, and think about whether it was taking me towards or away from the mountain. I said no to editorial jobs on magazines, proper jobs that would have paid proper money because I knew that, attractive though they were, for me they would have been walking away from the mountain. And if those job offers had come along earlier I might have taken them, because they still would have been closer to the mountain than I was at the time."

And I've got multiple mountains, I think...but I know that acting is one of them. Writing is another. So the other thing I'm doing, come January is...*deep breath*...going to grad school.

I found a great, 2-year, online MFA in writing program at Lindenwood University. So before I could talk myself out of it, I applied. And last week, I was accepted. I'm vaguely terrified about the commitment (in time, money, effort). I'm actually still not even sure I'll be able to pay for it. So part of me feels crazy even posting this--what if it doesn't work out?! What if I can't afford it?! IS THIS A HUGE MISTAKE?!?! But I'm giving myself permission to go for it. And if it turns out that it IS a mistake, I can take time off, or drop out, or whatever. But this degree will give me two things: 1) a chance to improve and grow as a writer, to the point where I can maybe make money writing on a more regular basis, and 2) give me the credentials I need if I wanted to teach at a university level. Which would be pretty awesome.

So, uh...here's to diving headfirst off cliffs, and to building wings on the way down.

photo via

In my 30th year

Hey, it's my birthday! I am officially out of my twenties. And as per tradition, here's an update on how I did on this past year's goals, as well as my new list of goals!

Tuesday, September 8:

6 done, 1 in progress/incomplete, 2 incomplete

1. Write thank you letters to 10 people who have influenced me for good.
I've always been a believer in giving compliments. There's this quote that kind of drives my philosophy on this: Don't say "I love you" unless you mean it, but if you mean it, you should say it. And I've been really aware of the good people in my life lately, so they deserve to know it.
DONE. This isn't exactly what I had in mind when I wrote this goal, but I'm going to count writing thank you notes for the cast of Damn Yankees. Because there were more than 10 of them, and they definitely influenced me for good. And I wrote them thank you letters. 

2. Complete all of the required Value Experiences for each of the Young Women Values in the Personal Progress program.
A few weeks ago, I was thinking, "I wish there was some sort of spiritual program for personal development in the Church, that's really specific." And then I realized that there is one! I completed Personal Progress over 10 years ago, but the program has changed since then and I'm excited to give it a go, and see what new things I can learn and experience.
DONE! 
Faith #1 - Establish pattern of consistent prayer (three weeks) DONE
Faith #2 - Thoughts on motherhood DONE
Faith #3 - Plan an FHE lesson DONE
Divine Nature #1 - Thoughts on developing divine qualities DONE
Divine Nature #2 - Interview mothers, develop attributes (two weeks) DONE
Divine Nature #3 - Improve relationship with a family member (two weeks) DONE
Individual Worth #1 - Thoughts on Heavenly Father's love DONE
Individual Worth #2 - Study patriarchal blessings DONE
Individual Worth #3 - Acknowledge worth of others (two weeks) DONE
Knowledge #1 - Thoughts on knowledge DONE
Knowledge #2 - Learn a new skill to help family DONE
Knowledge #3 - Memorize Article of Faith number thirteen, attend artistic/cultural event DONE
Choice and Accountability #1 - Establish pattern of regular scripture study (two weeks) DONE
Choice and Accountability #2 - Study For the Strength of Youth and live by it (three weeks) DONE
Choice and Accountability #3 - Discuss blessings and responsibilities of agency DONE
Good Works #1 - Acknowledge service in others (two weeks) DONE (see blog about it here)
Good Works #2 - Plan meals and share mealtimes (two weeks) DONE
Good Works #3 - Comfort and uplift others DONE
Integrity #1 - Establish and live by standards (one month) DONE
Integrity #2 - Self assessment DONE
Integrity #3 - Study integrity and record experience in journal DONE
Virtue #1 - Study and record thoughts on chastity DONE
Virtue #2 - Study and record thoughts on Holy Ghost DONE
Virtue #3 - Study Alma 5 and answer questions DONE
Virtue #4 - Focus on sacrament DONE

3. Get $2300 into savings.
This is about 3 months worth of living expenses. One thing I'm learning as we plunge into the world of professional acting is that while the money can be decent, it's not often consistent. Having some money in savings to help through the lean times is a good idea no matter what, but ESPECIALLY if you're acting for a living.
INCOMPLETE! *whomp whomp*
Deadline = June 15th
$210.02 as of February 25th
$260.03 as of March 2nd
$500 as of May 23rd
$1000 as of June 14th
But it will be okay! Another plan is in place! 

4. Some sort of work out goal. 
Okay, I know I'm being vague, which is lame sauce. I just don't know exactly what kind of work out goal I want to pursue yet. I'll update you as soon as I decide.
DONE! I came up with the 30/30/30 challenge. Here's the idea. You and one other person each agree to do 30 crunches a day for 30 days. If either of you misses a day, you owe your challenge partner $30. Exceptions to missing a day include grave bodily injury/illness. I challenged my sister-in-law, Camilla. And totally won. 

5. Do 3 PBS Art Assignments.
The Art Assignment is a weekly youtube show through PBS, hosted by Sarah Green. It highlights different contemporary artists and their work, and then they give you an "assignment" to participate in art inspired by their own work. You can post responses on youtube, or just enjoy the experience.
IN PROGRESS!/INCOMPLETE! 
1. "Stacked Books" 
2. "The One That Got Away" (Here's a link to the assignment video. I've chosen not to share my contribution to this project here. I didn't use any names, but since it involves another person, I felt it was best to keep it anonymous. You can watch an update video about future plans for the project here, and you can listen to a preview of the planned podcast here.)
3. INCOMPLETE! *whomp whomp* But 2 outta 3 ain't bad! 

6. Finish editing my YA novel and submit it for publication
Uuuugggghhhhh I don't want to. I want to work on my NEXT story. But I'm almost done editing the YA novel I wrote for NaNoWriMo, and then I want to send it out into the world. Ideally, I want to have a final draft before this November, so I can do NaNoWriMo again without having TWO stories running around my head.
DONE. Submitted to one Salt Lake City-based literary agent as of 10:46 pm on July 1st. If they choose not to take me and my little story on, I'll keep submitting to other agencies, local and remote. Now the waiting game. 
Mansion Street Literary Management - submitted July 1, 2015 (rejected July 11, 2015)
Gateway Literary - submitted July 20, 2015 (still haven't heard back as of September 8th, 2015)

7. Poem a day for a month
I'm a big believer that regular practice will improve your skills in something more than anything else. I haven't been writing a whole lot of poetry for the last couple of years, so I want to give this a shot. I know that some of the poems will not be great. But that's not the point. The point is to just do it!
REVISED AND DONE. I'm counting NaNoWriMo for this one. Because that's a helluva lot of writing. And besides, I wrote a lot of poetry on my own anyway. I just wanted to have a writing goal. 

8. Take a community class in something (fencing, aerial silks, painting, etc)
I live in a place with community classes available! So I want to take advantage of them!
DONE! I took an awesome Intro to Aerial Arts class, which included aerial silks and trapeze. I loved the aerial silks, but trapeze was tough. Actually, all of it was tough...I was so sore sometimes after classes. But it was such a blast. I feel like I could barely do most things, but I really enjoyed myself. 

9. Pose nude for an art class
This is something that's been on my bucket list for a long time. And I debated for a really long time about it. As a member of the LDS Church, I wasn't sure how "okay" this was. But after doing a lot of thinking and researching and reasoning, here's why I want to do it. I want to experience the vulnerability of it. I want to use it as an exercise in courage. But I also want to do it because art students need bodies, and I've got one. And here's why it's okay. Figure drawing classes are not about sexuality. And as much as the media begs to differ, the naked body is not purely sexual. I'm not posing for pornography. I trust the men and women in any figure drawing class to be focused on their art. And I believe it's important for artists to learn figure drawing from the nude body...it's an important skill in creating good art. (For a great perspective on the LDS Gospel and nudity in art, check out this blog entry from an LDS artist.)
INCOMPLETE! *whomp whomp*
But I am still interested in doing this, so I'm going to add this to my things to do during my 30th year. 


And as for my 30th year of life, here's what I've got on my to-do list:

1. Create and distribute a zine!
Remember zines? I've been digging the idea of mixed media lately, and as a child of the 80s/90s, this seems like something I should do.

2. Non-paper Poetry Project (at least ten poems)
A month ago or so, I was sitting in a restaurant with a few friends, and a poem came to mind, so I scribbled it onto a napkin. The imperfection of it appealed to me...the unfinished nature of it, and how it captured both the poem and the setting in which I wrote it. So here's my idea: write at least 10 poems on anything but regular paper--napkins, cardboard, trash, cloth, etc. Then take a picture of it and at the end, put all the pictures together in a collection.

3. Reduce BMI (body mass index) from 23.2 to 19.7 (goal weight = 115…down 20 pounds from current weight of 135)
My current BMI is totally in the healthy range. So is my goal BMI. So why bother with this goal? My reasoning is this: I spend a lot more time on camera nowadays, and it really does add ten pounds. Also, most of the work out goals I've had are things like "complete this many things." And after I complete them, I stop working out. I think it will help me to have an end goal...to make my goal "results-based." PLUS, this goal combines both exercise and diet.

4. Run a 10-minute mile, 3 separate times
I know I just talked about these kinds of goals, but look, this is sort of PART of the above goal. And I want to do it. I know a 10-minute mile seems absurdly slow. But I'm absurdly slow.

5. Go without soda for 1 month

Bleeeeggghhh. I hear this is really good for you. I just really like the carbonation. I don't even drink soda very often...maybe once or twice a week? Still. Maybe worth giving up.  

6. Go on 5 new hikes
Every time I go hiking, I think to myself, "I've got to do this more often." And now that I live in a place where I'm surrounded by HUNDREDS of hiking opportunities, I'm going to hike more often.

7. Nude modeling
I never got to this goal for my 29th year, but I'm still interested in it. I want to be a model for a figure-drawing class.

8. Get paid to write at least one thing (published online, in a magazine, etc)
I have no idea how this is done. But I want to figure it out and do it.

9. Complete temple work for 3 family names (baptisms, confirmations, initiatories, endowments, sealings)
Hooray for the spirit of Elijah!

10. Go stargazing
I do this all the time, just in the sense that I look up every time I'm outside at night. But I want to actually go out to someplace with little light pollution with the express purpose of looking at the stars.

Things I Have Loved About My 20s

I made a decision as a teenager to just enjoy my age, no matter what it was. I never wanted to be someone who pretended she was younger or older than she was...who turned "39" at every birthday after 40. I want to just embrace whatever age I am.

And now I'm approaching 30. I've got roughly a week and a half left of being 29, and then it will be September 8th, and I'll be leaving my twenties behind forever. And I find I don't even really have to try to embrace my age. I really enjoyed my twenties. I think I'll enjoy my thirties, too.

Of course, there are things about my twenties that I think I'll miss. Everything was a lot more dramatic throughout my twenties, it seems. Every decision was life-altering! Every love was a great love! Every friendship was an eternal friendship! Life was a non-stop adventure! As a Latter-day Saint, my adventures were probably pretty "vanilla." But I still had some good times, some of which are probably somewhat universal. Things like:

Staying up all night talking to someone, sleeping for a few hours after the sun rises, and then going to work/class despite the fact that you're barely awake.

Making plans with friends to visit a natural hot springs and then ending up in a casino on an Indian Reservation, in your bathing suits, during a blizzard. (No? Just me? Oh...)

Streaking. Flashing. Skinny-dipping. Almost anything involving nudity. I feel like it becomes less acceptable as you get older. Maybe it becomes more fun, though. I'll keep you posted. (I am, after all, naked, but not stupid...)

Making out with someone and then thinking, "Wait. Maybe that was stupid." (And usually being right.)

Eating really poorly, and totally getting away with it. I'm now almost 15 pounds heavier than I was when Jacob and I got married. My 24-year-old metabolism was working a lot better than my current one is.

Making mixed CDs and listening to them while taking long walks alone at night. I did this ALL THE TIME when I was at BYU-Idaho. I miss it sometimes, but I don't live in as safe a neighborhood nowadays. And I don't have quite the same need to go on those long walks now...I have less I need to figure out and ruminate on.

Having roommates. Sharing the bathroom, berating each other for not doing the dishes, making blanket forts, watching movies. And sharing clothes! Man, I miss having like 3 additional closets worth of clothes to choose from.

Not behaving like a responsible adult in stores--toy stores, grocery stores. This could mean both running around and being loud and obnoxious in general...it could also mean spending $40 on Nerf gun supplies. 

Being able to go out dancing, and having much more stamina than you will have later in life. 

Accepting bizarre circumstances without really questioning them. In my twenties, I made friends by wandering into their apartments at some point in the evening. I made friends by smearing chocolate on someone's face during a party.  

I feel like ages 20 - 29 is characterized by the thought, "Wait. How did I get here?" (Both literally and metaphorically.) I remember thinking that thought every now and then during college. It was rarely anything extraordinary, but it was sometimes odd enough that I'd think, "Wait. How did I end up at a grocery store at 11:57 at night with the saxophonist of this jazz combo, with a package of toilet paper and a bottle of sparkling cider in my arms?" Or, "Wait. How did I end up at a bonfire in the sand dunes with no shoes, along with this female drummer and some guy from Brazil named Luis?" Or, "Wait. How did I end up wandering through a graveyard after riding her on the back of this guy's motorcycle?" (All true stories, by the way.)

And there were also times when the question "How did I get here?" went a little deeper. Times when I thought, "How did I end up being kicked out of student housing and on academic probation?" Or "How did I get to be alone like this?" But they weren't all negative. There were times after Our Town rehearsals my freshman year, when I would sneak back into the theatre and stand on the empty stage, looking out at all the seats and thinking, "How did I get here? What wonderful thing could I have possibly done to be this lucky? That I get to do this?" Or when I would sit among laughing friends at the Dairy Queen after a Comic Frenzy show and think, "How did I get so many amazing people to be in my life? How could one person be so blessed, to be surrounded by such wonderful friends?"

And I still think those things now and then. As I move out of my twenties and into my thirties, I know there's still a lot of adventure, and a lot of good times, and a lot of bad times, and a lot of strange times ahead. But I feel like I've slowly been moving from turmoil to contentment.

So here's to my fourth decade on earth. I think it will be a good one.

#IStandWithPlannedParenthood

Anyone who follows me on Instagram probably saw this post from Tuesday night:

Here is the promised blog entry.

So for those who don't know, here's what's going on. I won't get into all the details--I encourage you to research on your own. But the reader's digest version is this: A conservative pro-life group called Center for Medical Progress recently went undercover and shot a bunch of surveillance type videos of Planned Parenthood executives discussing the sale of fetal tissue for medical research. They edited and released the videos, and everyone freaked out and then the governor of Utah decided that Planned Parenthood should stop receiving federal funds.

So on Tuesday, activists gathered on the front steps of the state capitol to show their support for Planned Parenthood with a press conference, a rally, speakers, signs and banners, and letters to the governor. And here's why I went and stood with Planned Parenthood too.

1. Because the Center for Medical Progress is less trustworthy than Planned Parenthood. 

Maybe I'm a little biased here. But I've done a lot of research, and here's what I've found.

After a lot of investigation, it seems that the Center for Medical Progress did some deceptive editing of their videos, which included everything from possibly fabricating specific statements, to using photographs of stillborn children without their parents' knowledge or consent.

Five states have completed investigations into Planned Parenthood's practices and have found no evidence of wrongdoing.

Furthermore, even if one or two executives of Planned Parenthood seem cavalier, they do not represent the organization as a whole.

And finally, you know...a "sting" like this one seems an awful lot like entrapment. Which, to me, seems just as worthy of ethical examination as abortion.*

2. Because fetal tissue research has improved the lives of millions. 

The idea of aborted fetal tissue being used for medical research might make you feel a little squeamish. That's okay. The idea of an IV makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.** But that feeling alone isn't enough to justify withholding federal funds.

Fetal tissue research has provided huge strides in developing treatment for AIDS, spinal cord injuries, molecular degeneration, and cancer. It has been key to developing vaccines for polio, rubella, varicella (chicken pox), Hepatitis A, ebola, and other diseases.

The process of obtaining fetal tissue through abortions is filled with checks and balances. A woman must finalize her decision to abort before tissue donation is discussed. The fetal tissue must be donated with the knowledge and consent of the patient. No financial profit can be made--any costs are associated with the storage and transportation of tissue. And, this is going to sound harsh or cold-hearted, but the reality is that fetal tissue donation makes good and positive and life-improving use of tissue that would otherwise simply be disposed of.

3. Because the issue of abortion is complicated. 

From an LDS perspective, abortion is actually kind of a complicated issue. The Church's official stance is that abortion isn't okay EXCEPT in cases of rape or incest or when the life of the mother is endangered. So...I see the Church's stance as sort of "limited pro-choice." In general, Church members are strongly discouraged from seeking abortions, but there are special cases in which it may be appropriate.

I don't think abortion will ever be a clear-cut issue as long as the point at which an embryo or a fetus becomes a "human being" is unclear. From an LDS perspective, the doctrine doesn't specify. The closest we have is a quote from Brigham Young, saying that the spirit enters the child's body when the mother feels it does. Which implies that it happens at a different time for every fetus. Which doesn't give any guidance as to when abortions should or shouldn't happen.

The sanctity of life is something I take very seriously. But that also includes the sanctity of a woman's life.

4. Because Planned Parenthood does amazing and important work. 

I am pro-choice. Please note that I am not necessarily pro-abortion. I do not think abortion should be used as a form of birth control. But Roe vs. Wade (the legalization of abortion in the US) was not the beginning of women getting abortions. It was the end of women dying from unregulated abortions. Abortion has existed since the beginning of recorded history. As long as unplanned or unwanted pregnancies exist, women will seek ways to abort. Providing safe and affordable and legal options keeps more women alive and healthy.

Here's what it truly comes down to. Know what causes abortions? (Hint: The answer is not access to abortions.) Unwanted and unplanned pregnancies. And know what causes unwanted and unplanned pregnancies? Lack of education. Lack of counseling. Lack of access to healthcare. Lack of access to birth control.

Abortion would be way less of an issue if we focused on comprehensive sex education, including consent, contraception, and the emotional factors of sex.

Abortion would be way less of an issue if we made contraception widely available and widely affordable. Telling people who can't afford it to "get a better job" or "get a better education" or "get better insurance" or "stop having sex" is ignoring the complexity of poverty and denying human beings reasonable and basic human desires.

Planned Parenthood provides all of the things that reduce unplanned and unwanted pregnancies. It is an organization that provides healthcare, counseling, advocacy, education, and outreach at little or no cost to the community members it serves. Medicaid, WIC, school health classes, and/or home environments cannot adequately replace this. Assuming that they can is a demonstration of privilege that not everyone has.

That's why I was there Tuesday night. That's why I sign petitions and write letters and blog. Because Planned Parenthood does so much good for so many people. To me, that's worth saving. And I'm glad that it's worth saving to at least 300 other Utahans, too.

* I'm not saying that entrapment is the same thing as abortion or the sale of fetal tissue. I'm just saying that both of them should be questioned, ethically speaking. 

** Again, I'm not saying IVs and aborted fetus tissue research are the same thing. I'm referring to the actual physical feeling of nausea that both might induce. 

Hearty August

The Utah State Charter School Board, after a lengthy battle, has decided to close Alianza Academy. Parents now have to scramble to try and enroll their kids elsewhere. Parents and staff all got the news at the same time--the email was sent out at 11 pm Wednesday night. Most of us found out on Thursday morning. As of Monday, August 22nd, I will be unemployed.

Thursday was both the second day of school, and the second to last day of school.

I witnessed every variation of every stage of grief. One teacher spent the day blasting music and handing out chocolate milk. Another teacher spent the morning sobbing. I've seen tears shed by parents, teachers, and students alike. I've allowed a mother of three young children to hold my hand and pray for me and for everyone at the school. I had one parent take all their frustration and anger out on me over the phone.

One of the hardest things is trying to explain to the kids WHY we're closing. How do you explain to a 9-year-old the complexities of educational organization? How do you explain enrollment requirements and per capita spending and politics and appeal processes? You can't. You just have to say, "The state of Utah decided to close our school."

It's strange...I felt so scattered on Thursday. Normally, I'm so clear-headed at work, but all day I found myself thinking, "Wait...what was I going to do?" I would open a drawer and couldn't remember what I was looking for. Even writing this felt scattered. I held back tears all day, came home for a good cry and found I didn't have it in me. I took a three-hour nap instead.

I feel like someone's taken a book away from me and closed it, long before I was finished reading.

It's bizarre to try to balance the logistics and emotions of all of this. I need to call Lifetouch and cancel our school pictures appointment. I need to hug this student who is sobbing in the hallway. I need to finish drafting this list of recommended charter schools. I need to counsel this parent on what comes next for their kids. And what do I do with all of these files? Do I start taking things down from the walls? What will happen to all the paper and staplers and colored pencils?

I've never had a close family member pass away. Not someone I've known deeply. So I have no idea if this is an apt comparison. But that's what the closing of Alianza feels like. Like the death of a loved one. And in many ways it is.

Alianza was something special. I knew it the first moment I stepped foot inside. Over half of our students came from low-income families. Many of them have learning disabilities. Many of them are minorities. Many of them struggle with behavior and academics. For so many students, Alianza was a last attempt at schooling. I fear that these students will fall through the cracks in other schools...they've got to just hold on to the confidence we've tried to give them.

They learned at their own pace. They did Shakespeare. They did music. They went on field trips to ballet performances and hands-on science museums. They did meditation. They engineered problem-solving inventions. They made films and took photos. They organized activities and made them happen. They created and choreographed modern dance numbers. And the oldest among them was only 14.

I have witnessed students go from volatile and hostile to soft-hearted and quick to smile. I have watched kids who hated reading and struggled through every word grow into avid readers, eager to find out what happens next, and working out definitions on their own. Students that would be eaten alive at any other middle school found that they could make friends easily at Alianza.

Alianza did so much for so many, but I think its strongest legacy is one of belonging. That's what Alianza gave students and teachers and staff and families. That's what Alianza gave me. Alianza Academy gave those who were part of it a sense of belonging. It was this family. Last school year, our campus had about 12 staff members and a little over 100 students. Every teacher knew every student's name and disposition. It's small for a school...small enough to feel like a family. Like any family, we had hard days and good days. We cried and laughed and got frustrated and were inspired by each other. We learned to read each other like family members do--when so-and-so needed space, and when so-and-so needed a candy bar.

I think that's why this is so hard. It's watching this family get broken up. This family that brought out the best in every one of its members, and that gave each of its members a place to belong.

So maybe that's the legacy that each of these family members can carry into the rest of the world. They can reach out and help others find belonging. On Thursday, one sweet parent said to me, "I'm thinking of a garden. Right now, all you can see is the dirt, but with time, it will be full of fruits and vegetables and flowers. Remember that this change can lead you to better things."

That's what I keep trying to hold on to. The reminder that sometimes a big shift like this can open your life up to something else amazing. That, in the words of Aunt Eller, the sweet and tender in life come as you're hearty through the tough times.

So Alianza, thank you for everything. Thank you for helping me grow into a better, more mindful, more patient, and more caring person. Thank you for introducing me to every student, every teacher, every parent. You are all extraordinary star stuff.

all photos via Deseret News

"You got to be hearty." --Aunt Eller

It's been an interesting week.

I actually wrote the first draft of this blog entry on the back of Thursday's sides, while waiting in between takes on the set of "Stepsister." The battery on my phone was dying, so that was out, and they were shooting 15 feet away from the talent holding area, so chatting was a no-go.

That day was my second day on set--the first was Monday. And lemme tell ya, that one day helped me understand why actors can get a reputation for being prima donnas. I didn't have a trailer, but I did have a private room (with a massage chair?!) with my name on the door. I ordered breakfast from catering and someone wearing an earpiece brought it to me in the makeup trailer. People kept asking me if I needed anything. Between takes, another person wearing an earpiece would hand me a water bottle with a straw...they would wipe the condensation off the bottle beforehand. And I was just this tiny part in this low-budget film. And I get that really, everything they do, they do for the movie, and not for me. But it felt bizarre.

I tried to be really polite and easy-going on set, in part because that's what good human beings do, and in part to remind myself to not take any of it for granted...that I wasn't entitled to any of it. Between filming on that set and doing a show at the Hale (where there are designated people to put on and take off my wig and a kitchen full of snacks), I have felt unreasonably spoiled.

Which, now that I think about it, has been a huge blessing. Because the last week or so felt kind of insane. I got new headshots. We had tech week. I got sick. I was filming for two days. I was working at Alianza, which is in the midst of preparing an appeal if we get put on the chopping block by the state of Utah, which we are in line to do. I had a video audition. "Oklahoma" opened on Wednesday, and Alianza starts classes a week later.

I realized the other day that I cried every single day the past week. Just from the emotional strain of it all. But in the words of Aunt Eller, "Ya cain't deserve the sweet n' tender in life less'n you're tough."

And my life IS filled with the sweet and tender. I GET TO DO WHAT I LOVE. Half of the things causing me stress last week were things that I have been hoping to do for my entire life. And among all the stress and strain, there have been some beautiful moments, too.

Friends holding me on a couch in the greenroom at the Hale, while I tried not to cry, feeling their arms around me as I confessed the things that were hurting me. Laughing with joy backstage and in the audience while fellow actors make astounding discoveries. An incomparable director hugging me and giving me compliments on my work that I could hardly believe were meant for me. Making new friends, and strengthening friendships with old ones. Gathering with co-workers at Alianza, even while we are settling down into the trenches to save our school.

Oh, and this came in the mail:

I'm eligible to join the Screen Actors Guild. (The union for screen actors.) I'm not going to join quite yet, because A) I ain't got the $3000 initiation fees and B) Utah is a "right to work" state, which means non-SAG actors can still get lots and lots of work, even on SAG projects. But it's still this amazing milestone, and I'm so excited to have reached it.

And "Oklahoma" is open! We made it! And we don't suck! And I finished this little project that I've been working on the entire rehearsal process--a little "making of video."



I was more nervous on opening night of "Oklahoma" than I have been for a very very long time. But it's a beautiful show, and everyone in it is wonderful, and I'm so glad to be a part of it.

If this blog is quiet for a while, it's because I'm trying to help open a charter school for a new school year/doing a show/auditioning for stuff. But I've got some sweet and tender in life to go along with the tough parts.